Precious
by SableUnstable
Summary: "I love you, Moony." "Then why do you hurt me like this, Padfoot?" A story about taking something for granted and not realizing you have until it's gone, trying to learn from your mistakes, and trying to start anew. Trust needs to be earned. Can love really conquer all? WolfStar, post-war AU, SLASH. Rated M for language, adult content and themes dealing with mental health.
1. Ending

**Precious**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Trust me; I would know if I did.

**Chapter One – Ending **

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><p>"I love you, Moony."<p>

Remus stared at his best mate and boyfriend, arms wrapped around his middle as if holding himself together. Sirius looked like he'd been run over by a herd of Centaurs as he stood in front of him, hands held out on a pleading gesture. His usually silky, black hair was a mess, sticking up in odd places and carrying enough grease, it could have rivalled Snapes. His face was a pallid, whitish colour, his scruffy, unkempt beard highlighting the paleness of his skin. He had bags under his eyes that were big enough to hide yourself in, his hastily thrown on clothes were ripped and muddy, and he smelt like a Mountain Troll who hadn't seen soap and water in years.

But it was his eyes that confirmed what he had been up to the night before. The usually heated, beautiful grey was red and bloodshot, squinting in defence of the light streaming through the window behind Remus. He looked like he was in pain, which he probably was.

Even Sirius Black couldn't drink as much as he had last night and get away without a hangover.

"Do you?" Remus murmured faintly, heart screaming in his chest. He was finding it hard to breathe. The pain was huge and all-consuming and he hated Sirius for making him feel this way.

Again.

"Yes! More than you can know!"

"Then why do you hurt me like this, Padfoot?"

Silence was his only answer. Sirius stared at him desperately, throat working as he tried to speak, but no words came out. Remus sighed, hugging himself tighter.

"Was she worth it?" he whispered, turning away from the man he loved. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Sirius take a step towards him, the Black wizard stopping when the werewolf threw up his hand.

"She didn't mean anything to me, Remus. Please, don't do this."

"No, they never do, do they? But you still do it. You still go out, get drunk and then fuck some random person. And I still wait here like the fool I am, until you come stumbling in the door at dawn, smelling of someone else."

He turned back just in time to see Sirius wince and take another step towards him, eyes begging. "Moony, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It won't happen again, I swear to Merlin. Just… just please don't leave me. I can't handle it if you leave me."

"Then you should have thought of that before bringing your latest fuck home to use in _our_ bed!" Remus snarled, hurt quickly morphing in blazing anger. Sirius winced again and let out something that almost sounded like a sob.

"Remus… Remus, I love you so much… please…"

"Don't _touch_ me!" the werewolf spat as Sirius reached for his hand. The gesture was quickly drawn back and Remus swallowed, pushing down the wave of guilt at his boyfriend's wounded expression. Mustering his courage, he glared at the man who was continuously breaking his heart.

"You don't get to touch me after this, Sirius. Not after this. I've put up with a lot from you since the end of the war, telling myself that Azkaban and the fighting had taken its toll and you just needed to heal. I even kept up with those stupid, naïve rationalizations after the first time I smelt another person on your skin, and even after that when you did it time and time again. I listened to your pleading when I called you on it and I always gullibly believed you when you said it was the last time. But not this time. This… this just is too much."

Involuntary, his eyes flicked to the bed and he flashed back to seeing the naked girl shriek and scamper out of it when he'd come in that morning. The scent of sex wafted off the twisted sheets and it was all Remus could do not to throw up. He swallowed convulsively and tore his gaze away, stomach churning horribly. His anger built again as he stared accusingly at the man who was his everything. His world.

Why wasn't that sentiment returned?

Why wasn't he _enough?_

"Our bed, Sirius? Our _bed?_ I go see Harry for the evening, end up staying and then come home to find you and some slapper in _our fucking_ _bed?"_

"Moony…"

"_No._ No more. I can't take any more. You've gone too far."

He watched horror spread across Sirius face as the wizard finally realized that Remus was deadly serious. That he really _had_ gone too far. He lunged forward desperately, but Remus shot backwards and moved towards the door. He held up his hand again, ardour cooling to devastation as his heart pounded viciously.

"_Don't._ Just… don't. I'll be at Dora's. Please send my stuff over as soon as you can."

He blinked and gasped softly when Sirius was suddenly right in front of him, the movement so quick, he almost didn't see it.

"_Not there._ Please, Remus, _anywhere _but there!"

"You don't get a say in this anymore, Padfoot," Remus murmured hoarsely as he stared into those turbulent, painfully vulnerable eyes.

He swallowed again and looked away as the words seemed to hit his boyfriend – _ex-boyfriend_ – like a ton of bricks. Sirius flinched back as though he'd been slapped, reeling slightly, and then the shutters forcibly came down, leaving his face a calm, utterly blank mask. He stepped back and Remus had to stop himself from reaching out to jerk him back.

_No. You need to be strong. Do not give in._

"Alright. Let me know when you get there and I'll send it over."

Remus closed his eyes, hands trembling slightly as his blood chilled. Merlin. Who knew doing the right thing could hurt so much? He took a deep breath, shuddering on the exhale, and briefly met his best mate's cool, composed gaze, before grimacing and looking down. He couldn't handle seeing the aloofness in Sirius's usually loving expression.

"I-I'll do that," he whispered, turning towards the door again.

"Moony?"

"What?" he muttered, stopping but not turning around. Please, couldn't he just let him go?

"We can still be friends, right? I can't lose you altogether."

Remus's already broken heart shattered completely at that question.

"I-I don't know, Padfoot," he whispered roughly, hand tightening on the doorframe. "Maybe, ah, maybe just give me some time?"

There was a beat of tense, swelling silence. "Right. Time."

Remus took another deep breath and then straightened his shoulders. He needed to get out of there. He needed to get out of there _now._

Before he did something he'd regret.

"Goodbye, Sirius," he said very softly.

An indifferent grunt was all he got in response.

Remus bit back a muffled sob and squeezed his eyes shut tight, hands fisting. Then, with teeth clenched and painful purpose in his heart, he opened them again and put one foot in front of the other, walking out of the house and away from his only love, lover and best friend.

He stopped briefly at the sudden, ear-splitting roar and sound of shattering glass, before letting out a low, angry moan and forcing himself to continue.


	2. Hiding

**Precious**

Disclaimer: I own the plot. The way Sirius acts in with story is all on me. Stupid git.

**Chapter Two – Hiding**

_He stopped briefly at the sudden, ear-splitting roar and sound of shattering glass, before letting out a low, angry moan and forcing himself to continue._

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><p>Remus didn't go to Dora's straight away. Instead, he found himself in a dingy little bar with no clue how he got there. The fact that it was ten in the morning and the place smelt like unwashed body and faeces did nothing to stop him from pulling up a stool and waving at the bartender, his movements jerky and harsh. He may not have known how he'd gotten there, as presently his mind was numb, but unfortunately his heart was a complete contrast, a pulsing, shrieking mass of sharp-edged pain. He knew of only one way to make that go away, even if it was only temporary.<p>

He would take what he could get.

The squat little man behind the bar plunked a dirty glass down in front of him, but all Remus focused on was the piss-yellow liquid inside it. He didn't generally take to firewhiskey, especially the cheap stuff. Hell, he didn't generally take to drinking at all, as it didn't mix with the wolf very well, but at the moment, he couldn't have cared less. He picked up the glass and threw the alcohol back; tapping the bar with shaking fingers to indicate that he wanted more.

He'd drink an ocean's worth of gut-rot if he helped him forget.

Remus threw back his second glass and two hours later saw him weaving on his stool, his heart finally as numb as his mind. At least that's what he was telling himself. His body felt floaty, like gravity no longer had any effect on him, and behind the emotionless, alcohol-soaked fog in his brain, he knew he should be going somewhere safe to sleep off his drunk. Remus was a lot more reckless when he was under the influence, the smarts he was well known for very quickly taking their leave. Surprisingly, whenever the werewolf decided – or, more often, _not_ decided – to drink too much, Sirius had always stayed more or less sober and looked after his friend.

Or at least he had before he'd decided to drink himself into a stupor every second night and fuck everything on two legs.

The numb caved a little at that thought, and the heart-stopping, screaming agony tried to push its way through again. Remus quickly waved for another drink, the bartender grunting and scratching his armpit thoughtfully.

"Sorry, mate, gotta cut you off. Don' wanna lose me licence."

"Anootherrr," Remus slurred, eyes narrowing. He wanted another drink, for fuck's sake!

He _needed_ another drink. _Now._

The bartender shook his head. "Not gonna happen, mate. Sorry."

Remus pushed forward on the stool so that it swayed violently beneath him, fixing his eyes on the dirty man who should be serving him. His lip curled and the wolf that got a lot more active when he drunk swam into his gaze, turning it a deep amber.

"Give. Me. Another. _Drink."_

The man instinctively took a large step back at the low, menacing order, fear splashed across his face. His hand shook as he reached for the bottle.

"Shit, mate, alrigh', just give me-"

"It's okay, sir, I've got this."

Remus turned at the new voice, almost falling off his perch, and blinked stupidly at the man in front of him. It was a sign of exactly how much he'd drunk, that for two seconds, he thought that the past had come back to haunt him.

But, no, it hadn't. His blurry gaze could just make out the scar hidden behind the wayward fringe.

"Harrrrry," he muttered, slurring once again. The-Boy-Who-Lived smiled at him gently and took him by the shoulders.

"Come on, Remus, time to go."

"Wha' are you… doin' herrree?" Remus mumbled, obediently following the Auror. Harry flicked a few coins down on the bar and led the drunken werewolf into the bright daylight.

"Stopping Sirius from tearing the town apart looking for you. You've had us worried, Professor."

"No' a Professsssor… anymore," he muttered, weaving as his head spun. Why was light so light? So bright? Brightlight? Lightbright? He giggled and then groaned, clutching at his stomach as it spun in time with his head.

"Right, definitely time to go. Can you hang on tight, Remus? Don't let go of my arm, alright?"

"No'… home," Remus mumbled, craning his head up to see Harry frown.

"But Sirius…"

"Nonononononononono-"

"Okay, okay, my place then?"

"Ginny…"

"Won't care. You need some place to sleep this off, Remus. Tonks's is out until you sober up. I don't think you want Teddy to see you like this, do you?"

The rational part of Remus's brain, tiny though it may be at the moment, starting shouting at Teddy's name. His eight-year-old son seeing the father he idolized, a sodden, gibbering, stinking mess was the last thing he wanted. He swallowed thickly and moved his head up and down at the younger man, in something that looked a little like a nod. Harry smiled back at him grimly.

"Right then. Hold on tight."

He made sure Remus's hand was fixed firmly on his arm and then turned on the spot, Disapparating with a sharp _crack._ They appeared again in Harry's living room and Remus immediately fell to the floor groaning, stomach rushing up to meet his throat. He gulped and gagged, trying desperately to keep the contents of his stomach inside where they belonged.

"Harry? Did you find him… oh dear. Is he drunk?"

Remus curled up into a ball and sighed as his stomach finally decided it wouldn't launch itself across the room. He pressed his forehead against the carpet, wishing it was cool against the horrible heat of his skin. This was another reason why he didn't drink often. He'd never been able to handle the unavoidable sickness that accompanied it.

"Unfortunately, yes. Can you floo Sirius and Tonks and let them know I found him?"

"Alright," Remus heard Ginny answer. "Sirius first I think." She crouched down beside the werewolf and brushed his hair back. If Remus had been able to think past the roiling sickness in his gut, he would have been slightly embarrassed at being treated this way by a former student.

"You frightened the hell out of Padfoot, disappearing like that," she murmured softly, quickly conjuring a damp cloth to press against the back of his neck. He let out a grateful groan. "You said you were going to Tonks's. Why didn't you?"

"No' his business," Remus muttered, tongue loosened by drink.

"Since when?" Ginny asked. The werewolf could hear the frown in her voice. "It certainly seemed like his business when he flooed in here an hour ago, terrified out of his mind that he couldn't find you."

Remus ignored her and closed his eyes, hoping she'd take the hint. He loved the girl, he really did, but she was far too much like her mother at times. After a moment, she sighed and stood back up again.

"Better get him into bed. Why'd you bring him here, anyway?"

"He refused to go home," Harry answered quietly.

"No' my home," Remus groaned, horrible memories breaking through. His head began to pound and he groaned again, curling up tighter.

"Not his… what did Sirius _do?_"

"I don't know, but I hate to think. I've never seen him like this, Ginny. Remus is always in control, and-"

A loud _crack_ rent the air and Remus was suddenly bombarded by an achingly familiar scent. He moaned and tried to inch away as the floor beside him was occupied once more. He flinched when gentle fingers carded through his hair.

"Sirius, I told you I would let you know!"

The Animagus ignored his godson. "Moony. Oh, thank Merlin! Are you okay? Why are you on the floor? What happened… are you _drunk?_"

Immense, terrible pain speared straight through Remus and his head whipped around, eyes dilating and once again turning dangerously amber. He bared his teeth and growled at his ex-boyfriend, the sound low and vicious.

"_Get away from me."_

Sirius shot backwards so fast, it almost didn't seem like a movement at all. Both Harry and Ginny gasped as the two men stared at each other, Sirius's eyes wide and filled with horror. After a long moment, he shakily got to his feet. He took a slow, tentative step forward, hands reaching out in a beseeching gesture.

"Remus, please."

The werewolf growled again, eyes flaring gold. Sirius stopped dead and swallowed painfully.

"Does the wolf hate me as well?"

Remus didn't answer the beaten little whisper, the dismissing turn of his head making Sirius's shoulders fall, his expression devastated. He reached up and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand.

"Alright. I'll just… I'll go."

Remus closed his eyes and willed his brain to take that leap into the last final consequence he always experienced when he drank. His stomach and mind reeled and blackness began to grow at the corners of his vision. With a relieved sigh, he embraced that nothingness wholeheartedly.

"I love you, Moony."

His last thought before he passed out was that he knew Sirius loved him. He always had. That was why it hurt so much.

Because without trust, that wonderful, horrible, gut-wrenching glow was not anywhere near enough.


	3. Thinking

**Precious**

Disclaimer: Nup.

**Chapter Three – Thinking**

_Because without trust, that wonderful, horrible, gut-wrenching glow was not anywhere near enough._

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><p>Remus woke abruptly, his brain throwing him head first into consciousness. Eyes springing open as his body jerked upright, he blinked a couple of times and then groaned loudly, hands reaching up to clutch at his head. His stomach, deciding that it hadn't tortured him enough the day before, swam greasily, his temple compressing tightly in time with it and then exploding with pain. He gasped, his belly took a running jump into his throat, and Remus bolted from the bed.<p>

Harry found him ten minutes later with his head buried in the toilet bowl, retching violently.

"You're awake," the Auror said mildly when the older man finally flushed the toilet and pulled himself back to sit on the floor.

"You don't say," Remus muttered, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"You were out for eighteen hours."

The tone finally registered with the werewolf and he looked up to find Harry watching him closely. He could all but taste the worry his former student was projecting. He sighed and slowly got to his feet.

"I'm fine, Harry."

"No," the other wizard disagreed after a moment, stepping back to give his mentor room. "You're not. Far from it, I'd wager, if you go on a bender like that first thing in the morning and then pass out for the entire day and night."

"It's nothing. Really."

"You were unconscious for _eighteen hours_, Remus."

The werewolf turned around and met the concerned green gaze of his dead best mate's son. He grimaced, sighed again and rubbed his face with his hands.

"Don't worry about that. No, really," he insisted when Harry frowned at him. "The wolf doesn't like it when I drink. It, ah, affects him rather badly and once we're down, it takes him around about that long to recover. It's a normal thing and it happens every time I drink too much. Now, do you mind if we head downstairs? I'd murder a cuppa."

"Sure," Harry said, still watching him and looking a little relieved. He turned and led the way, the two of them walking silently through the still house.

"What time is it?" Remus asked as he took a seat at the kitchen table, Harry grabbing the jug and filling it with water. He and Ginny lived in a mostly muggle household, as both of their everyday lives were completely enveloped in the wizarding world. Harry had told Remus and Sirius when they'd bought the place that they both liked to come home and live something a little different. Something that was apart from their busy work lives.

Both the older wizards had been surprised by this. Considering how much Harry loved the Burrow, they'd thought he'd want to copy it. James's son had surprised them, something he'd made a habit of doing in the two years since the end of the war.

His heart ached hollowly and Remus scowled, pushing thoughts of a certain self-destructive wizard away.

"Just after six," the Auror answered, making Remus blink in surprise.

"Why are you up so early?"

"Dunno. Just couldn't sleep," Harry said with a shrug, avoiding Remus's gaze as he a steaming cup of tea in front of him. Remus frowned at the lie.

"I'm fine, Harry," he repeated quietly. The other man shook his head and sat down.

"Bollocks. But if you don't want to talk about it at the moment, I can wait."

Remus smiled gently. "Thank you."

Harry nodded and then they both looked over at a tap on the window. A very familiar looking owl was sitting on the windowsill, a letter tied to its leg. Remus quickly looked away, finding his cup extraordinarily interesting as Harry looked at him, hesitated and then got up to let it. Two minutes later, he sat back down again.

"It's addressed to me," he said quietly. Remus continued to study his rapidly cooling tea as he unfolded it. The scent that he both loved and hated drifted off the parchment and Remus had to fight the urge to snatch it out of the other wizard's hand.

"Remus."

The werewolf sighed and looked up. Harry was holding it out to him. Remus stared at it for a long moment, mouth twisted in indecision.

"It won't bite, Moony."

_Won't it?_ Remus thought sourly, but reached for it anyway. Both he and Harry pretended not to notice the way his fingers trembled as he took the letter from The Chosen One's hand. He sucked in a bracing breath and turned the single piece of parchment towards him.

_Is he all right?_

That was all it said. Remus swallowed and carefully but the parchment down, the trembles turning into full-blown shakes.

"Remus?"

"I'm fine," he said for the third time, voice hoarse. He stared blindly at the table as Harry picked the letter back up. "I'm fine."

"What do you want me to say back?"

Remus's hands fisted and he took another breath before looking up, eyes hard. "Tell him whatever you like. I don't care anymore."

"Yes, you do," Harry contradicted firmly. He waved the letter, drawing Remus's gaze. "And so does he. Whatever he's done, Remus, he still loves and cares about you. He was going insane with worry when we couldn't find you yesterday."

"I told him I would let him know when I got to Dora's," Remus muttered, his head beginning to pound again. The scent of Padfoot was intensifying as Harry waved the letter, and the spicy, tangy musk was slowly driving him up the wall. Come to think of it, that addictive scent permeated the entire house in some way or another, which was to be expected. Sirius was Harry's godfather and he took that job very seriously.

As the predictable joke ran through his head, Remus realized that he couldn't stay much longer. Sirius was too ingrained in the household. He needed to get away from him as much as he could.

Until he came up with another alternative, it looked like Dora's was the best option.

He finished his now-cold tea and stood up. "Tell Ginny I said thanks for the bed and that I'm sorry for all the trouble."

"Where are you going?" Harry asked with a frown, rising from his seat as well.

"Dora's."

"This early? Come on, Remus, at least stay for breakfast."

His stomach immediately protested at the thought of food and Remus shook his head. "No, that's okay. I'll leave you to it."

"But-"

"I can't stay here, Harry, alright? I just… I can't."

Harry's frown deepened at the abrupt denial and he sighed, comprehension slowly dawning. His eyes narrowed and he pointed a finger at the werewolf.

"If you think for one moment that Ginny and I will let you get away with not being around us because Sirius is a lot of the time, you've got another thing coming. You're important to us… to _me_, just as much as he is."

"He's your godfather."

"And you're the person who got me through third year. You taught me how to keep the monsters at bay."

Remus smiled, warmth making his fractured heart feel whole for just a moment. "The monsters?"

"Well, that's what they are, really. So, don't even think about walking away. No matter what happens between you and Padfoot, whether you sort this out or not, you'll always be welcome here. You were one of my father's best mates and you'll always have a place at my table."

"Well said, Harry," a voice spoke from the bottom of the stairs and both men turned to see Ginny walking towards them. She stopped beside her boyfriend and leaned up to kiss him on the cheek before turning to Remus. She surveyed him for a moment and then grinned cheerfully.

"You look like shite."

Even though the werewolf's laugh came out sounding foreign and stilted, it was still a laugh, and both Harry and Ginny smiled at the sound. The redhead stepped forward and once again leaned up, this time kissing Remus on the cheek.

"Don't you dare be a stranger, Remus Lupin. But if you really do need to get away as much as you say you do, Minerva's offer may come in handy."

Remus blinked and then pursed his lips in thought. The Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry's offer had been the reason Remus had gone to see Harry the night Sirius had defiled their home. Remus didn't have a steady, well-paying job, and the Defence against the Dark Arts position at the school once again needed to be filled. The curse had continued on after the war, though fortunately none the last two teachers had left because of nefarious means. Remus had gotten a letter from Minerva the morning before Sirius's horrid bedsport, asking if he wanted to take up the mantle again.

He'd been immediately interested and he'd very much wanted to discuss it with his partner. Unfortunately, Sirius had been MIA that entire day, so, finding Harry a lot like his mother and needing an ear to list the pros and cons with, he'd gone to see the younger wizard. They'd spoken far into the night, which had been the reason why Remus had ended up staying.

He hadn't expected to come home and find a trail of clothing leading to the bedroom, and then an expanse of naked, female skin sprawled over his bed, a more familiar tan expanse covering it.

He shuddered and closed his eyes, trying to shove away that image. He couldn't think of that at the moment. Hell, he couldn't think of that altogether.

"You have a point," he said quietly, rubbing his eyes. He blinked them open at a trill from the window, looking over to see the owl still sitting there, waiting for a reply. It reminded him that he really needed to go.

"I'll think about it and let you know what I decide," he said. Harry frowned at him again.

"You're still going?"

Remus nodded. "If he doesn't get an answer soon, he'll come over, no matter what I say or want, and I can't see him yet. Hell, he'll probably come over anyway. But I'll be back, though, I promise."

"Soon," Ginny ordered, eyes narrowing. Remus sent her a small, tired smile.

"Soon," he agreed.

"Alright. I better answer Sirius. Let us know, yeah?" Harry said, turning back to the table to write a reply. Remus nodded.

"I'm sorry for worrying everyone yesterday," he said.

"It was more Padfoot's reaction that freaked everyone out," Ginny said. "Oh, and the drunken werewolf, of course."

Remus grimaced. "That's not going to happen again anytime soon," he muttered. At least he hoped it wouldn't. Then again, Sirius was involved.

That wizard was capable of turning the world upside down without even trying.

~0~

Remus flooed into Dora's living room, not wanting to take the chance of Apparating. Though most of the time he didn't suffer much past being sick when he first woke up after drinking, he didn't want to put that to the test. He stepped out of the fire and sighed, body lethargic with exhaustion. Quickly settling down on the sofa, he leaned back and closed his eyes.

It was the sound of padding feet and the feeling of someone curling up into his side that pulled him from his dazed, half-asleep stupor. That and the scent of chocolate, wax and honey. He smiled.

_Teddy._

He opened his eyes and looked down to meet a gaze that was very much like his own. Bright, sea green eyes blinked up at him sleepily, the small body clad in festive, fire engine red pyjamas. Remus sighed again and pulled the body closer, leaning down to kiss the top of his head.

"Morning," he murmured softly. "What are you doing up?"

"You're here," his son mumbled, the simple answer making Remus smile again as Teddy wrapped his arms around his father's middle. "Are you here to stay?"

"For a bit," Remus answered, patting his leg when Teddy's shoulders drooped. "Your mum still in bed?"

"Ah huh. Want me to go wake her?"

"No, don't do that. Let her sleep."

"Okay," Teddy said, burrowing closer. Remus hugged him tightly and they sat in the quiet, enjoying each other's company. After a while, Teddy's light snores seeped into the air and this time, Remus grinned.

It was no secret that the one thing Teddy wanted more than anything was for Remus to live with him all the time. Unfortunately, that was one wish the werewolf couldn't grant. He wasn't willing to take Teddy away from Dora and in recent years, Dora had become one of Sirius's least favourite people.

That was an understatement. Sirius hated his cousin. He was very, very good at holding a grudge, and in his opinion, Dora had done something that was very grudge worthy.

When people heard about Teddy and how the eight-year-old lived with his mother while his father lived with his boyfriend on the other side of town, most assumed Remus had switched teams for a while and had had an affair with the witch. That was about as far from the truth as you could get.

Yes, Remus had slept with Dora, Teddy ending up being the result of that. However, he'd only done it because he'd thought the Metamorphmagus was the man he loved.

Dora had been eighteen when she'd formed a crush on the much older werewolf. Remus had known the girl for a few years, having met her before Sirius had been shipped off to Azkaban. He'd stayed in contact with Andromeda and Ted Tonks when his lover had been jailed, finding comfort in the familiar. He'd been well aware of Dora's crush, but had never commented on it, hoping that with time it would fade.

It hadn't. Instead it had seemed to grow, cumulating in the young witch seeking him out, plying him with liquor and then changing her appearance so that her top half looked identical to Sirius Black. She'd chosen a very good day to do it as well, as Remus had just lost his job and had been looking forward to drowning his sorrows. He hadn't realized that the brew had been a mixture of firewhiskey and muggle whiskey, making it twice as strong. Dora had hexed it to hide that.

In the end, she'd regretted her little scheme entirely. The wolf was an irrational creature and at the time, the part of him that came out when he was drunk had been very angry with Sirius for what he saw as abandonment. Add in the befuddled confusion brought on by alcohol and you did not have a calm, clear-thinking werewolf.

Remus had taken her brutally, far too far gone to notice that a certain part of his old lover's anatomy was missing, or that the scent was different. All he'd seen was those stormy, lust-filled grey eyes and that hard, lithe torso. He'd done away with all foreplay and it had basically been a case of find hole, insert and rut.

The guilt afterwards had nearly driven him insane. It had been Dora's first time and he'd hurt her quite severely. He'd all but raped her, and no matter how often she'd told him she'd wanted it and him, nothing she said made him feel any better. Then there had been the anger he felt at being tricked.

Because of one young girl's selfish desires, he'd ended up betraying the man that, no matter how hard he tried not to be, he was still very much in love with. And he'd hurt her in the process to boot.

It had taken a very, _very_ long time for him to forgive Dora for that, not to mention forgiving himself. Teddy had eventually helped a lot, as in the end; Remus couldn't hate the mother of his child. She'd given him the greatest gift, even if the method had been one of the worst nights of his life.

He still hadn't totally forgiven himself. He didn't think he ever would.

Sirius, on the other hand, had actively despised Dora from the moment he'd found out. Teddy had been a year old when Sirius had escaped from Azkaban and at first the Animagus had thought as most people did, though nothing was said about it until Harry's fifth year. They'd been alone for once, everything had come to a head and the two men had ended up screaming at each other.

"_You fucked my cousin!"_

"_I thought she was you!"_

That conversation had ended in a furious shagging session and they were together from then on. Sirius had then decided to focus his rage on the person who had pulled the stunt in the first place. Remus had only just stopped him from attacking Dora the next time they saw her. He hadn't warmed up to her in the years since, though he had tried his best not to let that show when Teddy was around.

Remus sighed once again as he pulled his thoughts back to the present. His son was curled into him, warm against his side, and the werewolf looked down in time to watch the red he'd been sporting drip from his hair until it was back at his natural brown. He smiled. Teddy had never been able to keep up a change while he slept, so he'd taught himself to automatically go back to the state he'd been in before he went to bed as soon as he woke up. Seems like last night he'd decided to be a redhead.

He cuddled him closer and closed his eyes. If he accepted Minerva's offer, he'd get to see Teddy even less. But if he didn't, he'd run the risk of seeing Sirius whenever he turned a corner.

He groaned silently and rubbed his chest as his heart stuttered and bloomed with dull, echoey pain. At the moment, he wasn't entirely sure which was lesser of the two evils.


	4. Deciding

**Precious**

Disclaimer: I've changed things because I can. That obviously means I don't own the original, doesn't it?

**Chapter Four – Deciding**

_He groaned silently and rubbed his chest as his heart stuttered and bloomed with dull, echoey pain. At the moment, he wasn't entirely sure which was the lesser of the two evils._

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><p>Remus hadn't realized he'd fallen asleep until the wiggling against his side and the soft murmur of voices, one happy and bright and the other still sleep-ridden, woke him up. He blinked open his eyes and stood, stretching and craning his neck to work out the kinks. He felt exceptionally better than he had when he first arrived. As always, sleeping after he'd come back to the land of the living had succeeded in getting rid of any hangover he might have had.<p>

He walking through to the kitchen where the voices were coming from, smiling when Teddy looked up and grinned at him. His hair was purple, his eyes still that bright sea-green, something they always were when Remus was around.

"Dad! Hey, hiya, you're up!" Teddy spluttered loudly as milk dribbled down his chin, unknowingly echoing Harry from earlier that morning.

"I am. Inside voice, though, please, Teddy. It's too early to raise the roof."

"So I can use my outside voice inside later in the day?"

Remus's brows went up and inwardly he smiled in amusement as his son sat there and shot him a cheeky grin. He scooped up another spoonful of cereal and watched his father expectantly. Teddy Lupin was very good at twisting words and sentences to suit himself. He was an incredibly intelligent boy and he used that to his advantage every chance he got. Remus was extremely proud of that fact, something he'd never tell his son. Sirius did that enough for him.

Pain blossomed in his chest and Remus swallowed thickly, taking a seat as his knees shook. Fuck. What was he going to do about the close relationship Sirius and Teddy shared? Sirius may loath Dora, but he loved Teddy with everything he had and vice versa. He couldn't keep the two away from each other, it would hurt them both too much.

_Why are you worried about hurting Sirius? He hurt _you_, he deserves everything he gets._

He shook his head at his vindictive thoughts, knowing that no matter how much Padfoot had stomped on his heart, he couldn't deliberately do the same. Remus hated hurting _anyone_, the thought of hurting someone he'd been friends with since he was eleven was unimaginable.

Something clicked in the back of his mind, and it was then that he knew that eventually, he'd grant Sirius's request. He'd be friends with the Animagus again in time. He couldn't not be.

Sirius was the only thing he had left of the best part of his life. No matter what he'd done, he couldn't throw that away completely.

He shoved that realization to the back of his mind, looking up with a strained smile as a cup was placed in front of him. He couldn't deal with that yet. He may be willing to repair his friendship with Sirius eventually, but that eventually was a _very_ long way off at the moment.

He needed to heal first.

"Dad?"

Remus looked over at Teddy again, picking up his cup and savouring the strong, sweet tea. He hadn't been able to enjoy his first one of the day. "Hmm?"

"You didn't answer my question."

"And he's not going to, young man, because you already know the answer. Outside voices are for outside, not inside, at _any_ time of the day. Now, finish your breakfast and go get dressed. I'm opening today, so we can't be late."

Teddy pouted, his hair flashing green as he held his mother's gaze. Dora fixed him with a stern look and pointed at his breakfast silently, not backing down. Teddy had been testing his boundaries a lot lately, and neither of his parents were willing to let him get away with it. Eventually the boy broke the stare-down. With his pout growing, he concentrated once more on his cereal, and after a couple more spoonful's, he pushed the bowl away. "Done."

"Good. Shower and dressed now. I want you back down here in half an hour, ready to go."

Teddy grumbled and got up, heading out of the kitchen. He stopped at the doorway and turned around again. "Dad?"

"Yes, son?"

"How long is a bit?"

Remus sighed, briefly met Dora's confused gaze and then looked back at the eight-year-old. "I'm not sure, Teddy."

"Oh. Is Padfoot staying as well?"

Remus groaned inwardly, wanting nothing more than to thump his forehead against the island bar repeatedly. Sweet Merlin, just kill him now. "No, son. He's not."

Teddy opened his mouth to speak again, no doubt to ask _why_ his favourite uncle wasn't staying, when in the past, he and his father had gone everywhere and done everything together. Teddy knew Remus was in a relationship with the man, just as he knew all that that entailed. They'd never hidden it from him. When Teddy had gotten old enough to want to know why his parents weren't together like most of his friend's parents were, they'd found they couldn't.

"Didn't your mother tell you to do something, Edward?"

Teddy pulled a face at the use of his full name and sighed. He turned and trudged from the kitchen, the sound of his feet stomping through the living room and up the stairs echoing back to his parents. As soon as they heard the bathroom door close, Dora turned to Remus and folded her arms.

"Alright, what's going on? You never let him get away with a comment like that inside voice one."

Remus rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, sorry about that. It's been a long couple of days."

"I'm guessing this has something to do with Sirius floo calling yesterday and then freaking out when I said you weren't here?"

"Hmm," Remus mumbled noncommittally, not wanting to go into it quite yet. He sipped his tea and reached for a piece of toast.

"Remus."

Sighing, Remus looked up. Dora was watching him with concern swimming through her brown eyes.

"Sirius calls, expecting you to be here, which I know nothing about, and then panics when you aren't, and I get up this morning to find you and Teddy curled up on the couch. You know you're always welcome, but you've never come over so early before. What's going on?"

The werewolf grimaced and put the untouched toast down. "Alright. So, I've… ah, I've l-left Sirius."

The moment he said it, Remus had to lay his head down on the countertop as his heart jolted and began racing in his chest, his breath catching in his lungs. He choked slightly and squeezed his eyes shut, pain once again tearing through him. Holy Merlin, it _hurt._

"You… you _left_ him? For real?"

"As real as possible," Remus muttered, grasping faintly as he tried to force air into his lungs. His chest was so painfully tight, it hurt to draw oxygen.

"What happened? I mean, the two of you… Remus? Alright, enough of that. Breath, Rem."

"I'm trying," he wheezed, fingers gripping the countertop until his knuckles turned white. His heart was still racing at an uncomfortable rate and on top of that, it felt far too large, swelling up to fill and close his throat. He jerked when he felt a hand grasp his chin, lifting it up until he was once again staring into concerned brown eyes.

"Breath with me, Remus. In… that it, hold it now… and out. In again… and hold… and out again. In…"

Remus did what he was told and slowly, his lungs opened again. He breathed in air as his chest decompressed, listening to the calm quiet voice of his son's mother. After a couple minutes, Dora stepped back with a nod.

"Okay, now I know it's real – you just had a panic attack. What the hell did he do?"

With another sigh, Remus sat back and rubbed his face with his hands, still feeling a little jittery. He hadn't had one of those since his days at Hogwarts. He grimaced as his eyes went briefly to the door. Thank Merlin Teddy was still upstairs. It would terrify his son to see Remus on the verge of collapsing.

Meeting Dora's gaze again, he picked up and sipped that glass she put down beside his tea, smiling when he realized it was apple juice. Teddy's favourite.

He wondered for a moment if he should tell her. Sirius really didn't like his cousin at all and he had an inkling that if he did let Dora in on what had happened, his ex- that Sirius would see it as a betrayal.

_One betray for another. Evens the odds a bit, don't you think?_

He grimaced, shaking those thoughts away. He hadn't felt this bitter since he'd first found out what being bitten meant and his whole world had changed in an instant.

"I found him in bed with someone else," he said quietly, voice hoarse. It would be harder if she didn't know. He wasn't going to tell her that this wasn't the first time, though. There were some things that should stay just between him and Sirius.

Dora's face was the definition of gobsmacked. "You found him… what the fuck? Sirius slept with another man?"

"It was a woman actually."

"I can't believe he would do that! That _arse! _Stupid shit, what the hell does he think he's doing… a woman?"

"Yeah," Remus said, letting out a slight laugh, his eyes aching. He finished the apple juice and then picked up his tea, quickly putting it down with a grimace. Damn it, cold again. "A woman."

"But… he likes men!"

Remus sighed, suddenly feeling the thirteen years between him and the Metamorphmagus keenly. "Sirius has never been concerned about a little thing like someone's sex, Dora. He's always given and taken pleasure from whoever would let him. Didn't matter if it was male or female."

"Oh. Well, that doesn't matter anyway. I thought he loved you!"

"He does," the wizard murmured, so softly he barely heard himself say it. He may have questioned that when he'd confronted Sirius, but he'd only doubted it for a second. Padfoot loved him so much, Remus had sometimes felt suffocated. Though you never would have guessed it, Sirius Black was a very needy creature.

Considering Remus loved him back just as much, he'd never held that fact against him.

"So you left him? Good for you," Dora continued, obviously not hearing Remus's comment. The werewolf silently took note of the fact that she hadn't asked him if he was sure they couldn't work things out. Dora had a very black and white view when it came to wrong and right. It took a lot to convince her to give someone a second chance. "What are you going to do now?"

"I don't really know," Remus answered quietly. "I've had an offer but I'm not sure if I should take it. Can I stay here for a few days until I can make other arrangements?"

"Course you can, you don't even need to ask. What's the offer?"

Remus smiled, pleased to now have a base. "Minerva has offered me the DADA position at Hogwarts."

"Really?" Dora grinned as she turned and began cleaning up the breakfast dishes. "Rem, that's fantastic! You loved your year there."

"I did, but if I accept, I'll hardly ever get to see Teddy. I don't want that."

The Metamorphmagus turned around again to catch Remus's gaze, her lips pursed in thought. Consideration ran through her eyes and slowly, a smile pulled at her lips until she was grinning at him. "Not if we go with you."

The werewolf blinked stupidly. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Teddy and I. We'll come with you. This way you can see him every weekend if you want to. It's the perfect solution, Remus!"

Remus stared at the woman in front of him, utterly bemused. Go with him? Why would she want to do that? Why would she want to uproot her life just so that he could see his son whenever he wanted? She wasn't that selfless a person! Unless… his eyes narrowed and he searched her gaze, awkwardness steadily building.

"Dora, you're not… you don't…"

"I don't what?" she asked with a frown as he trailed off. Her eyes suddenly widened as comprehension dawned and Remus frowned at the laughter that bubbled up and over.

"On, come on, Remus, don't flatter yourself! That brainless little crush ended _years_ ago! It's kind of hard to be infatuated with someone when you're terrified of one half of them!"

Remus winced and dropped his gaze, the picture of a weeping, eighteen-year-old Dora curled up in a ball flashing through his mind, making guilt burn through his gut like acid. Would he ever live that down?

"Oh, shit, fuck, Rem, I didn't mean it like that! I just meant that Teddy's conception – something that wasn't your fault _at all_ – helped cure me of any school girl heart pounding. And seeing you with Sirius did the rest of it. The bond between the two of you really drove home how little a chance I _ever_ had. I had the wrong bloody plumbing for a start off!"

_Not entirely_, Remus thought, guilt still eating at him. He heard Dora sigh and she reached out to grasp his hands, squeezing them.

"Remus, you have to forgive yourself for that. It was completely my fault and everything that happened that night, I brought on myself."

Remus's head shot up. "Don't say that."

"It's true, really. I knew what you were, but I had no idea of the mechanics between a werewolf and its mate. I went in completely blind and threw myself to the wolves, literally. I was stupid and naïve and I paid the price. But I got the best thing on earth out of it, so I don't regret it one bit."

Remus's smile was small, but it was there. "Teddy."

"Got it in one, hotshot. Now, why would you think that I was besotted with you again?"

Remus swallowed, still feeling awkward. "Err, there hasn't been any, ah, _visitors_ around here for a while and you were so quick to jump on the idea of going with me…"

He winced again when Dora's eyes narrowed. "How do you know I haven't had any male company lately? No, don't answer that. Your kid has a big mouth, Remus Lupin."

"Look who his mother is," the werewolf joked with another slight smile, making her grin and shake her head.

"Anyway, the reason I was 'quick to jump' as you say, was because you're not the only one who got an offer. The twins offered me a job."

Remus frowned. "You already have job with them."

The Metamorphmagus rolled her eyes. "I'm aware of that, you prat. This is bigger. A promotion of sorts. The new shop in Hogsmeade is opening in a couple of weeks and they want someone they know and trust to run the place."

"A managing position? That's quite the step up from shop assistant. Congratulations!"

Dora grinned. "Thanks. And it's not really when you think of it. I'm already opening and closing Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes now, as well as running it when Fred and George need time off. I've already proven myself, they're just making the title official. If you're going to be at Hogwarts, I can now say yes without worrying about taking Teddy away from you."

"You were thinking about turning it down?" Remus asked. Dora nodded.

"A little. Teddy adores you and he's pretty close to Sirius as well. I couldn't do anything without taking that into account."

"Well," Remus said, taking a deep breath as the solution solidified in his mind. "You don't have to worry about that anymore because I'm going to be in the area."

"Oh, that's great!" Dora grinned, clapping her hands. "I'll tell them today. But, umm, what about Sirius? He loves Teddy."

Remus's mouth hardened and he got up to put his cup and glass in the sink, guilt returning, though for an entirely different reason this time. "Sirius made his bed, now he has to lie on it."

_It's not going to be fun telling him, though,_ he thought as the clatter of his son echoed through the house once more and Teddy ran into the kitchen, washed, dressed and ready to go. He smiled and ruffled his son's purple hair.

Telling Sirius he was moving to another country and taking Dora and Teddy with him, effectively taking away two things the Animagus loved?

Yeah, that wasn't going to be fun at all.

* * *

><p><strong>AN - The next chapter will be in Sirius's POV and we'll get to see a little insight into what he's thinking and why he's acting the way he is. Trust me, there's a reason for it. :) Let me know what you think!**


	5. Drowning

**Precious**

Disclaimer: Not at all mine. Except the plot, which you can freely hate me for.

**Chapter Five – Drowning**

_Telling Sirius he was moving to another country and taking Dora and Teddy with him, effectively taking away two things the Animagus loved? Yeah, that wasn't going to be fun at all._

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><p><strong>AN – WARNING! This chapter contains the effects of mental illness.**

* * *

><p>Chaos.<p>

Light and sound and pressure and fog. Echoing booms and irritating gnat-like buzzing. Words and voices and swelling and too much, far, far, far too much. Building and building and overwhelming and just making him want to scream and scream, to drown everything out, even though he knew it wouldn't work.

It never worked, no matter how hard he wished it would.

Sirius sat in the corner of his and Remus's bedroom-

_Not Remus's anymore, Black. And whose fault is that?_

-curled up in a ball, clutching his head as he muttered to himself. His mind was going haywire, noises from both inside it and the outside world making him want to hurl, or throw something, or cry himself to sleep. The screaming in his head infected his whole world, turning him into a horrible, useless mess.

_You've always been useless, Sirius. A useless friend, a useless son, a useless person. You abandoned your family, killed your best friend, drove away your lover. _

_Who would love you?_

He screwed his eyes shut and shuddered, yanking on hunks of hair in a vain attempt to drown out the words with pain.

The voices. Sweet Merlin, the voices. Voices everywhere, screaming at him, bringing him down, tearing him apart. And no Moony to sooth him anymore. No Remus to put him back together, bring him back from the brink and make him feel human again, push back the Black insanity that lived in his blood and flowed through his mind. That was slowly creeping its way up on him, closer and closer every day, as it had his whole life.

It had always been like this. For as long as he could remember, he'd had more than his own voice in his head. His parent's voices had been constant when he was a child, his brother's joining them once he'd been sorted into Gryffindor and had run away from home.

_Broken blood traitor, cavorting with disgusting, filthy half-breeds. Should have drowned you at birth._

_You should have died instead of James._

He drew his knees up and rocked, the chaos on his mind overtaking everything. It had gotten better once he'd met James and Peter-

_Weasel, rat, fucking friend-betraying prick!_

-and Remus, their friendship and acceptance pushing it down and making it possible to ignore for a while. None of them had been the wiser, as he'd been well practised at hiding it. Then that had stopped working and as he'd gotten older, Sirius had found another way to shut out the shrieking.

Pounding himself into someone, concentrating on them and only them, letting the pleasure and satisfaction swell, the arrogance that came with the person under him screaming his name until their voice gave out. Sirius gave himself up to it during his school years, fucking anyone he could get his hand on and just living with himself in his head, letting their wails and whimpers keep him sane and in the here and now. It had worked for a long time, a lot longer than he'd thought it would.

But then he'd gone and fallen in love.

He couldn't do it anymore after that. Not even when he and Remus hadn't been together, when he'd thought his feelings were one-sided. He hadn't slept much during that time. He hadn't wanted his friends to worry, so had somehow managed to restrict his madness to the dead of night. Or at least he'd managed to ignore it until then.

That had all changed the day Remus had turned 17 and the wolf had claimed it's Mate. After that, it had been a swarm of love and lust and begging and him being the one pounded into, and then him chasing Remus when the wizard had avoided him the morning after, filled with guilt and shame. They were together after that, the wolf hadn't given either of them a choice, but then Sirius hadn't wanted one.

Once he'd managed to tackle Remus and get the werewolf to _talk _to him, he'd found that his friend hadn't wanted one either.

"Speaking of talking, Padfoot, you know that that's the only way this is going to go away. Ask for help."

Sirius cracked open his eye to see his long-dead best friend standing in front of him, a scowl on his face. He groaned and knocked his forehead with his fist, hoping if he rattled his brain enough, it would made the hallucination fade.

It didn't.

"Moony will help you, you know he will."

"Remus hates me," he muttered, pain flaring inside him until he was choking on it. His heart sped in his chest, breath panting as he trembled and shook, sweat sliding down his neck as he curled up tighter in defence of the terrible pain.

_Remus hates me. Remus hates me. Remus hates me, Remus hates me, Remus hates me, Remus hates me, Remus ha-_

"Remus doesn't hate you, Sirius, he hates what you've done to him. He's still your friend, even if it's buried really deep at the moment."

"Fuck off, James," Sirius moaned, curling up even tighter, all but knotting himself.

"Wish I could, mate."

The delirium had sunk back down inside him after he and Moony had become an item. That had been the happiest time of his life. The rest of sixth year and seventh year had been heaven, Remus's awe-inspiring love, the shockingly heavy desire and want, and the pure joy the werewolf had made him feel, had for a while, been too much for the insanity to breed in. But then they'd left Hogwarts and the real world had intruded.

Voldemort had ruined everything. James and Lily had gotten married and had Harry and Remus and Sirius had moved in together. And slowly, ever so slowly, Happily Ever After had shattered, breaking into tiny little pieces that had scattered on the wind.

The prophesy, the suspicion, creeping around each other on egg shells, the wolf taking it out on both of them whenever Remus forgot his Bane, which had been a lot more often than usual, sleeping as far away from each other as possible, avoiding all types of touch, especially sexual…

_Dirty, stinking creature-of-darkness, mudblood lover, staining the noble blood in your veins, disgusting shirt-lifter, WRONG, TREASON, REPULSIVE CUM-SUCKER, FAGGOT, TRAITOR TO YOUR HOUSE, NOT FIT TO LIVE, SHOULD HAVE FLUSHED YOU FROM MY WOMB-_

"Don't listen to it, Sirius. None of its true, you know it isn't. Don't let her taint what you and Moony had."

"Shut UP, James!"

The night of Halloween. Hearing something that had sent his careening calm screaming over the edge. Going after the bastard, ignoring Remus when he'd pleaded with him not to, to leave it to the Aurors. Saying unforgivable things to the man he'd loved because he was pulsing with pain and only barely holding himself together. Deliberately _not seeing_ the level of pain his lover was experiencing as well, not taking in the fact that he hadn't been the only one to lose a friend – Remus had lost two.

He'd never been terribly close to Lily, even after the marriage, but Remus had. She'd been the only other friend he'd had beside the Marauders, something Sirius hadn't taken into account when they'd had that last awful fight. Screeching at each other, storming off, vowing that it was over, that he was never coming back…

How he wished with everything he had that that hadn't turned out to be true.

Azkaban.

Fuck it all, upside down and backwards.

He didn't want to think of Azkaban.

He never wanted to think of Azkaban.

A void. A black, empty void. He'd been lost, so very lost, until he'd seen that newspaper.

Getting out, only the thought of killing keeping the madness back, which had been a form of madness in itself. Searching, searching, searching, Harry forcing his way through on occasion, Moony clearing the fog a touch. The Shrieking Shack, wanting nothing more than to tear the rat apart, seeing Remus for the first time in _13 years_ but not letting that break his focus…

Harry saving Peter's life and then saving his own.

On the run for a year, learning about Teddy and Tonks and dying inside, then Grimmauld Place and shouting at Remus again. Then fucking him.

Loving him with everything inside him. Drawing him in and letting him work his magic once more, pushing it all down and back and making him human again.

Making him sane, if that was ever actually possible.

Listening to him for once when his love had told him not to go running after Harry at the Department of Mysteries. Trusting Remus to take care of it instead.

_And what was his reward? You, shagging someone else in his and your bed. Making him catch the scent of spunk on your sheets, the scent of someone else's sweat. Putting those images in his head. You're a monster, Black._

"Merlin, Padfoot, Lily would _never_ have said that! It's only your own guilt making you hear it, your own judgement making her say those words. Stop it."

"You're not real, you're not real, you're not real, you're not real, you're-"

"Maybe not, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to me."

The war trucking along and reaching its inevitable conclusion, fighting in the Final Battle and not leaving Remus's side even once. Supporting Harry and standing behind him in everything. Loving him like a son.

Following him when he and Ginny moved to Godric's Hollow, he and Remus finding their own place, saying good riddance to Grimmauld Place forever, trying not to resent Tonks for following them, finding that he loved Teddy just as much as he loved Harry. Living and loving and moving on.

Until the voices had come back.

They never went away, never gave him any peace. Moony couldn't keep them back any longer. He didn't know why, when it had worked up until now. All he knew was that Remus gave him a little bit of a reprieve, dulling them whenever they were together, until even that hadn't worked. So, he'd tried to drink them away, but all that had done was strip his inhibitions until he was thinking in his wasted state that maybe the best way to get rid of them, the _only_ way that had ever truly worked, was what he needed to do now.

He couldn't remember the face of the first person he'd taken against the wall in a dirty bathroom of some unknown club. He couldn't even remember if it had been male or female. All he'd known was that it had _worked._ Remus and his love for him and their relationship had been pushed aside, the pleasure, the satisfaction, the _power_, all of it had silenced the voices in a way that Remus and his happy family life had _never_ had.

"That's not true, Sirius. You're just using it to justify your actions. If it were true, you wouldn't have had to drink yourself senseless first, just as you've had to every other time."

"For fuck's sake, Prongs, LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Sirius?"

The Animagus sprang to his feet, his hallucination fading as his head whipped towards the bedroom fireplace. He sucked in a sharp breath when he saw Remus's head sitting in the ashes.

"Moony," he whispered, the chaos in his mind dimming as he stared at the man he loved with his entire being.

"Can I, ah, can I come through? I need to talk to you."

_Fuck, yes, come, I need you. Merlin, I need you so much._

"'Course," he murmured. Remus nodded, his head disappeared and then the fireplace flared green, spitting out the sandy-haired man. Sirius stared at him, drinking him in, wanting nothing more than to walk over and touch him. Anywhere.

Just a small brush of his hand over his arm. Push his hair back out of his eyes. Press his lips into the hollow of his throat and breathe in his scent. But he knew he couldn't do that. Remus wouldn't allow it, probably wouldn't even allow him to get an inch closer.

That knowledge destroyed him.

"Are you all right?" he asked, his voice rough and a little timid. Remus frowned, not needing the question clarified.

They'd always been able to read each other like a book.

"I'm fine. Didn't Harry answer?"

"Yeah. Yeah, he did," Sirius answered softly. Didn't mean he believed it. Not until he'd seen it with his own eyes.

Remus took a deep breath, his eyes flashing to the unmade bed and then away again, pain flaring in the green. "There's, ah, there's something I need to tell you, but can we go into the living room? I can't… not here."

Sirius swore viciously, calling himself all kinds of stupid. Did he _want_ to torture the man? Without another word, he turned and strode from the room, the voices in his head taunting him as he walked. He ignored them as best he could and concentrated on the sound of Remus following him, taking a seat on the sofa in the main room before immediately jumping up again. He paced towards the kitchen and then paced back, nervous and fidgeting.

"Do you want tea? I'll make us tea. Yes, that's what I'll do, you love tea, it'll help, it'll make everything bet-"

"Sirius."

The Animagus spun back to his ex and swallowed, hands clenching and unclenching desperately.

"Please. Sit."

Instantly, the wizard took his seat again, never taking his eyes off the man in front of him. Fuck, he looked good. He wasn't as lean and wirily as he'd been in school, or even as he'd been after Sirius had gotten out of Azkaban. He was carrying more weight, had more scars, his eyes and mouth lined with the marks of his age, his hair sprinkled liberally with grey. But that didn't make him any less sexy. If anything, it made him more.

_And I threw this away? What the fuck is wrong with me?_

Remus cleared his throat and opened his mouth to speak, but Sirius jumped in first, some instinct telling him that he didn't want to hear what the werewolf was about to say.

"You're staying with Tonks?"

The other wizard frowned and nodded. "Yes. For the moment. Sirius, I've had an off-"

"I'm sorry I haven't sent your stuff along yet. I just needed some time. I'll do it tonight, though. Do you want to choose what you want or do you want me to pick? I can if you want-"

"Sirius, stop. Let me say this. Please."

_No, don't say it, don't say it, whatever it is, I don't want to hear it. Please don't say it._

"Alright," he whispered, swallowing hard and staring down at the carpet. "Go ahead."

"Okay. Umm, I-I've had an offer. From Minerva. She wants me to be the new Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor at Hogwarts, and I've… I've decided to t-take it."

The world opened up and swallowed Sirius whole, shredding his insides until his heart was a pulsing mass of pulp in his chest. The voices screamed as he stared at the other man stupidly. "You're… you're leaving?"

_You're leaving me? For good?_

_What do you expect, Black? You're completely unlovable._

_Filthy, sodding devil spawn. Horrid piece of trash. Disgusting, torrid, despicable little slag, unworthy of any kindness, unworthy of anything at all, should have slit your throat the first time you wailed at me, should have let your father beat you to death, dirty animal, sordid, inhuman, should have-_

"-SIRIUS!"

He blinked to find Remus standing right in front of him, gripping his shoulders and shaking him. He looked up into the werewolf's wide, confused eyes and his ex gasped, shock running across his features.

"Sirius, what-"

"You better go," he said dully, pulling away and getting to his feet. Remus blinked, his eyes following the Animagus as he prowled around the room.

"Sirius, are you… what's… I don't know… are you going to be alright?"

_Like you fucking care. You're leaving._

"Just go, Remus. Please."

"Umm… shit. Dora and Teddy are coming as well."

Sirius froze as the voices roared in his head and then he let out a bitter laugh, staring into the cold fireplace. "Should've known. Didn't take you long, did it?"

There was another gasp and a then beat of shocked silence from behind him. "I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that."

"You do that," Sirius drawled, the green-eyed monster inside him tearing his throat and chest to pieces. "Better go, Moony, wouldn't want to keep the missus waiting. Can't disappoint the family, now."

"Bloody hell, who _are_ you?" Remus whispered after another moment, the tone bewildered, hurt and horribly sad. Sirius closed his eyes, willing him to go.

"Not someone you want to know. Get out. Now."

Neither moved for a moment and then Sirius caught his ex stepping up beside him out of the corner of his eye. For an achingly hopeful moment, he thought he was going to say something, touch him, let him know that he wasn't really leaving, that he still loved him. But, of course, Remus didn't do that. The werewolf grabbed a handful of floo powder instead and walked into the fireplace, hesitating before throwing it. He looked over at Sirius, who avoided his gaze.

"I'm really going to miss you, Padfoot."

With that, he threw the powder down, calling out his destination, and was gone in a flash of green flames. Sirius turned to watch him go at the last second, their eyes connecting briefly, and then he was staring blindly into an empty grate.

Pulsing, pounding, screaming, in his head. Sirius turned and headed into the kitchen, taking the whiskey off the top shelf of the pantry. He knew what he needed to do.

"You're making a mistake, Padfoot."

"What's one more mistake among many," he muttered, not looking at James as he threw the alcohol back and quickly poured another.

An hour later saw him in a dingy little bar in the middle of the afternoon, slamming into a willing body as he tried to drown out the voices, the madness, the insanity running freely through him.

Tried to stop himself thinking of how he'd royally fucked up the only chance of happiness he'd ever had.


	6. Punishing

**Precious**

Disclaimer: Give me an N! Give me an O! What does that spell? If you don't know, you're _far_ too young to be reading this story, if you can even read at all.

**Chapter Six – Punishing**

_Tried to stop himself thinking of how he'd royally fucked up the only chance of happiness he'd ever had._

* * *

><p>The first thing Remus did when he got back to Dora's, was to stick his head back in the fire and floo call Professor McGonagall. He wanted to get his acceptance of the position over and done with. He wanted to move on with his life, move on from Sirius.<p>

He wanted to get as far away from the man as he possibly could. Literally and figuratively.

He didn't think it was possible for his once friend to hurt him more than he already had. Apparently, it very much was. Sirius had always been all over the place, moods swinging and changing at a whim, even when they were back in school. In fact, it had probably been worse back then. But he'd never been nasty, not like he had been earlier. And he'd _never_ pushed Remus away like he had, effectively ending all chance of them ever moving past their broken relationship and maybe being friends again sometime in the future. Even during sixth year, when he'd been acting moody and mysterious, not dating anyone and not wanting to be around Remus all that much, he'd still smiled and spoken to him, still treated him like a friend.

It had been one of the first things they'd agreed on when their relationship had begun, that their friendship would always come first. Now, though, it seems that that vow had been thrown out the window.

Remus sighed as he chucked the handful of floo powder into the hearth. He didn't want to think about Sirius at the moment; it made his chest ache. Of course, what he was about to do made his chest ache anyway. Hopefully, that would fade with time.

_Not bloody likely._

He ignored the snarled words, the denial from the both his human half and the animal half of him, and called out the Professor's name. The world spun and then he was looking into the Headmistress's office.

It hadn't changed much since Albus had died. Though Minerva had added a couple of things and taken a few away, she hadn't done much to the room, wanting to keep the memory of Hogwarts' greatest Headmaster alive. Remus suspected that the office staying pretty much the same comforted her as well. The two professors had been very close, and if Remus hadn't been positive that Albus had played for the same team he did, he would have said that the old Headmaster and the new Headmistress's relationship had gone beyond friendship.

Then again, Sirius played for both teams, so who says that- he cut that thought off abruptly as his heart swooped and burned.

_Stop thinking about Sirius, for Merlin's sake!_

"Remus?" Minerva said as she got up from her desk and walked towards the floo. "It's good to see you. You have an answer for me?"

Remus smiled to himself. If you didn't know the Headmistress well, you wouldn't have picked up on the eagerness in her tone. The DADA position was notoriously hard to fill, and with the start of the new school year only a month away, he understood her impatience. She hadn't pushed him, though, which he was very thankful for.

"I do," he said with a nod. "May I come through?"

"Of course," the Scottish woman said, stepping back to give him room. A minute or so later, Remus stepped into the wide, circular office.

"Remus, my boy! Welcome back!"

He turned his head and smiled at the portrait of Albus Dumbledore that hung over Minerva's desk. "Thanks, Albus. It's good to be back."

"Have a seat," Minerva invited, and as he did so, she walked over to a seemingly empty table and flicked her wand. Immediately, an old-fashioned tea set appeared, the steam coming out of the silver pot indicating that the liquid inside was piping hot. Remus raised a brow. _That_ hadn't been there before.

Seeing his expression, Minerva smiled. "One cannot survive on lemon drops alone, I have found. Only a certain person was able to do that, and I am not that person. Cream and sugar?"

Remus glanced at the portrait before answering, finding it empty. Though he wouldn't have minded the old Headmaster being there for the conversation, it seems that Dumbledore had decided to give them privacy. "No, thank you, I still take it straight."

"As you should," Minerva said with an approving nod, pouring his tea and handing it out to him. "Anything else ruins the flavour."

The werewolf took the silver teacup, knowing by the weight that the material was solid and pure. A small smile pulled at his lips and Minerva threw him a questioning look as she took her own seat.

"I was just thinking that it's a good thing I'm not affected by silver like werewolves in muggle fairytales are, otherwise I wouldn't be able to enjoy this lovely set you have here."

"Ah, yes, a good thing indeed," Minerva agreed with her own slight smile, taking a sip from her cup. "Now, you mentioned you had an answer?"

"I did," Remus said as he breathed in the steam and aroma. "I'd like to accept the position if it's still available."

"It's still available," Minerva confirmed, her smile widening. "Wonderful. I'll have quarters prepared immediately and you and Sirius can move in next week, if you like."

Well, shit. Her words were like a punch in the gut, flying out of nowhere and hitting him with the force of the Knight Bus. Of course, the Headmistress didn't _know_ that Sirius and him weren't together anymore, so it wasn't her fault, but still…

For the love of all things sacred and holy, would it ever stop hurting?

"Remus?"

"Ah," he rasped, clearing his throat and snapping his attention back to his new boss. "N-no need for the double quarters, Minerva. Sirius and I… well, there _is_ no Sirius and I. Not anymore."

He couldn't help the bitterness in his tone, or the way his face twisted as he said the words. Minerva's eyes widened in surprise.

"Oh dear. Oh, I do apologize, Remus, I just assumed…"

"It's alright," the werewolf interrupted her quietly. "How could you have known? It happened very recently. The only people who _really_ know at the moment are myself, Sirius and Dora. No harm done."

The old witch watched him closely, her expression clearly saying that she didn't believe him. She didn't question him further, though, just moved straight on, for which Remus was eternally grateful. He couldn't talk about it yet.

He wasn't sure if he'd _ever_ be able to talk about it.

"Alright, well, you can move in next week, if that's okay with you."

He nodded and took a sip of his now lukewarm tea. "Very okay with me. Is my lycanthropy going to be a problem? There's still a lot of prejudice out there about it."

"It shouldn't be," Minerva answered with a sigh. "You're registered with the Ministry and you've got your transformations under control. Many people also saw you fight bravely in the Final Battle, going up against and defeating your own kind. Therefore, as long as you remember to take you Wolfsbane, there shouldn't be a problem at all. Of course, that's not to say there won't be, especially with some of the pureblood families. But you have mine and the other professor's full support, and we can easily deal with anything if it arises."

She frowned when her companion didn't answer, just sat there with his teacup hovering halfway to his mouth, eyes wide and shocked.

"Remus? Whatever's the matter?"

"What? Oh, nothing, I'm fine," the werewolf answered faintly, while inside his head he was turning the air blue. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, _shit. _How could he have possibly forgotten? He hadn't forgotten in _years, _and now, because of one drunken night, he went and forgot that one very important responsibility?

Fucking stupid _bastard._

"You don't look fine," Minerva said, once again watching him closely. Remus shook himself and sent the Headmistress a wobbly smile.

"I am, I've just, ah, remembered something. Can we finish this at another time? I need to go now."

"Of course we can, but…" she trailed off as Remus stood up abruptly, his teacup rattling as he hastily sat it on her desk, and made his way to the floo. She got up and followed him.

"Remus, you're worrying me."

The werewolf turned and smiled at his old Transfiguration teacher, trying not to show his impatience. He _really_ needed to go and make sure the place he had decided on if something like this ever happened was still available. He'd never actually thought he'd need to use it when he'd chosen it, but he still needed to have the option available. It was the responsible thing to do, after all.

He snorted at that thought. With what he'd forgotten to do, who was he to talk about responsibilities?

"I'm fine, Minerva, I really am," he said, patting her arm. "I just need to go now. I'll come back in a couple of days and we can discuss this more."

There was a brief moment of silence and then the Headmistress sighed and nodded. "As you wish. We'll be seeing you next week, anyway, if you don't manage to make it back before then."

Her tone clearly stated that he'd better make it back before then, and Remus's smile widened. Hell if _that_ didn't make him feel like he was back in school. "Yes, Professor."

The old woman snorted quietly and muttered something that sounded a lot like it contained the word 'Marauder.' Remus grinned, said his goodbyes and stepped into the hearth, his amusement fading as he spun his way back to Dora's, preparing to Apparate as soon as he got there.

He'd forgotten to take his Bane the night before. It didn't matter that he was drunk and passed out for most of the day and night, he'd still forgotten. And now, because of that one idiotic mistake, the wolf was coming out this month, so he had to go and see if the wards he and Sirius had set up years ago needed to be retouched.

If the wolf managed to get out and hurt anyone, all because he'd been wallowing in self-pity, he would hate himself until the day he died.

~0~

Two nights later saw him sitting naked on the ground, staring up at the sky, waiting for the moon to reach its peak. He was in the middle of a dense forest, miles away from any type of civilization, and surrounded by the strongest possible wards available to wizardkind. He'd given himself room to run, of course, but once he reached a certain point, they would stop him rather abruptly. It would hurt, which would just drive the wolf mad, but he could put up with that.

Hurting himself was _much_ better than hurting anyone else.

He was just beginning to feel the change approaching, that buzzing, humming, just short of painful feeling streaking along his skin, when a loud _crack_ rent the air. A very familiar, delicious spicy/tangy scent made his head snap down and a low growl escaped through his lips as he saw the company he now had, just outside the wards.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Sirius?"

His voice had already been affected by the change, coming out a lot rougher than usual. Just as it always had in the past, that first simple little sign affected Sirius as well, a shudder rolling through the other wizard at the sound, his hot grey gaze sweeping slowly over the werewolf's exposed skin. Remus's loins stirred and he growled again, the involuntary reaction pissing him off, which just affected Sirius more. His eyes glazed and he licked his lips, stepping closer to the wards, though he didn't enter.

"Sweet Merlin, Moony, you're so fucking sexy when you're like this."

"Answer me!" Remus hissed, swirling amber/green eyes tracking the wizard's movements. "What are you doing here?"

"Did you really think I'd let you go through this alone?"

The quietly spoken sentence threw the werewolf for a loop, which only succeeded in angering him more. Sirius shouldn't _be_ here. _No one_ should be here when Remus was like this!

_Mate._

No, no, he isn't, not any longer!

_Mate. Mine._

Remus snarled, surging to his feet, hands clenching around nails that had already lengthened to claws. His lips pulled back from his teeth and he growled, low and long, at the dark-haired wizard who was watching him carefully with banked lust swimming through his gaze. He had to leave! Now, before it was too late!

"_Go," _he rumbled, the word almost indistinguishable. A violent shudder racked through him, veins standing out all over his body, but his gaze stayed locked on Sirius. The other wizard groaned and swore softly, his now not-so-banked gaze locked between Remus's thighs, where his length jutted out proudly.

This always happened right before the change. As the moon hadn't yet reached its full height, it was as if the animal inside him was coming out the only way it knew how, arousing Remus to the point of pain. His Mate being around always emphasized it, and in the past, the two wizard's had enjoyed this time immensely, even if it was relatively short. He couldn't stop his body from reacting this way and it was a time that Remus had never been ashamed of.

Until now.

"_Go away!" _he snarled, beginning to pace as his skin itched madly. He whined as his groin throbbed, unimaginable heat pouring through him.

"No," Sirius said, the word breathless, making Remus's head whip around again. "I-I'm not leaving you alone. You forgot your Bane because of me. I'll stay right here if you want me to, but I'm not leaving you like this. I can't."

Anger exploded in Remus's head and he roared, flying towards the wards, only just stopping himself from hurtling right into them. Sirius blinked but didn't so much as step back.

"_He'll hurt you!"_

"You don't know that. He might not."

Oh, but he did. He definitely did.

"_Please… go…"_

Sirius groaned again at the pleading, reaching up to tug at his dishevelled hair. "Remus, for fuck's sake, I _can't!_ I'm sorry, I'm so very, very, sorry, but I just… I can't. I can't leave you while you're in pain. It's not possible."

_It certainly seemed possible a couple of days ago,_ Remus thought bitterly, a continuous rumbling snarl pouring from his throat, but the thought was cut off as right then, the moon abruptly reached its peak and his human world detonated.

There weren't words to describe the pain. He screamed as his bone snapped and shifted, breaking cruelly, the wolf shoving its way through his skin and reducing the wizard to a sobbing, quivering mess. His erection shrunk to nothing as relentless agony blotted out his arousal, fire burning and consuming him and making him screech hoarsely, the end of the sound falling off into an eerie howl as his vocal chords began to shift. His knees bend backwards and his spine hunched and rippled, white-hot pain blasting through him and making him forget everything else.

He couldn't remember the last time it had been this bad. Sure, the change was easier when he remembered his Bane, but even before that, the pain had never been this horrendous. He continued to scream manically for what seemed like endless hours, the wolf's howl mixing in, and then finally, the burn began to fade as the change completed.

The wolf shifted slightly, growling as his senses adapted to his surroundings. He could smell damp earth and rotting leaves, clean air and freedom, and something else, something, something…

_Mate._

His snout snapped up and the large black dog next to him whimpered, taking an instictive step back. Fury ripped through the wolf at the sight of the other animal and he was off the ground in an instant, snarling menacingly, drool dripping from gaping jaws that showed incredibly sharp, pointed teeth. The dog's grey eyes widened and he took another step back, cowering in the face of the Alpha, expecting whatever the wolf felt was his due.

_Hurt. _

_Left. _

_Others._

_Others. Others. Others._

_Mine._

_Punish._

_Punish!_

The wolf growled once more, low and vicious. He braced himself, then streaked forward, faster than a thought, and the sound of the dog's pain-filled yipping and whining could be heard all throughout the now deadly silent forest.


	7. Explaining

**Precious**

Disclaimer: Ach, no, laddies and lassies, I don' own 'Arry Pot'er! Nor do I even want to try to stake a claim on the abysmally poor accent I just tried to pull off.

**Chapter Seven – Explaining**

_The wolf growled once more, low and vicious. He braced himself, then streaked forward, faster than a thought, and the dog's pain-filled yipping and whining could be heard all throughout the now deadly silent forest._

* * *

><p>The tree covering did nothing to hide the early morning sunlight as it broke through the branches, and Remus groaned as beat down on his body, making him turn over onto his back and blink rapidly to defend against it. He felt like a big greasy ball of shite. His body ached like a rotten tooth, his muscles and bones screaming their protest at what the transformation had put them through, and the sun wasn't making it any better. The heat was just emphasizing the burning of the various cuts and scratches sprinkled across his skin.<p>

Taking a silent count of all the places that hurt, Remus was actually surprised at how little pain there was. Sure, his body was one massive bruise, pulsing in time with his heartbeat, but it definitely could have been worse. It was only the fact that the wolf had been distracted last night-

His memory of the previous evening roared through his mind and Remus sat bolt upright, eyes wide and panicked.

_Fuck! Sirius!_

His neck spasmed as it shot round, but he ignored the jolt of pain, desperate to find the man the wolf had attacked. The warded area he'd transformed in was a mess of broken brush and trampled ground. If you knew what to look for, you could clearly see that a fight had taken place, which did nothing for Remus's panic as his eyes flicked quickly from one point to the next. Shit, where was he? His senses were irritatingly dull, just as they always were the morning after, as the abrupt change back to human sight and sense of smell was always disorientating. He couldn't see Sirius in the surrounding area, but as his gaze swept over a patch of bush at the furthest edge of the wards, he caught a flash of black that looked very out of place.

_There!_

"Sirius?" he croaked through a throat that felt like he'd swallowed glass. "You all right?"

Silence was his only answer.

"Sirius? Come on, Padfoot, we need to go. Get up, would you?"

Still no reply from the Animagus. Remus's panic grew threefold, and with his body shrieking in protest, he slowly and carefully pulled himself to his feet. He had to get to Sirius. He had to see how badly the man was hurt. He remembered using his claws on Padfoot the night before, remembered hearing him whimper in pain, but he didn't remember the big black dog putting up any type of fight. At the time, the wolf hadn't cared, all it had been concerned about was teaching his Mate a lesson. Now, though, the wolf's human counterpart was terrified out of his wits.

Just how much damage had Sirius allowed to happen to him last night?

Remus wobbled on his feet as he took the first step. It felt like he was trying to swim through thick, suffocating mud. His muscles weren't answered his commands as they should and he fell three times before he managed to make it over to the bush his ex was huddled behind. Black dots floated in his vision, but Remus shook his head, trying his best to clear them. He couldn't pass out now. Not when Sirius needed him.

_It seems to me he needs you to hurt him more than he needs you to help him._

The werewolf scowled at the little voice in the back of his mind and collapsed down beside the bush, pushing it aside while his thoughts spun. He was sure Sirius was okay, he had to be, there was no way he couldn't be. He was the wolf's Mate after all. No matter what he did, the wolf wouldn't hurt him _too_ badly…

His brain froze, his lungs quickly following suit when he took in the still form of his one-time best mate lying on the ground, completely covered in blood.

_No. _

_No!_

Lurching forward and ignoring the bolt of agony that flared through him, Remus grabbed hold of Sirius's shoulder, shaking it frantically as it said his name over and over. Terror swept over him in a crushing wave when Sirius didn't respond at all, his face turned away from the werewolf, his usually silky hair dirty and matted against his skull. Liquid shone amongst the strands and Remus's mind shied away from acknowledging how much of it there was. It couldn't be… he didn't know… he couldn't have… how could he… sweet Merlin, what had he done?

What had he done?

_Remus, you prat, stop panicking and pull yourself together! Sirius needs help, so get him some!_

The werewolf didn't stop to wonder why his rational side sounded so much like Lily, he just dragged himself to his feet again and stumbled over to where his clothes and wand were lying. Ignoring the clothing, he scrambled for his wand and then weaved his way back to Sirius, vision blurring in and out as he tumbled down beside him. His body wasn't used to such strenuous activity right after the Moon and it was letting him know that, but he did his best to push his way through it, gritting his teeth as pain pounded through his extremities. That didn't matter at the moment. All that mattered was Sirius.

Clutching his wand tightly, he reached out and grabbed Sirius's arm, swallowing heavily at the feel of the blood transferring onto his skin. He knew of only one place to go where both he and Sirius would be treated fairly. With this destination in mind, he yanked at the close-to depleted magic in his core, forcibly making the dregs do what he wanted them to do and Apparating himself and Sirius away with a loud _crack._

Appearing in the middle of an empty living room, his body swayed as blackness grew at the edges of his vision, a strange rushing pressure filling his ears. He gagged a couple of times and swallowed back the contents of his stomach, the sound of running footsteps breaking through the haziness swimming through his mind. He slowly lifted his head and blinked at the wands in his face, relief coursing through him when he saw the very witch he was after.

"Ginny… Sirius… help…"

The blackness grew, the panicked voices retreating with the rest of the world, and with that, Remus passed out on Harry Potter's living room floor for the second time in a week.

~0~

It was the scent that woke him. That delicious tangy/spicy aroma wound its way through his brain and slowly bought him back to consciousness, bringing with it a voice and the feeling of familiar fingers trailing through his hair.

"Come on, Remus, open your eyes. You've slept long enough, you lazy arse."

The tremble in the voice belayed the carefree words, and Remus's eyes cracked open. He blinked a couple of times as he tried to take in his surroundings, confusion tugging at the mist blanketing his brain. Where was he? What was going on? Why was he-

_Sirius!_

His body was moving before his brain registered the thought, springing up in the bed as his memories came back full force. He'd hurt Sirius! Was he okay? Had Ginny helped him? He had to-

"Whoa, Moony, it's all right, calm down. You shouldn't be up and about yet."

Remus's head shot round and his eyes widened when he saw the person sitting next to his bed. Dressed in a pair of old plaid pyjamas that looked far too short on him, the man smiled weakly, the whiteness of the bandage around his head contrasting with the blackness of his hair.

"Rem? How are you feeling?"

Remus stared for a long moment and then cleared his throat, absently pushing back the arms of the tattered dressing gown he seemed to be wearing.

"Sirius?"

"Yeah, it's me. Did you hit your head as well? Maybe I should get Ginny…"

The werewolf's hand shot out when the man began to get up, muttering about getting Harry's trainee-healer girlfriend to check Remus over, and Sirius stopped in his tracks, looking back over his shoulder with an inquisitive expression.

"Moony?"

"Are you all right?" Remus blurted, gaze flitting quickly over the man, looking for signs of injury. "Are you hurt? There was so much blood, how can you be walking? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"Remus, I'm fine," Sirius interrupted, smiling at his ex and taking a seat again. "They were just superficial wounds. Small cuts and grazes, mostly, nothing very deep. The reason there was so much blood was because there was so many of them. I don't think the wolf left an inch of my body untouched."

Remus closed his eyes as relief blasted through him, sending his heart into overdrive. He hadn't hurt him. All scratches, no bites, no long lasting effects… wait a minute. His eyes popped open again.

"What about the bandage?"

Sirius grimaced, cheeks flushing with embarrassment as his hand went up to finger the strip of material bound around his head.

"That's the reason why I was unconscious when you woke. I, ah, sort of ran into a tree and knocked myself out."

Once again, the werewolf stared.

"You ran into… a tree?"

"Yeah," his one-time friend answered sheepishly. "I was sort of exhausted and not seeing straight, and I guess the blood loss came into it as well, but I had to run because Moony still wanted to chase and catch me. He was coming up on me and I was looking over my shoulder to see how far away he was, and BAM!" he punched his fist into his opposite palm. "Right into an elm. I guess I changed back once I passed out. I'm sorry I wasn't awake and aware when you became you again."

Sirius continued talking, but Remus tuned his words out, watching the other wizard silently as his mind churned. Now that he wasn't terrified that he'd hurt Sirius badly, confusion was beginning to burrow and itch in his brain. He remembered all of what the wolf was thinking and feeling the night before, but most importantly, he remembered Sirius's reactions. Padfoot hadn't even tried to fight the wolf off when it had attacked, that much he was sure of. It didn't matter that the wolf hadn't seriously hurt him, had never had any intention of seriously hurting him. The dog hadn't fought back, and that was something Remus was having major trouble wrapping his brain around.

Why hadn't he fought back? Why hadn't he defended himself?

"Remus? Do you want me to get Ginny?"

"Why didn't you defend yourself against him?" the werewolf asked abruptly, ignoring the other man's question. He didn't need to see Ginny, he was fine. A little more sleep and he'd be right as rain. What he did need to know was why his ex-lover had let Moony sink his claws into him. Literally.

Sirius blinked at his question and something a lot like guilt flittered through his eyes. "What are you talking about? Of course I defended myself."

"No, you didn't. I remember what happened and you may have run as if trying to escape like normal, you may have allowed yourself to be caught like normal, but what wasn't normal was that you then laid back and took whatever the wolf dealt out. You allowed him to rip into your skin with his claws. You allowed him to throw you around and send you head over tail into thorn-filled bushes, or skidding across the rough ground. And even though he never even contemplated biting, I'm positive that if he had, you would have allowed that as well. You say you were there for me, but something tells me that that wasn't the entire reason. What's going on, Sirius?"

He said it all calmly, completely contradicting the sickening roiling of his gut. His mind was screaming that he didn't need to ask the question because he already knew the answer. He was just wishing, praying, _pleading_ that it wasn't true. It couldn't be true. Sirius would never do that.

Would he?

If someone had asked him that question a year or so ago, he would have been able to answer with a firm, confident _no._ Now, he wasn't so sure, and that fact was tearing him up inside. He waited for the Animagus to answer, but all Sirius did was look down and twist his hands anxiously in his lap.

"Sirius? Answer me please."

"I don't think you want to know the answer, Moony," he whispered almost too quietly for Remus to hear. The werewolf frowned.

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know the answer, Padfoot. What's going on?"

Sirius's head came up and he met Remus's eyes for a moment before he quickly looked down again. It wasn't a long look, but it was long enough to make Remus's heart sink.

_Shit. Please don't let him…_

"I deserved it."

Remus's eyes closed again. That's what he'd thought.

"You deserved it," he repeated in a soft monotone, hands fisting on the bedspread. He opened his eyes in time to see Sirius nod.

"Yes. I deserved every little mark I got. I hurt you, Remus, and I hurt Moony at the same time. He deserved to get his revenge and I deserved to be punished. This way, we're all happy."

The wizard in the bed let out a hopeless little laugh. Happy? He thought Remus was happy?

"Do you want me to hate you?"

Sirius's mouth fell open and he stared at the other man, shock plainly splashed across his face.

"What?"

"Do you want me to hate you?" Remus repeated calmly. "Because that's the only explanation I can think of for you doing something like that."

"Of course I don't want you to hate me!" Sirius spluttered. "I was only giving everyone what they wanted!"

The werewolf shouldn't have been surprised at how much it hurt that the man had gotten it so completely wrong.

"See, here's the thing, though, Sirius. You getting hurt even the littlest bit is that last thing I want, especially when the wolf is the one hurting you. To think that you _allowed_ him to hurt you, to turn you into the bloody mess I found when I woke up…" Remus shuddered. "You know how much I feared hurting someone when we were in school. It featured in a number of my nightmares, or don't you remember?"

"I remember," Sirius whispered. His ex nodded and continued.

"Then there's the fact that I was terrified of hurting you, James and Peter when you joined me during transformations. I didn't want to hurt _anyone,_ but that was one of my greatest, longest lasting fears, and last night… last night you made sure that it came true."

There was a startled pause and then the Animagus's eyes went wide, understanding and horror dawning in them.

"Fuck, Remus, I'm sorry, that wasn't what-"

"I know you're sorry, Padfoot, you're always sorry," Remus interrupted with a weary sigh, rubbing his aching eyes with his hands. He didn't want to hear any excuses now. He didn't think he'd ever want to hear them. "It doesn't make you stop and think, does it? You always act first and ask questions later, no matter how detrimental it may be to your friends or the people around you."

A whole multitude of emotions passed across Sirius's face, so quickly that Remus had trouble catching them all. Finally, his expression settled into hurt and bewilderment.

"I thought you'd forgiven me for that, Moony."

The werewolf frowned in confusion. "Forgiven you for what?"

"Snape."

Astonishment made him blink rapidly, and Remus's first thought was to reach out and comfort, to assure Sirius that he had forgiven him, that he couldn't and didn't hold the actions of a cocky teenage boy against his grownup counterpart. He'd actually lifted his hand to do just that when he paused, suspicion trickled through his mind.

_Maybe that's what he wants. Maybe he wants you to reach for him, to change the subject, to divert the conversation. Maybe he's manipulating you to alleviate his own guilt. Wouldn't be the first time, would it?_

Fuck. Remus rubbed his mouth with the back of his hand he'd been going to reach out with, trying to get rid of the bad taste on his tongue. No, it definitely wouldn't be. Sirius hadn't done it for years, not since the first war had kicked into overdrive, but the feeling the werewolf had now was just as familiar and just as unwelcome.

"Are you trying to turn this on me, so that I end up feeling guilty and your transgressions get forgotten about?"

Sirius blinked, the hurt on his face growing. "What? No!"

It was testament to how far the two wizards had travelled from each other that Sirius thought he'd be able to get anything past Remus, especially a lie so blatant as the one he had just told. Remus stared at him in disbelief for a lengthy moment and then sighed, disappointment coating his throat. Lying back in the bed, he turned onto his side so that his back faced his ex.

"I think you better leave now, Sirius."

There was a short pause and then Remus flinched away from the hand that tried to rest on his shoulder. He heard Sirius swallow heavily.

"Remus, I really am sor-"

"Just go, Sirius!"

Silence greeted his outburst, and then the sound of retreating footsteps and the quiet closing of the door echoed through the sun-warmed bedroom, a muted _crack_ following close behind. Remus squeezed his eyes shut as his heart ached, chest pulsing hollowly, wanting nothing more than to bury himself under the blankets and sleep for the next ten years. But, knowing that hiding his head in the sand wouldn't do a bloody thing expect make his problems seem bigger when he finally lifted his head to face them, he turned over again and dragged his abused body out of bed.

He had a life to live, and as much as it hurt, Remus had always done his best to face life head on. He wasn't going to let losing the love of his life as well as the only best mate he had left change that, even if that love was the best part of his life to begin with.

_Well, then, you'll just have to start a new chapter, won't you?_ he thought determinedly as he headed for the door. He was starting at Hogwarts soon. A new door was opening, and if that meant he had to close, lock and throw away the key for the one he'd just stepped out of, then so be it. He was better off anyway.

Maybe if he told himself that enough, he might actually believe it.


	8. Protecting

**Precious**

Disclaimer: I do not own. Nope, I really don't.

**Chapter Eight – Protecting **

_A new door was opening, and if that meant he had to close, lock and throw away the key for the one he'd just stepped out of, then so be it. He was better off anyway. Maybe if he told himself that enough, he might actually believe it._

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><p><strong>AN - Sorry people! This chapter took me far too long to get out, but it's here now, so let's all rejoice, shall we? Please do let me what you think. Oh, and a huge thank you to the lovely adVENTitiious for pre-reading and being a sort of unofficial beta for this chapter. You rock, girlfriend! :)**

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><p>Walking down the stairs, Remus's steps slowed as he became aware of the frantic whispering from the lower level of the house. It seemed Harry and Ginny were in the middle of a discussion, a rather heated one by the sounds of it, and going by the low volume, not one they wanted him to know about. He already had a decent idea of what they were talking about, however, and he hesitated briefly on the middle landing, reluctant to face their questions.<p>

Dora knew, yes, as did Minerva, but his son's mother and Sirius weren't exactly what you would call close, and Minerva he'd only told because he hadn't had a choice. Telling Harry… well, that just made it more real.

He wished right done to his very bones that it wasn't real.

_Come on, Moony, buck up, are you a Gryffindor or not? Stop procrastinating and get your arse down there. _

_Ripping off a bandage only hurts for a moment, Remus._

_Yes, but the wound under it throbs for quite a while afterwards,_ he thought wearily to the imaginary James and Lily in his head. But knowing that they - and by extension his common sense - were right, and that he couldn't put the unavoidable conversation off any longer, Remus took a deep, bracing breath and continued down the stairs. The second-to-bottom step squeaked when he stepped on it, and the conversation in the kitchen abruptly silenced.

"Remus? What are you doing up? You should still be in bed," Ginny scolded as he walked slowly into the kitchen and sunk down into a chair at the table. Harry was leaning against the kitchen counter and watching him intently, the green eyes that were so like Lily's focused and shrewd. Remus looked at him and then quickly looked down at the table, only just stopping himself from shifting in his seat.

Harry was like a son to him. Remus hated disappointing family.

_Yes, but you weren't the one who did anything wrong, were you?_

"I'm fine, just tired," he answered quietly as he pushed aside the dull flair of pain in his chest. "I need to get up and move anyway, otherwise my muscles may seize up, which isn't very pleasant to resolve."

"Really? I read that werewolves generally just need to sleep the day after the transformation," the redhead commented in a conversational tone. She moved over to the kettle and put it on, getting a mug out for Remus and setting about making him a cup of tea. Harry still hadn't said anything, and the longer the heavy silence and that unbroken stare went on, the more uncomfortable Remus became.

"Most werewolves go through the transformation with wolfsbane in their system nowadays, and many of them sleep through it afterwards, meaning all they have to recover from is the actual shift. My wolf came out last night, and I think it ran more than I can remember it running in a very long. My body's not used to that, hence the need to move as much as I can the next day."

The werewolf looked up with a brief smile when the steaming mug was placed down in front of him, and Ginny smiled back, her expression kind. "Well, then, you learn something new every day, don't you?" she stated cheerfully, patting his shoulder before looking back at her still silent boyfriend. "I'll be in my office if you need me. Talk, would you? There's always two sides to every story."

Remus frowned as she walked over and leaned up to kiss Harry on the cheek, before smiling at their overnight guest again and heading for the door. It swung shut behind her, only the click of it latching breaking the hush still hanging over the kitchen.

There were two sides to every story? What did she mean by that?

Deciding to take the bull by the horns and get the conversation over and done with, Remus took a sip of his tea, looked over at the other wizard and then gestured to opposite seat. "Will you sit? There's something I need to tell you."

"You've left Sirius for real," Harry suddenly stated, the abrupt, somewhat cool tone surprising his old Professor. He didn't move from his spot against the counter and the intense expression in his eyes didn't shift. The werewolf frowned again.

He looked… angry? Yes, angry, but let down and frustrated as well. Unease twisted in Remus's stomach. What was going on here?

"Yes, I have," he confirmed carefully, his confusion growing when Harry's face hardened further. "How did you know?"

"Sirius mentioned it before he left. You kicked him out."

Remus blinked. _What?_

"Harry, what are you talking about? I didn't kick him out. I asked him to leave earlier, yes, but I didn't kick him out. This is your house; I couldn't kick him out of here if I tried."

"Not now," the Chosen One replied with a scowl and wave of his hand, before folding his arms across his chest. "You kicked him out of your life. You broke your promise to him. Why would you do that, Remus?"

_I'll be right next to you the entire way, Padfoot. You're stuck with me from now on. You won't ever be alone again, I swear it._

The werewolf slowly got to his feet, tea forgotten as the promise he'd made Sirius when then they'd first gotten back together flooded his mind. How did Harry know about that? No one knew that but him and- _no. _His voice was deceptively soft when he spoke next.

"Harry, exactly what did Sirius say to you when he left here earlier?"

"He said that you two were over and that you'd kicked him out of your life. He looked really hurt. Unbelievably hurt. Whatever happened, it can't have been bad enough to go back on a promise he treasured, could it? I'm severly disappointed in you. I didn't realize you were that cruel."

Remus went rigid as the barb flew straight at its target, hitting him directly in the heart and swelling so that his whole body buzzed with the sting. He closed his eyes and breathed as best he could through it, before opening them again and meeting Harry's piercing gaze. Where did this come from? The last time they'd spoken, Harry had been supportive. He very obviously wasn't now.

What had changed?

"It's a little more complicated than you're making it out to be, Harry," he said, voice far too calm to fit the situation. His ex-student scowled further.

"Want to explain it to me then? My godfather left here looking like his heart had been cut out. I feel I have a right to know why."

_Oh, do you?_ Remus thought archly, swallowing down the surprisingly strong hurt that Sirius was the one Harry was defending, the one that Harry was standing behind. The Auror didn't know what had happened between him and his ex – and would it ever stop hurting to think of him that way? – so it made sense to support the one who was probably coming across as the victim. To Harry, Remus had dumped Sirius abruptly and without warning, and it would have taken Sirius's godson completely by surprise, despite already knowing that the two wizards were at odds.

That didn't mean that it didn't hurt, though. And it also didn't mean that Remus was going to allow the boy to get away with speaking to him like that.

"I'll thank you to watch your tone if you please," he said coolly, pinning the younger man with a pointed look. Harry's face flushed and he shifted anxiously for a moment, before his demeanour straightened in determination, some of the embarrassment still leaking through.

"I'm not your student anymore, Remus. When I ask for answers, I expect to get them."

_Well, hello, Lord Potter, _the werewolf thought, amusement eclipsing his displeasure for a moment. There was the man Harry was born to be, the man he would have been if Voldemort hadn't killed Lily and James. The thought deflated his mirth rather rapidly, reminding him that he was in the middle of a discussion that was very quickly becoming an argument.

"I might be more willing to answer your questions if you weren't demanding the answers from me," he replied, voice hardening just a touch. He copied the younger wizard and folded his arms across his chest. "And besides, what happened is between Sirius and myself. It doesn't have anything to do with you, and I'd appreciate it if you'd dropped the subject."

"Doesn't have anything to do with me?" Harry repeated in disbelief, brows winging as his jaw clenched. "He's my godfather! I want to know why he left here looking broken!"

The barbs were even sharper this time, and Remus visibly flinched, his arms tightening across his chest like he was hugging himself as he took an instinctive step backwards. Fuck. No matter what Sirius did or had done, just the thought of hurting the man he loved destroyed him. It was another painful layer added to their disintegrated relationship, another slash across the heart of the two of them as a couple. Sirius may have hurt him badly, but Remus had hurt him in return by calling him on it and taking that first step away from them. They were a mess, a thorny, complicated mess, and it didn't look like that mess was going to be cleaned up anytime soon.

Having Harry comment scathingly on it wasn't helping at all either.

"I do not want to talk about this, Harry," he said, voice hollow. The young Auror hesitated for a brief second, eyes flicking over the older man as he took in his defeated body language, but the uncertainty didn't last long. He wanted answers and he was going to get them.

"I don't care if you want to talk about it or not, you're going to! You hurt him Remus! I've never seen him so hurt!"

"Yes, well, he hurt me first!" the werewolf snapped as his displeasure escalated into ire. "Do not comment on things you know nothing about, Harry James Potter. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think it's time I headed back to Dora's."

He turned away from the younger wizard, intending to grab his wand so that he could go fetch his clothing, when said younger wizard stopped him with a firm grip on his arm. Remus looked back over his shoulder, eyes wide with incredulity.

"I would know exactly what you were talking about if you'd just _tell _me!" Harry hissed, cheeks flushed with his own anger. "First you hurt him physically, and then you compound that with, going by the way he was acting, a severe emotional blow as well! You _know_ what he's gone through over the years, Remus! And then you decide to just up and abandon him? What is _wrong_ with you?"

"There's _nothing_ wrong with me!" Remus growled, swinging back around to face the other man. "I did what I had to do; there wasn't any other choice!"

"There's always another choice!"

"No, there is _not!"_

"Okay, boys, I think that's enough," a commanding voice spoke from the doorway, and both men turned to see Ginny standing there with her hands on her hips, glaring at the two of them. Remus grimaced to himself and nodded stiffly.

"I agree. I'll be going, then. Thank you for healing Sirius and for housing us for the night, Ginny. We both appreciated it."

"You're more than welcome, Remus," the redheaded witch answered, though her eyes were latched firmly on her scowling, silent boyfriend. "We're having a dinner party at the end of next week. You'll come, won't you?"

A very quick glance at Harry had Remus's gut clenching, and he turned away. "I'll be at Hogwarts next week, and there's a lot to do before the new school year begins. I may be too busy, but I'll let you know, okay?"

The witch's expression became even sharper as she stared daggers at the other occupant of the room, who just focused his wooden gaze on the floor and didn't say a word. "All right. If I haven't heard from you by Friday, I'll floo you. Go home and rest, Remus. You really shouldn't be on your feet as yet."

"Yes, ma'am," he joked, tying to lighten the mood as he passed her on the way out the door. He didn't so much as look in Harry's direction. "I'll talk to you soon."

"Bye, Remus," she answered, and without looking behind him, the werewolf headed back up the stairs and apparated out of the house as soon as he had his wand in hand, trying to ignore the extra crack in his already shattered heart.

~0~

The next week passed quietly, Remus avoiding as many of the people who meant something to him as he could, using the time to settle himself into his old teaching position at Hogwarts and helping Dora and Teddy get ready for their own move. He couldn't avoid everyone, however. He was as close to Harry's friends as he was - had been - to Harry, and Hermione taught at the school herself, having taken over the Transfiguration position as soon as she was old enough. The look on her face when she didn't realize he knew she was looking told him all he needed to know. Harry Potter's friends and family were a tight, close-knit bunch, so if something upset one of them, they all knew. She chose not to comment on it, but he did seem to see her a bit more than he'd been expecting to, as showed up in his office and quarters a lot, pulling him away from his work to socialize with the rest of the staff. Hermione didn't see right and wrong as plainly as Harry and Dora did, so she would've known that there had to have been a reason for Remus to take such drastic action. Truth be told, her silent support actually provided a little bit of comfort.

Remus didn't speak to Harry at all. The young Auror was being very stubborn, a sentiment Remus found himself partaking in. If Harry didn't want to talk to him, then he didn't want to talk to Harry. He could almost hear Lily sighing and muttering "boys" in his head every time he mulishly turned away from the floo, but his pride wouldn't let him contact the boy until Harry chose to make the first move.

He refused to acknowledge how much of that pride was actually hurt. The other wizard's words and beliefs had cut unexpectedly deep.

He missed Sirius every day. It was like a raw, physical ache inside him, and the more time that passed without him seeing the Animagus, the worse the feeling grew. After the first night alone in the large bed in his quarters, he took to sleeping on the couch in his living room, as the cold, empty space next to him in bed taunted him every time he closed his eyes, making sleep impossible. At least his body took up the entire couch, just as it had at Dora's, so the loneliness that hounded him during the night wasn't nearly as bad.

His stubbornness came into play again when the week neared its end and he still hadn't gotten back to Ginny. He passed it off as being too busy, there actually really was quite a lot to sort out, but deep down he knew it was because he didn't want to impose himself where he wasn't wanted. He'd told Ginny when she'd eventually flooed, just as she'd said she was going to, that there was too much to do and he couldn't get away. The young witch had argued for a bit but then had accepted it grudgingly, and that Saturday evening, Remus settled onto his makeshift bed to work on a lesson plan, content with a night filled with paperwork.

He hadn't counted on the very determined female third of the Golden Trio.

"All right, Remus, put that down, you're coming with me," Hermione ordered as the door to the werewolf's quarters swung open forcefully and the bushy-haired witch strode into the room. Having been lost in the lesson plan and not paying any attention to his surroundings at all, Remus started slightly at the interruption.

"I am?" he answered curiously as he peered up at the young woman, amusement pulling at his mouth when she nodded sagely.

"Yes, you are. We have a dinner party to attend. Come now, chop, chop, everyone else will be there already."

Remus's stomach swooped and he slowly put his papers down, a frown growing on his face. "Hermione, I've already told Ginny I won't be able to make it. I've too much work to do."

"Bollocks," the witch answered, arching a brow at him as she folded her arms across her crisp oxford shirt. "I've got just as much to do as you do and I've managed to take a night off. A couple of hours isn't going to set you back. Now, get up, we'll take your floo."

With his frown deepened, Remus leant forward and rested his elbows on his knees, staring up at the impatient witch in front of him. "As much as I'd like to, I'll have to politely decline this time. It would be rude for me to show up now, when I've already said I couldn't come."

"Oh, like they're really going to care about that," Hermione huffed, foot starting to tap on the floor. "These are your friends, Remus. RSVPs don't mean squat with them."

The wizard sighed and rubbed his face with his hand. "I can think of one person who would object to me showing up," he muttered. He looked up in surprise when his unexpected guest sighed as well, abruptly sat down beside him and took his hand.

"Harry's being an arse. He is," she insisted when Remus snorted quietly. "He's focusing on one aspect and not deviating from that point of view. You have to admit, though, it didn't help that you didn't set him straight when he jumped to the assumption that you dumped Sirius for no reason. Why didn't you, by the way?"

Remus quickly looked down. "It's not his business."

"Actually, it sort of is when you get down to it," the witch mused thoughtfully, ignoring Remus when he looked up again to protest. "You and Sirius are basically his parents in all honesty, but I think maybe he's a little more connected to Sirius. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you just as much, of course. But Sirius, though, well…"

"Sirius is his godfather and the man that promised to take him away from the Dursleys," the werewolf finished quietly. "He _is_ his father, really, so it makes sense he'd take his side. I understand that."

"That still doesn't explain why you allowed him to believe the breakup was all your fault."

Sighing, Remus got up, paced towards the window and back again, then retook his seat, movements agitated. "You said it yourself, Hermione. He sees Sirius as a father figure. What kid wants to find out that their Dad is far from perfect?"

"Ah," the witch said as comprehension dawned in her eyes, "so you didn't tell him because you didn't want to lower Harry's opinion of Sirius? Okay, I can see that. But you can't do that at the expense of your own relationship with him, Remus. True, you don't have to tell him exactly what happened if you don't want to, you don't have to tell anyone that, as it really is only yours and Sirius's business, but you can't leave him thinking that his godfather didn't play his own part in the whole thing. He knows Sirius isn't an angel. I think he'll be more accepting than you think he will be."

She reached over and patted his knee, then got up and looked down at him expectantly. "So, are you coming? Even if you don't patch things up with Harry just yet, everyone else still wants to see you."

_Everyone else… _"Sirius will be there," Remus murmured, fist unconsciously lifting to rest against his chest, where the ache flared brilliantly. Hermione sighed.

"Yeah, he probably will be. But you can handle that, right? You're going to have to see him eventually, anyway. You do run in the same circles, after all."

Shit. Could he handle seeing Sirius so soon, as well as a disapproving and angry would-be son?

_The best way to convince someone that you're over them is to let them see it, Remus. Attend that party or function, mingle with them and their friends, and pretend with all your might that you don't care one iota they're in the same room as you. There's a muggle saying that goes, 'revenge is a dish best served cold.' Trust me, there's nothing more debasing than your ex getting over you a lot quicker than you get over them, even if it's just an act on your part._

The advice Lily had given him in fifth year when he'd just been dumped by Patrick Greenwood, a boy who, at the time, he'd been convinced was the love of his life, ran back through his mind. He couldn't pretend with Sirius, there'd be no way in hell he could pull it off, but if he did go, at least then he could show the wizard that he wasn't entirely pathetic. He could show him that, even it took an extremely long time, he _could_ build a life without his ex-best mate and lover by his side.

It wouldn't grant full closure, but maybe it would give him that first tiny inch towards the beginning of it. It might just be a step in the right direction.

"All right," he said finally, looking at his fellow professor as the witch waited for him to reach a decision. "I'll go. But only through dinner. I really do have a large amount of work to do."

"That's all I ask," Hermione replied with a grin, choosing not to call him on the still weak excuse. "Let's go, then. We're already late."

She walked over to the floo with a still reluctant Remus following slowly, grabbed some powder and threw it into the empty grate. "Harry and Ginny's!" she called when the hearth flared, and Remus stood silently as she disappeared in a flash of green. He took a deep breath, clearing his throat when the air caught in his lungs, and with an apprehensive exhale, followed the witch's example.

"Harry and Ginny's!"


	9. Admitting

**Precious**

Disclaimer: Sirius doesn't think. And I not only don't think, I very much _know_ that I don't own Harry Potter.

**Chapter Nine – Admitting**

_Remus stood silently as she disappeared in a flash of green. He took a deep breath, clearing his throat when the air caught in his lungs, and with an apprehensive exhale, followed the witch's example. "Harry and Ginny's!" _

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><p>The party was in full swing by the time Remus stepped out of the floo in Harry and Ginny's living room. People he both knew well and knew by appearance only – mainly the young witch and wizard's co-workers – stood in small groups, laughing and talking, glasses in their hands that they sipped from periodically, which were being continuously refilled by a charm when they reached a certain level of emptiness. He stopped at the entrance of the fireplace, unable to venture any further as nerves churned in his gut. Sirius was here somewhere. And not only that, it was the very first time he'd been in this house without knowing whether he was welcome or not. It was more than a little off-putting.<p>

A hand touched his arm, giving it an encouraging pat, and Remus sent Hermione a weak smile.

"Come on," she said with a smile of her own. "Let's go let Ginny know that we're here."

"Is Ron here tonight?" Remus asked quietly as she tugged him through the throng, both of them smiling and sending nods towards the people who called out their names in greeting as they passed. He made sure to keep a wary eye out for a lean body and a dark head of hair, not wanting to face him just yet. "Did he manage to get away?"

"No, he tried, but his coach wouldn't let him leave the camp, what with the week he had to take last month," Hermione answered. "He tried to argue that that had been an emergency and he hadn't had a choice, but the prat wouldn't listen. Harry was disappointed, but he understands."

Remus's smile was wry as he shook his head. Such was the life of a professional Quidditch player. Ron had been thrilled when he'd been offered a position on the Puddlemere United reverse team the first time he'd tried out, but he hadn't actually been offered the opportunity to play until the beginning of the summer, when two of the players had resigned from the team due to an injury and an unexpected pregnancy. The coach, determined to have the best replacements he could find, had taken the reserve team to Romania for three months. This unfortunately meant that apart from a month ago when Fred had managed to end up poisoning himself – the twins were good, _extremely_ good, but even they made mistakes with their products at times, especially when a untested concoction didn't mix well with the healing potions still lingering in one's blood – the only contact Hermione had had with her boyfriend all summer had been via owl or floo. The young witch seemed to be taking it in her stride, however. When Sirius had questioned Harry about her cheerful demeanour, Ginny had answered with a laugh that Hermione was enjoying the peace and quiet while she could.

Remus remembered thinking that he'd enjoy the calm as well, if his and Sirius's relationship had been as volatile as Hermione and Ron's. He'd never met a pair who bickered so much.

"The camp will be ending soon, won't it?" he queried. "The season's starting in a month or so."

"Two weeks and he'll be home with either good or bad news," Hermione confirmed. She frowned slightly as they approached the kitchen door. "Merlin, I hope it's good news. Rejection again will not put him in a good mood, and a sulking Ronald isn't very pleasant to live with."

Though her tone came across exasperated, Remus noted the troubled concern marring her eyes. As much as Ron and Hermione fought, they did love each other quite a lot, and Ron not achieving his dream had hurt Hermione as much as it had her boyfriend. It had been her that had stopped him from quitting the team in a fit of pique, and it had been her that had convinced him that a couple of no's didn't mean that he was a terrible player. He'd made the reserves after all, hadn't he? That was an accomplishment in itself.

"He's gotten a lot better since being on the Gryffindor team, Sirius says that Newman would be a fool not to…" the werewolf trailed off as that ache pulsed in his chest, his lips pressing together in a tight line. It was so easy to think of him. Too easy, _far_ too easy, and it hurt every time.

Hermione patted his arm again, her expression sympathetic as they walked into the kitchen, the chatter cutting in volume dramatically as the door shut behind them. Remus stopped the instant they entered the room. Molly was busy stirring something on the stove as Ginny peered into the fridge, but it was Harry standing at the kitchen table, chopping up carrots and celery that had him pausing. For some reason, he hadn't expected the young wizard to be there. Sirius certainly hadn't spent any time in the kitchen helping when he and Remus had entertained. The nerves turning his stomach into a bed of snakes grew threefold.

The sound of the door made Ginny pull out of the fridge and turn towards them. Her pensive expression brightened immediately.

"Remus, you came!" she grinned, quickly handing a jar to her mother before turning back to them eagerly. Remus felt a reluctant smile tug at his lips as he noticed a smear of something that might have been flour on her forehead.

"I didn't have much of a choice," he answered dryly with a look at Hermione, who smiled and shrugged. "Thank you for the invite, Ginny, I hope you aren't going to too much trouble."

"It's never too much trouble to have friends around," Ginny replied. A snort from Harry's direction had her sending him a glare. "Aren't you going to greet your guests, Harry? I don't see a drink in their hands."

The young man winced at the frosty tone, before dutifully turning to the pair at the door and smiling warmly at one half. "Hey, Hermione, glass of wine?"

"Yes, thanks," his friend answered. Harry nodded and then turned to Remus, expression turning cool.

"Remus."

"Hello, Harry," the werewolf greeted softly as disappointment swooped through him. If the other wizard's body language had been any stiffer, Remus would've thought someone had bodybinded him.

"Would you like a drink?"

"A butterbeer would be nice, though a non-alcoholic one if that's all right."

Harry nodded again and turned silently to the fridge, ignoring Molly's pursed lips and the glare coming from both Ginny and Hermione. Remus shuffled anxiously as the tension in the air grew. Being at odds with Harry wasn't helping the ache in his chest all that much.

"Thank you," he murmured when the other wizard handed him his drink, his green gaze indifferent, as if he was being polite to a stranger. Remus swallowed and tried to discreetly inch towards the door. At least if he was out with the other guests, he could find a corner to sit in and wait until it was acceptable for him to head back to the school.

_Sirius is out there._

Remus groaned internally. A Time Turner would be brilliant right about now.

"So, Remus, how are your preparations for the new school year coming?" Ginny asked brightly as she added a couple of shakes of some type of spice to the pot Molly had gone back to stirring. "Looking forward to teaching again?"

"It should be interesting," the werewolf answered with a small smile. "I enjoyed it last time. However, I do hope that there won't be as much drama this time. A calm, steady year would be very preferable."

"Personally, I liked the drama of my third year, as it brought me my godfather. Family and sticking together are important, don't you think, Remus?"

The question sounded offhand, but as the older wizard turned to Harry, who was still concentrating on the carrots and celery, the taut set of his shoulders told him that it was far from absent. Remus grimaced.

"Very important," he agreed quietly.

"Hmm. Well, opinions change it seems. If you'll excuse me, I'll go put these on the table."

He picked up the plate of vegetables and walked passed Hermione and Remus without another word. Remus sighed as the door swung shut behind him. If there'd been any doubt that Harry was Lily's son, that little display would've dispelled it. Lily Evans had been famous for the size and length of the grudges she held, and it seemed as if Harry had inherited that ability.

"Would someone like to tell me what that was all about? Why is Harry being so rude?"

Remus grimaced again at Molly's question. The matriarch was standing facing them with her hands on her hips.

"Because he's a right royal git," Ginny replied with a growl, her glaring gaze on the door her boyfriend had just left through.

"In his mind, it's completely justified," Remus murmured softly, hand rubbing his chest where the ache was intensifying as he placed his untouched butterbeer on the counter. "He doesn't want me here. Perhaps I should go."

Ginny's gaze swung quickly to him. "Don't you even _think_ about giving in to him, Remus Lupin," she snapped, pointing a finger at him and making both Molly and Hermione grin briefly. "This is _my_ home, _my_ party, and _I_ invited you here. You're _not_ going to run away."

"Yes, I think that staying a _talking_ to Harry is the best solution," Hermione piped up with a very pointed look, her arms folded across her chest. Remus met her gaze.

"Not tonight," he said firmly, shaking his head when Hermione frowned and opened her mouth to protest. "As Ginny said, this is a party. I'll talk to him if he'll let me, but not tonight. Now, I think the point of you dragging me here was to mingle, was it not? How about I go do that, unless you want me to stay and help, Ginny?"

"No, with Mum and now Hermione helping-"

"Me, help? I thought you wanted this night to be a success?"

"-we should be fine," Ginny answered, ignoring the protest from her bushy-haired friend. "Go talk to people, Remus. Dinner shouldn't be too much longer."

The werewolf nodded and turned to the door, anxiety building in his chest. Though he'd suggested it, mingling was the last thing he wanted to do. Knowing who was out there was making his heart run exceedingly fast.

Then again, he hadn't caught his scent when he'd stepped out of the floo… he turned back with his hand on the doorknob.

"Is, ah, is Sirius here?"

All three women turned to him at his question, but it was Molly who answered.

"Not yet, though he did say he was coming. Harry wouldn't take no for an answer."

Her gaze was shrewd as she looked at him, falling back on years of raising sons and catching every little nuance of expression that crossed his face. Remus held back a grimace as relief bubbled in his stomach. Sirius wasn't there yet. That was… he didn't know what it was. Somehow, however, the werewolf had an inkling that once he did show up, Molly wouldn't stay in the dark for long, especially considering that Remus wouldn't be staying long after Sirius arrived.

He just… he couldn't. He just couldn't.

Going by the look Ginny and Hermione were exchanging, maybe Molly wouldn't have to wait until Sirius arrived to find out what was going on.

"All right, then," Remus murmured, before smiling weakly and leaving the kitchen. Once the door had shut, he sighed and leaned back against the wall for a moment, eyes closing as he allowed the shadows to conceal him from the other guests. Maybe he _should_ get it all out into the open. The confusion and the questions were alarmingly tiring, and Remus was tired enough. Besides, everyone would find out eventually. It hadn't only been muggles that Sirius had… had spent time with.

Resignation flooding him, Remus opened his eyes, stepped away from the wall, and, with his mind on things he really didn't want to think about, proceeded to walk right into someone.

The collision wasn't that hard, but the other man stumbled backwards anyway. His legs seemed to give out on him, and Remus reached out to catch him instinctively.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I didn't see you- Severus?"

"Maybe you didn't see me, Lupin, because you were clearly not watching where you were going," Severus Snape drawled dryly. He stepped back the instant Remus helped him to his feet, brushing and straightening his robes until the wrinkles from the collision had disappeared.

"No, I was," Remus protested, before grimacing and shrugging when a black brow arched in disbelief. "All right, maybe I wasn't. My mind was on other things. I am sorry, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," the Death Eater turned spy answered, tone cool. "If you'll excuse me-"

"No, wait, what are you doing here?" Remus quickly asked, interrupting the obvious attempt Snape was making to leave. Severus knew nothing about him and Sirius, he'd spent nearly a year in St. Mungo's after Nagini had bitten him, and then a year after that in some faraway destination, escaping the backlash of the war and continuing to heal. He was safe to talk to. There wouldn't be any awkward questions about Sirius because Snape hated the Animagus, and Remus was pretty positive he didn't think too highly of _him_ either.

Yes, Severus was just the right person to help him get through the evening, even if he didn't know he was doing it.

"I was invited," the Slytherin answered, tone still just as cool, though there was a hint of curiosity under it. "Potter said that if I didn't come, he'd make sure Minerva gave me all first year students this year. I didn't have a choice."

"You're going to be teaching this year?" Remus asked in surprise. "So am I. Why haven't I seen you at the school?"

A sneer suddenly pulled at Snape's mouth, his eyes going artic. "That _mutt's _going to be at Hogwarts again? Perhaps I should reconsider my position."

"Oh, don't worry about that, Professor, Remus and Sirius aren't together anymore. Remus made sure of that."

The decidedly chilly voice had the werewolf closing his eyes briefly, shoulders slumping, before he turned to see Harry regarding him with a remote expression. Yessiree, _very _much like his mother.

"You know it's not that simple, Harry," he said quietly. Anger flashed across the Chosen One's face for a moment before it closed down again.

"Yes, well it has nothing to do with me, does it? Nothing at all. Would you like another drink?"

Remus's breath hitched a touch as the ache flared in his chest. Bloody hell, the frosty politeness was going to be the death of him.

"No thank you, my other one's still in the kitchen if I want it."

Harry nodded and turned to Severus, who was watching the interaction with mild curiosity in his dark eyes. "What about you, Professor?"

"I'm fine, Mr Potter."

"All right," Harry said, still looking at his old Potions professor. "Please mingle and try to enjoy yourself. Dinner will be on the table soon."

With that, he turned and headed for the kitchen, leaving a frustrated and upset Remus behind him. How was he supposed to explain if Harry wouldn't even talk to him?

"I see things have changed in my absence."

Remus turned to the other wizard, trying to smile but failing abysmally. "Yes. Ah, yes they have. If you'll excuse me, Severus, I believe I need a breath of fresh air."

He walked past the other man and headed for the front door, speeding up as the walls began to feel like they were closing in around him. Anxiety was clawing at his chest, making him gulp down the cool evening air as he stepped out into the front yard, the leaves of the elm growing at the side of the path brushing at the top of his head. He dragged in the oxygen, one big breath after another, but it didn't do anything to calm his pounding heart and racing mind. After a few panicky moments, he realized that there might be one thing that would.

An urge Remus hadn't felt in eons swept over him and without giving it a thought, he quickly reached up, snapped a twig off the tree, drew his wand and transfigured it into a cigarette, then lit it with a murmured "_Incendio" _and took a deep drag. The smoke rapidly invaded his lungs, the hated fumes making his head spin as he coughed and spluttered, but after a few more puffs, he had the hang of it again. He sighed as he felt his shaking nerves calm and settle. This was the reason why he'd smoked for so long, even though he'd loathed the habit. It never failed to calm him down, and by the time the fag was half gone, it was as if Remus had never stopped.

"You haven't smoked in twenty years."

The lung-rot he was breathing in must have affected his senses, because Remus didn't even realize he wasn't alone until the person spoke. Head snapping around, he squinted into the darkness, swallowing as a figure emerged, as well known to him as the voice had been. Sirius stood before him, an unsure expression in his exhausted grey eyes. That now familiar ache bloomed once again in Remus's chest, flaring brightly as a timid smile pulled at the mouth of the man he'd thought he'd be spending the rest of his days with. Remus frowned in aggravation at the unwanted emotion. He didn't want to see Sirius, not now, not right after Harry had treated him like a stranger.

"How would you know? You weren't around for most of it."

Immediately, guilt surged forth, dampening the ache for a moment as Sirius's mouth twisted into an injured grimace and his eyes dropped. Remus closed his eyes and cursed under his breath. That had been cruel, and that was one thing the werewolf has trying his hardest to avoid becoming.

"I apologize, that was uncalled for," he sighed, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"It's true nonetheless, though, isn't it?" Sirius murmured, looking back up at him. "I wasn't there for a long time, and I only have myself to blame for that. Just like I do now."

Remus tensed, hand falling as he felt a wall come up, his gaze shifting to contemplate the darkness as he took another drag. "I don't want to talk about that. You really should go in. They're expecting you."

Sirius watched him closely for a moment, then sighed and nodded silently, moving passed the other man. Remus deliberately kept his eyes on the hidden horizon, concentrating on finishing his fag instead of the fact that his chest was burning with more than the searing sting of the cigarette in his hand. He swallowed heavily again and absently pressed his knuckles into that sting.

"Moony?"

The flare of the cigarette dying for a brief second was the only indication that the werewolf had heard the sound of his name being spoken so hesitantly.

"You only used to do that when you could no longer handle your anxiety. You're not restarting a habit you despised because of me, are you?"

_Of course I am, you arse._ Remus grimaced as he shut that errant thought down in a hurry and said the complete opposite, letting out a low laugh that sounded hollow even to his own ears.

"Funnily enough, Sirius, not everything revolves around you. Please go inside now."

There was a beat of silence, and then the Animagus spoke again, proving that his once best mate couldn't lie to Sirius any better than Sirius could lie to the him.

"I'm sorry, Remus."

_When are you ever not?_ Remus thought bitterly as he drew on the smoke, shoulders sagging when the door behind him opened and then quietly closed, leaving him alone.

~0~

Remus stayed outside for the length of two transfigured cigarettes, and by the time he got to the butt of the second one, his head was well and truly reeling. After two decades of not touching the horrible things, two in a row wasn't sitting right with him, but at least his mind was blank. He felt steady enough to go back in and face a still-frosty Harry, and now a cheating ex as well. He'd have to pick up some real ones if they continued to work this well. Cheating as he had wasn't exactly honest, was it? Smiling with zero humour, he took a final puff and then Vanished the butt. The feeling probably wouldn't last – no, it _definitely_ wouldn't last – but he was good at the moment, and with that thought he turned towards the door, only to stop when he saw the dark shadow waiting there already.

"Miss Granger sent me out here to let you know that dinner was ready."

Snape's apathetic drawl floated across to him, though there was something in his tone that said that maybe he wasn't quite as indifferent as he was trying to come across as. For some reason, the situation between Harry, Remus and Sirius seemed to have caught his interest, but Remus was just too tired to put much effort into figuring out why. He was probably just containing his glee over the fact that his rivals weren't as happy as he'd thought.

Remus grimaced and nodded before realizing that the other wizard most likely couldn't see the movement. "All right."

Snape watched him as he approached, those dark eyes half-hidden by the unexpectedly clean raven hair hanging over his face. "You smoke?"

"When I have to," Remus answered simply, a little surprised that Snape even knew what a smoke was_. _But then he would, wouldn't he? He was a half-blood after all. Mentally shrugging and putting the unimportant thought aside, he opened the door and stepped into a much quieter house, the sound of cutlery scraping across plates the most prominent sound. The dining room table had been enlarged significantly to accommodate the thirty or so guests, and Remus took a seat at the opposite end to Sirius, smiling fleetingly at Hermione and Ginny as Severus took the seat next to him.

"What the fuck is _he_ doing here?"

The voice cut through the murmur of conversation, and Remus felt Snape stiffen beside him.

"I invited him, Sirius," Harry answered calmly, the room still quiet after the Animagus's question.

"You _invited _him? Why the bloody hell would you do that? He's a fucking _Death Eater _and-"

"Sirius, enough."

The admonishment was out of Remus's mouth before he even knew he was going to say it, his face fixed in a scowl, and it wasn't until his ex abruptly shut up, his gaze dropping to his food, that Remus realized exactly how hard it was to break old habits. He scowled further and looked away, though not before he caught the glower on Harry's face. Thankfully, the younger wizard chose not to comment, and slowly, the conversation picked up again.

"You do realize that I don't need you to defend me."

Remus glanced to his right. "I do. Doesn't mean I still won't. You were a spy, Severus, who very nearly gave his life for our cause. You don't deserve to be treated like a pariah."

Snape didn't answer, just held his gaze for a long moment before turning silently back to his food. The werewolf pursed his lips and did the same.

It was an awkward dinner, to say the least. Remus barely looked up, only engaging in conversation when Hermione, who was on the other side of him, or the twins, who were across from him, didn't give him a choice. Remus found himself glad that Teddy had woken up with a cold that morning, meaning that he and Dora weren't able to come. He didn't even want to imagine the questions his son would have after he'd had to sit through the tension-filled dinner.

Next to him, Snape didn't say a word through the entire meal, the tense set of his shoulders never lessening. He was out of his chair the minute dessert was cleared.

"I must go. I'll see you at school, Lupin."

Remus didn't get a chance to reply, as, with a somewhat impassive nod to his hosts, Snape was over at the floo and gone in a flash of green flames. Taking this as a cue that he could take his own leave, he also got to his feet.

"Already, Remus? We just finished dinner!" Hermione scolded gently. Remus shook his head as he tried his best to ignore the grey gaze locked on him from across the room, as it had been for the whole meal.

"I said I'd stay through dinner, and I did. I've got work to do, Hermione."

The excuse was still pretty weak, but with a quick glance across the table at the man who wouldn't look away from the werewolf, Hermione let out a sigh.

"Fine. Don't forget to say goodbye to Harry and Ginny," she said, sounding very much like a mother teaching her child manners. Remus found himself smiling slightly at the tone.

"I won't," he said, his own tone all but tacking the word 'mum' on the end, and Hermione grinned at him and shrugged. He let out a chuckle, the soft sound making that grey gaze sharpen as its owner slowly rose to his feet, and then Remus turned to the kitchen where both Harry and Ginny had disappeared with laden hands a few minutes beforehand.

"Remus, hey, you're not thinking of helping, are you?" Ginny questioned with a surprised look when she glanced up and found him standing in the doorway. "Go sit back down, you're a guest here and guests don't help clean up."

"I would love to, Ginny, but I unfortunately can't stay any longer," Remus answered, his eyes on the tense back of her boyfriend as Harry stood at the sink and filled it with water. "I've still so much work to do, and I really must get back to it."

Ginny didn't say anything for a minute or two, but the way her lips folded downwards told everyone exactly what she was thinking as she to, stared at Harry's back. "All right, then. You come back soon, though, and expect to make plenty of trips to Hogsmeade. There's a teashop there that's divine, and now I have an excuse to go whenever I want."

"I will," Remus promised as he willed Harry to turn, to look at him with welcome in his eyes.

The boy didn't move.

The werewolf sighed, hurt sitting like a stone in his chest. Still, he wasn't going to let him get away without a farewell. Lily would've had his guts for garters if she knew Remus had allowed her son to be so rude.

"Thank you for the invite, Harry. I'll see you soon?"

The hands in the sink paused momentarily before resuming their movements. "I didn't invite you, Remus. And I'm particularly busy at work at the moment, but do have a good year."

"_Harry!_"

"Ginny, it's okay, he's busy, I'll just-"

"No, it's bloody _not_ okay! What the hell was that?"

Remus stiffened in the doorway as that spicy/tangy aroma washed over him, like limonene and cinnamon sticks, and Harry spun from the sink with a look of shock.

"Sirius! You should still be at the table! Go sit back down, we'll be out soon-"

"Stop avoiding the subject!" Sirius barked, grey gaze hard as he fixed Harry with a penetrating stare. "Why the hell were you speaking to Remus as if he's something you scraped off the bottom of your shoe?"

"Sirius, leave it alone, it's fine-"

"It's _not_ fine, Moony!" the other man snapped. "He can't talk to you like that! It wasn't just me that had you smoking, was it? How long has he been treating you this way? For fuck's sake, James and Lily would be turning over in their graves!"

Harry flinched violently at the mention of his parents, confusion twisting his features as he shifted on the spot and looked down.

"But, Sirius, he… he broke his promise to you."

"What?" his godfather asked, ardour cooling as his brows drew down in bewilderment. "What are you talking about?"

"No, don't-"

"He broke his promise to you," the Chosen One repeated, ploughing right over Remus's protests. The werewolf let out a soft groan, moved over and sank wearily into a chair by the table. Yes, he'd decided to tell Harry what had happened, to get it all out in the open, but not like _this._ "When you left here last week, you said Remus had thrown your relationship away, that he'd given up on you and chucked you out in the cold without even trying to sort it out. You told me he'd promised to always be by your side, no matter what. He's broken that promise like it meant nothing to him and he won't even tell me why! I don't want him around if he can treat you so callously."

Sirius blinked a couple of times, his gaze switching from Harry, who was glaring at Remus, to Remus, who was sitting hunched over the table and stubbornly keeping his mouth shut. Still blinking, his eyes widened as something seemed to click into place, and then his expression suddenly turned harsh.

"Yes, he did do that, but you really want to know why, Harry? Because _I'm_ the callous one, not him. He had nothing to do with it. _I'm_ the one who went out and shagged someone else, _I'm_ the one who's done it more times than he can count, and _I'm_ the one who went out the night he stayed over here, brought some bimbo home to _our_ house, and then proceeded to fuck her in _our_ bed! _I'm_ the arsehole here, and Remus has every right to give up on me. Fuck, I'm surprised he didn't do it sooner! Merlin knows I've given him enough bloody reasons!"

The house went abruptly and completely silent, Sirius's ringing voice halting all conversation from the still-occupied dining room. Pain roared through Remus's chest as both Harry and Ginny's jaws dropped and Sirius's gaze shot towards the other room at the sudden absence of sound, wincing as he realized exactly what he'd just told a room more full of strangers than friends. He gaze quickly snapped back around when Remus got to his feet.

"Fuck, Moony, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"_Stop_ saying you're sorry!" Remus snarled, before the anger abruptly left him, leaving him strangely hollow. He lifted a shaking hand and ran it through his hair as the walls began to close in on him again. Sweet Merlin, he was tired. So very tired, and old, and weary, and over it all, and he just, he just…

He just had to get out of there.

"I'm sorry, I need to go."

"Remus, wait!"

The werewolf ignored Harry's shout, turning on the spot and disappearing with a sharp _crack_. He made a quick detour on the way back to Scotland, stopping in some muggle town and striding into a corner store as he fished out the pounds he always kept hidden in his wallet in case of an emergency. Hurriedly snatching up the pack and the all-important lighter, he scrambled to open it, finally managing after a few choice curses. With a toss of his hand the money hit the counter, and Remus headed for the exit, lighting the cigarette and taking a drag before he'd even left the store.

Now was definitely an emergency.

* * *

><p><strong>AN - Wolfstar, people. Keep this in mind, yes? Wolfstar. ;) Let me know what you think!**


	10. Experiencing

**Precious**

Disclaimer: I don't. Nope, nope, sure don't.

**Chapter Ten – Experiencing**

_Remus headed for the exit, lighting the cigarette and taking a drag before he'd even left the store. Now was definitely an emergency. _

* * *

><p>Remus spent the week in a very similar manner to the one before. The British wizarding world was very small in comparison to the muggle, and the people that had played major parts in the war against Voldermort were very well known. He knew that by now, what Sirius had shouted to a room packed with guests had to have been spread far and wide. Everyone and their dog would know about his and Sirius's crumbled relationship, and the curiosity and nosiness was the last thing Remus wanted to deal with.<p>

_Your friends have more tact then that, Remus Lupin, and you know that they'll never turn their backs on you. No matter what. You need to stop hiding and get out and face this. Shutting yourself away is just making the gossip worse._

He sighed as he wrote the last sentence of the document he was working on, the burning from the candle sitting on the desk next to him the only source of light in his gloomy quarters. He knew that. He did. Lily didn't need to tell him, just as she hadn't needed to tell him all those years ago when his sexuality had been revealed in the worst possible way in third year. He'd only realized that he liked boys instead of girls the summer before, and he'd been tentatively curious about what that had entailed. The magazines one very nasty Slytherin had found hidden under Remus's mattress – and what a stupid, clichéd hiding place _that_ had been – when he'd somehow snuck into the Gryffindor dorm, had been a way of indulging that curiosity in a safe and secretive manner.

That secret hadn't stayed secret for long.

Apart from attending classes, Remus hadn't come out of his dorm for a week. He'd been humiliated, embarrassed and ashamed, and frankly shocked at the horrible, hurtful comments that had come from some of his schoolmates. He hadn't talked to anyone, no matter how hard Sirius, James and Peter had tried. He'd just sat in his dorm wallowing in self-pity, until one very determined redhead had finally decided that enough was enough.

Lily Evans was a force to be reckoned with when she wanted to be.

He'd emerged from his dorm later that evening with Lily behind him, a sheepish, apologetic expression on his face when James and Sirius had scowled at him. Their annoyance hadn't lasted long, though, not with Remus. The Slytherin, on the other hand, had not had a very good year at _all. _After that Remus had faced the gossip with his head held high, knowing that he had his friend's unconditional support. It had been easier, actually, everyone knowing.

Being publically out seemed to give others the courage to approach when they wouldn't have before. The confidence boost was very welcome, and by fourth year, Remus finally had enough confidence to say yes to an offer. The year had ended with him having his very first boyfriend. It hadn't lasted long, public pressure on the other boy had been too much for the initially eager Ravenclaw to handle, not to mention the fact that Remus had had to keep a pretty big secret from him. But it had been rather freeing while it lasted.

Now, as Remus picked up the paper and put it in the growing pile next to him to dry, he wondered if maybe he should be listening to Lily this time as well. She knew what she was talking about, Lily did. The girl had always been his confidant when it came to matters of the heart, and somehow that hadn't stopped after her death. He sighed as he stared at the flame before leaning back in the chair to stretch the cramped muscles in his legs.

Merlin, he missed her. He missed James as well, so much at times that he almost couldn't breathe through it, but Lily had always been there for him in times of heartache. Sirius and James were best mates. They were two peas in a pod, as close as two friends could get. Remus had never resented that, because he'd always had Lily.

The fact that he didn't have her now, in the time when he needed her the most, was almost as painful as not having Sirius next to him. He'd thought that the years had dulled the hurt and loss, and it was slightly shocking to find out that it could still flare up as bright and burning as it had the first year James and Lily had died.

_Merlin, Lils, what do I do? I can't face it yet. I can't. I can't face Harry either. It's too much._

The thought of the Chosen One made Remus grimace. The owls and floo calls had been constant over the past week. Remus was actually surprised the younger wizard hadn't decided to just turn up. The boy was determined to speak to him, but Remus didn't know whether he wanted to hear him out.

As petty and selfish as it was, Harry had hurt him. A lot. The Auror obviously didn't know the werewolf as well as Remus thought he had, otherwise he never would've accused Remus of acting callous and dumping Sirius for no reason. Harry had jumped straight onto Sirius's side, not even _trying_ to understand why Remus may not have wanted to talk about it, and the hurt that had caused was making Remus reluctant to hear an apology from him.

Add in the pitying looks he got whenever he left his quarters, and it made Remus want to stay right where he was all the more.

_Bloody hell, mate, and I though Padfoot brooded? You're just as bad, if not more!_

_Shut up, James,_ Remus grumbled in his head, reaching for another document. Why the hell did his conscience and common sense have to take on the identities of his two dead friends? It was bloody annoying! They were dead, for Merlin's sake-

His agitated thoughts were abruptly cut off when his hearth flared green and Minerva's head appeared in it. "Remus? Are you here?"

"I am," the werewolf confirmed, getting up from his desk and walking over to the fireplace. "What can I do for you, Headmistress?"

The Scottish witch frowned as her gaze swept the room. "Why is it so dark in here? Never mind, that isn't important. Can I ask a favour? The new Care of Magical Creatures professor is arriving today, and I'm caught up in a Ministry meeting. I'm afraid I won't be back in time to meet him. Would you be able to go to the station and meet him in my stead?"

Remus blinked in surprise. "Can't Filius do that?" he asked, referring to the school's Deputy Headmaster.

"He's here with me," Minerva sighed. "I've already asked both Neville and Hermione, but Neville's caught up in an important project and can't get away, and Hermione's out for the day. The only other person besides you is Severus, and you'd be much more welcoming."

A wry smile tugged at Remus's lips at the Headmistress's dry tone. He hadn't seen Snape much since he'd gotten back from that disastrous dinner, the Potions Master keeping to himself down in the dungeons. That was fine with Remus. He'd been keeping to himself a lot as well.

"I can see that," he answered just as dryly, chuckling when Minerva rolled her eyes, something he'd never thought he witness. "So I'm your last hope?"

"You are," she agreed with a nod. "It won't take long. There and back and you'll be back to your work in no time."

Remus pursed his lips in annoyance. He didn't want to go to Hogsmeade. But he couldn't allow some unknown witch of wizard to arrive at the station and stumble around blindly, especially considering there were still a handful of Death Eaters out there, determined to cause trouble. A number of them the Ministry didn't even know the identity of. Their side hadn't been the only one with spies.

The new professor had to be met, judged and escorted to the castle. It didn't matter that the Headmistress had already conducted an interview and given her approval. A second one needed to be done, in a less formal manner. The children were too precious to risk it on the high chance that the witch or wizard was who they said they were. If the person meeting the new professor found anything wrong, the successful applicant wouldn't be allowed anywhere near the castle. It was a mistake Albus had made time and time again, and it wasn't one they were going to repeat.

Come to think of it, Severus probably would've been the best person to perform the task. Who better to know a spy than a former one?

"All right, I'll go," he answered as his mind turned over. It was a good way to drag the unsocial professor out of the cold, draughty dungeons, and besides, going to the people-filled village with company would be better than going and facing the gossip alone.

It didn't even occur to him that he was acting a lot like Hermione had the week before.

"Who am I looking for?"

He blinked when Minerva's expression turned sly. Something else he'd never thought he'd see.

"Oh, I think you'll know him when you see him. Thank you for this, Remus. The train arrives at two."

With that, she said her goodbyes and disconnected the call, leaving a rather baffled werewolf staring at the empty grate. He'd know him when he saw him? What did _that_ mean?

Shaking his head, he put the thought aside and grabbed a handful of floo powder, calling out when the flames flared up green. He stuck his head in and found himself looking into quarters that were as gloomy, if not more, than his were.

Of course, his were gloomy because it was what his mood was reflecting at the moment. These ones were gloomy 24/7.

"Lupin?"

Remus turned his head to see Snape walking into the room with a frown on his face. He was wearing an old, tattered pair of robes that had seen much better days – reminding Remus of the ones _he'd_ used to wear before Sirius had insisted on buying him new ones – and his hands were covered in heavy gloves. His hair was pulled back and his forehead was shiny. It was clear that Remus had interrupted him.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Severus, I didn't realize you were busy. I'll just leave you to it."

"Lupin, if I was that busy, do you think I would've answered your call?" the Potions Master asked dryly. He stared at Remus's head in the grate with an impassive expression. "Is there something you wanted?"

"There was, actually," Remus replied. "I'm going down to Hogsmeade to meet the new Care of Magical Creatures professor. Do you want to come along?"

The only change to the other wizard's expression was the surprise that flickered in his eyes for a brief moment.

"You want me to come with you to Hogsmeade?" he asked, repeating the words slowly as if he didn't understand them. Remus nodded.

"I do."

"Why?"

"Why not?" the werewolf countered. "You've been stuck down here for the past week. You need to get out, get some fresh air. And anyway, I appreciate your opinion on the newbie."

"I haven't been stuck down here, I've been working," Severus drawled, still watching him. "I've been busy, as I am now."

"Ah, but you just said that if you were that busy, you wouldn't have answered my call. Whatever you're working on can wait for an hour, can't it? Come on, Severus, join me. I could use the company."

The Potions Master didn't answer for a long moment, his expression staying unreadable. Finally, just when Remus thought it might be best to retract the request, he turned back towards the room he'd exited.

"Fine. I'll meet you in the Entrance Hall in fifteen minutes."

Remus opened his mouth to answer, but the man was already gone. He shrugged as he pulled his head from the floo. Severus may be rude, but at least he'd gotten what he wanted.

~0~

Snape took twenty minutes instead of fifteen. Just long enough to make Remus think he'd changed his mind. The werewolf was turning to head out the door when the sound of his name stopped him. He turned back and the greeting died on his lips as he stared in surprise.

Snape was wearing muggle clothing. The light tan slacks, greyish green shirt, dark wool jersey and floor-length black woollen coat weren't any different from what Remus had seen a lot of wizards wear, but on Severus they somehow _looked_ different. Maybe it was because it was the first time Remus had seen him in something other than wizarding robes besides a school uniform.

Or maybe it was because he looked surprisingly _good _in the much more form fitting clothing_._

Remus was incredibly shocked to feel a spurt of attraction skitter down his spine.

_What the fuck…?_

"Something the matter, Lupin? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Remus blinked and pulled himself together, shrugging off the completely unexpected response. It wasn't a big deal, anyway. He'd been attracted to other people before – though that was something he'd made sure Sirius had _never _realized – and he'd never acted on it. Now wasn't any different. He couldn't control an involuntary chemical reaction.

However, it _had_ surprised him the first time it had happened after he and Sirius had become official. The wolf obviously had less control over Remus when he was human than he'd thought.

"You realize that saying that doesn't make sense in our world, don't you?" Remus joked, smiling at the other man. "Seeing a ghost to us isn't all that shocking, after all."

"You understand what I meant," Severus said, eyeing him as they left the school and walked across the grounds. "Does it have anything to do with why you've decided to be friendly to me all of a sudden?"

Remus frowned at him. "I've never been unfriendly to you. Have I?"

"No," Snape answered, gaze on the distant village. "Not directly. You've never asked for my company before, however. I find myself a little perplexed."

Remus's frown deepened as his hands found the pockets of his jacket, fingering the cigarette buried in its depths. Could a friendly overture not be just that? A friendly overture? Did there have to be some deeper meaning in everything?

"This isn't school anymore, Severus," he commented quietly, flicking the man beside him a quick glance. "People do grow up."

"Yes. Most do." Snape replied in a nonchalant tone, making Remus grimace and press his lips together.

Deeper meaning indeed.

"Do you want an apology, then? Will that put the past behind us?"

Severus turned his head to look at him, those dark eyes not giving any clue to what he was thinking.

"You just said that you were never unfriendly to me. Why would you need to apologize?"

"Yes, but I never stopped it, did I? Never stopped either of them. James is beyond apologizing, and Sirius… well, I wouldn't hold your breath. Accept mine, though, and we can move on. Start a new chapter."

He stopped in the middle of the road and held out his hand, ignoring the familiar ache in his chest at talking about his ex. Severus halted as well and the ex-Headmaster slowly dropped his gaze to the appendage in front of him, before just as slowly looking up again. Remus frowned to himself, wishing that the other man wasn't so good at hiding his emotions.

"I don't see the need for apologies or the acceptance of them," he finally drawled, turning back in the direction they'd originally been walking, leaving Remus standing there with his hand still out. "From anyone. We're teachers, we can work together amicably. Just as long as that dog doesn't come along and ruin my peace, we shouldn't have a problem."

Remus stared after him as he continued walking, not sure whether he should be annoyed at the blatant dismissal of the handshake, or curious about if he was talking about himself when he'd dismissed all apologies. He himself hadn't been that pleasant a person in school, and he'd done more than his fair share of things to apologize for – some of them targeting Remus specifically. Maybe he just wanted to ignore all that, let bygones be bygones and get on with life?

It was surprising coming from a man like Snape, but it certainly sounded like a good idea to Remus.

He hurried to catch up with the other wizard. "The kids will be arriving in a week and you're worried about losing your peace? Sirius wouldn't do any worse than they would."

"Ah, yes, but I can put those back-chatting dunderheads in detention," Severus smirked, glancing at Remus. "Your dog would become unpleasant if I tried that with him. Not that he isn't already."

The werewolf snorted softly. "I'll say," he muttered, suddenly finding the horizon very fascinating. He wasn't sure which part of the sentence he was agreeing with. "And he isn't mine. Not anymore."

He felt Snape's attention focus on him fully at that comment, the Potions Master studying him silently for a moment as they approached the outskirts of the village.

"Indeed. In the name of being amicable, I have something I'm working on that requires your involvement. Will you join me in my lab when we finish here?"

Remus frowned at the abrupt change of subject, then cocked his head in question. "My involvement? Why would you need my involvement?"

"I'd rather not talk about it out in the open," Severus said, intriguing Remus more. "But I believe it's something you'll want to be a part of."

"Really? All right, then, you've got my interest."

Severus nodded and they continued their way to the station in a surprisingly comfortable silence. Being only a week before the school year started, the streets were busier than they usually were, and Remus and Severus had to stop a few times when their path was blocked by groups of chattering woman and shrieking kids. And because there were so many people in the village, it wasn't hard to pinpoint the ones who stopped, stared at Remus and then began muttering to the person next to them.

The werewolf couldn't help the way he stiffened at the first smirk and knowing expression.

He should have been used to it, really. Being openly gay _and_ a werewolf brought him a lot of unwanted attention. That didn't mean that it affected him any less, it just got slightly easier to ignore.

This, however, was a little different.

"Miscreants."

The word was sneered, and Remus's head snapped around to send Severus an incredibly startled look.

"What?"

"Just letting their children run around like hooligans while they indulge in ridiculous, idle gossip. It's pathetic."

He was glaring rather maliciously at a group of three jabbering women standing outside the Three Broomsticks, while a handful of children were running around in the street, shouting at the top of their lungs. A rush of surprise and gratitude washed over Remus, his eyebrows reaching his hairline as he stared.

_Hold on. How exactly would he know about Sirius's little tell-all at the dinner party? He's spent more time locked away this past week then I have._

Gaze sharpening on his companion, Remus shook his head as he realized that Snape wasn't acting out of character and defending him. The Potions Master was holding himself stiffly, back ramrod straight, nose in the air, a very clear I-don't-care-what-you-think-about-me expression on his face.

Severus thought they were talking about him.

A wry, almost hopeless sort of amusement trickled through Remus. As much as he liked to think that he was the only person suffering, Snape's actions were a reminder that he wasn't. A break-up was tiny in comparison to what the ex-Death Eater was dealing with. What right did he have to wallow in grief when Severus was facing anger, prejudice and oftentimes hate from a large portion of the wizarding population?

Thinking of it that way, hiding in his quarters for the last week made Remus feel small.

"Don't worry about it," he murmured softly, glancing at the women and meeting their tittering looks head on, a humourless smile tugging at his lips when they looked down very quickly. "You're not the one under the microscope."

Severus sent him a sharp look at that comment, but Remus just shook his head again, making the other man's expression sharpen further, quickly turning contemplative. They moved through the busy streets without another word and were soon at the train station.

"Who are we supposed to be meeting?" Snape asked. Remus grimaced.

"Minerva didn't actually give me a name. She just said that I'd know him when I saw him." He sent his companion a weak grin when he snorted.

"Helpful."

"Yes, well, it must be someone we know," Remus said, turning to search the area, "otherwise she wouldn't have been so… ah. Well, she was right. We do know him."

Snape raised a brow and the werewolf pointed over his shoulder, a smile on his face. Another sneer appeared immediately when the Slytherin looked in the direction he was pointing.

"Great. Just when I thought I was done with that redheaded bunch of idiots."

"Remus!" Charlie Weasley called, wearing a large smile as he hurried towards them, his trunk trailing along on rickety wheels behind him. "I didn't know you were meeting me. Where's McGonagall?"

"Stuck at the Ministry," Remus answered, grinning internally. He liked the second eldest Weasley son. He wasn't as quietly mature as Bill, was no way near as stuffy as Percy, but he also wasn't as irresponsible as the twins or as thoughtless as Ron could be. He was the best mixture of all of his brothers, and after getting to know him during the end of the war and the clean-up afterwards, Remus and Sirius had spent a very enjoyable two weeks at the Dragon Reserve the year before with Charlie as their host.

At least he didn't have to worry about the newbie being a spy anymore. The Weasleys were diehard Light supporters, no ifs, buts or maybes.

"So I get you to show me a school that I already know like the back of my hand?" the redhead asked with a grin. Remus rolled his eyes in reply, then nodded at the silent man next to him.

"And Severus. Two for the price of one."

Charlie's friendly smile dimmed to professional as he turned to Snape. "Yes, of course. Professor Snape, it's good to see you again."

"Quite," Severus replied coolly, turning his back on his two companions. "Are we done here? All of us have work to complete before the school year starts."

"Lead the way," Remus said, unable to help feeling amused at his fellow teacher's rudeness. He stepped back and waved his arm out in front of him. Snape raised a haughty brow in answer, and then swept back along the path, heading back into the village as if his school robes were billowing behind him.

"He hasn't changed," Charlie said as he picked up the handle of his trunk and they began to follow the other wizard. Remus pursed his lips in thought.

"You'd be surprised. So, first time teaching. How are you feeling? Nervous?"

"A little," the redhead answered sheepishly. "To be honest, I'm more nervous at filling the hole Hagrid left behind. It's a mighty big one, no pun intended."

Remus nodded his head in agreement, sending the younger man a small smile of reassurance. He'd been shocked when Harry had told him and Sirius that Hagrid had come to him at the end of the previous school year and told him that he was moving to France. Hogwarts and Rubeus Hagrid were like roast beef and yorkshire pudding – one wasn't the same without the other. Harry had gone on to say that the half-giant had told him, blubbering as he did so, that though he'd miss the place that had been his home for a large chunk of his life, he'd decided that love was more important. Having nearly lost Olympe twice before, once in the war and once to his own stubbornness, Hagrid had finally made a solid choice.

France and Beauxbaton's Headmistress, Madame Maxime, were his pick. Remus didn't blame him.

_We all need someone, even if that someone eventually turns out to be the worst person possible…_

His chest burning again, Remus focused back on the younger man next to him.

"He was a good teacher – or at least, according to Harry, he got better at it anyway – but you'll be just as good. Who wouldn't want to learn from someone who spent the last ten years working with dragons?"

Charlie took a deep breath and sent Remus a rather weak smile. "Yeah, hopefully-"

"Dad!"

Head turning in the direction of the shout, a smile broke across Remus's face when he saw a head of tiger-striped hair running towards him. Teddy's face was bright with happiness, a sentiment contagious to anyone who interacted with him as he weaved his way through the thinning crowd.

"Dad, hey! Did you come to see me? You should see the shop, you haven't seen it yet-"

"Edward Lupin!"

The name stopped the boy dead, a wince replacing his grin. Remus felt a flutter of sympathy and amusement. The number of times his own mother had used his full name when he was a child was uncountable.

"Teddy, did I not tell you not to leave my side?" a fuming Nymphadora Tonks asked as she approached them, her scowling gaze focused entirely on her son. Teddy shifted his feet guiltily.

"But Mum, Dad's here, and-"

"No excuses, Edward. You can't go running off like that, no matter who you might see! There's no telling what could happen!"

"She's right, Ted," Remus agreed firmly, sending his son a pointed look. Teddy squirmed under it and then sighed.

"Sorry, Mum," he muttered, staring at the ground. "It won't happen again."

_I doubt that,_ Remus thought, exchanging a disbelieving look with Dora. But he did look contrite, so maybe he'd listen for a short while.

"Good," Dora replied, relaxing as she moved closer and ruffled her son's hair, her own flashing tiger-striped to show that she'd forgiving him for scaring her. Teddy grinned at the display, then looked eagerly at the other, silent members of the group. Seeing Severus standing a few meters away with his arms folded and a scowling, impatient expression on his face, he turned to the friendlier unknown.

"Hi, I'm Teddy! Who are you?"

Charlie grinned widely at the question and Teddy's mother began to pay attention to something other than her son. Her eyes widened and her hair flashed pink when she saw the redhead standing next to Remus.

"Charlie!"

"Hello, Nymph," the wizard grinned, stepping forward to wrap the woman up in a hug. He grunted in pain before letting out a breathless laugh, stepping back and rubbing his stomach. "I see you haven't changed. You've still got elbows like knives."

"Well, if you didn't insist on calling me that hideous _name_, I wouldn't need to use them, would I?" she countered primly, throwing him a glare. Charlie's smile only widened.

"Aww, come on, Nymphy, you know you love it," he chuckled, cocking his head and giving her a very slow, very distinctive once-over. "Brings back lots of memories, it does."

Remus blinked in surprise as he watched his son's mother flush a deep, brilliant red, before flicking a quick look at Teddy, who was watching the exchange with rampant curiosity. She scowled once more.

"Shut up, doofus," she muttered, making the wizard laugh again. He winked at the woman and then crouched down at Teddy's height.

"Hello, Teddy. My name's Charlie Weasley and I went to school with your mum. We're old friends."

_Sounds like you were a little more than friends,_ Remus thought as he watched the two with interest. _Well, well. Isn't this intriguing?_

"I'm going to be teaching at the school with your dad."

"You are?" Dora blurted in surprise. Charlie stood up and nodded, grinning at her again.

"I am. And since I heard that you're living here now, I'll get to see you whenever I want, Nymphy dear."

Scowl returning rapidly, Dora sniffed and turned away from the group, taking Teddy's hand in the process. "Great, I look forward to it," she muttered darkly, glaring back over her shoulder. Charlie chuckled and threw her another wink, which led to an indignant huff from the Metamorphmagus.

"My break's nearly over, I've got to get back. Remus, you'll come over for dinner tonight. I'll see you at six."

"Uh… okay?" Remus replied with a frown. That hadn't even been a question.

Dora nodded. "Good," she said, throwing another glare at the still-grinning redhead. "Tonight, then."

She tugged on Teddy's hand and walked away, the boy running to keep up with her. "See you tonight, Dad!"

"Bye!" Remus called. He turned to Charlie when he let out a quiet laugh and raised a brow. "You seem a lot more familiar with Dora than I first thought."

There must have been something in his tone, Remus wasn't sure, because when Charlie turned to him, his expression was just slightly wary.

"Yeah. Ah, yeah. We were… really good friends in school. _Really_ good friends, if you get my meaning."

_Loud and clear, kid._

The werewolf held up his hands. "Hey, I don't mean anything by it. Dora and I were never together and we never will be. We're friends and parents to our son, nothing more. What happened between you and her, in both the past _and_ what might happen the future, isn't any of my business, unless it impacts Teddy negatively. It just surprised me, that's all."

Charlie blew out the breath he'd been holding and then glanced in the direction Dora and Teddy had left in. "So, if I ever decided to throw my hand in there, you wouldn't have a problem with it?"

"No," Remus answered with a shake of his head. "To be honest, you'd be a lot better than some of the men she's seen in the past. Just as long as you don't end up hurting her. Dora deserves better than that."

The redhead nodded slowly, still staring after a woman who'd long disappeared, expression speculative. "I'll keep that in mind."

"Now that such _important_ pleasantries are over, can we please get going?" a deep voice drawled in a heavily sarcastic tone. Both men turned to see Snape glowering at them with his hands folded over his chest. Remus grimaced.

"Yes, of course, sorry, Severus," he answered, heading over to him with Charlie following. "Let's go."

~0~

The walk back to the castle was relatively silent on Snape's part, though he did answer when asked a direct question. Remus and Charlie chatted, the only awkward moment occurring when Charlie asked if Sirius was staying at the school as well.

"No. We aren't together anymore."

"What? Umm… oh. Shit, I'm sorry, Remus. What happened?"

"I'd rather not talk about it, if that's all right," Remus answered quietly, chest burning steadily as he as noted the way Snape's gaze sharpened on his face at Charlie's question. It seemed as if Severus was curious about the answer as well. Well, with the faculty as gossipy as the rest of the wizarding community, they'd both find out soon enough.

"Sure, mate, that's fine. Sooo… moving right along, then. Any students coming in this year that I should be warned about?"

Remus shook his head in answer and they continued into the school talking about the upcoming school year. They met Filch and surprisingly, Neville, in the Entrance Hall. The Herbology professor smiled in welcome at their new staff member.

"Hello, Charlie, I heard you were joining us this year. It's good to see you again."

"And you, Neville," the redhead answered, having met the then boy during the Triwizard Tournament. "Have you decided to join my welcome wagon?"

"No, actually, ah, I need to speak to Professor Snape," the other man answered, turning hesitantly to the wizard he still found intimidating, even after becoming a respected leader and losing many of his fears during his first seventh year of school. "I need your assistance with something, Professor, if your aren't busy?"

Severus scowled, the expression instinctively making Neville take a step back, before he took a deep breath and straightened his spine determinedly. Remus was positive the younger man didn't see the hint of respect spark in Severus's eyes at the movement.

"Fine, Mr Longbottom. I take it you need me this instant?"

"If you can spare the time, Professor," Neville replied quietly, meeting his eyes. "It's important."

"I can wait for you in your lab, Severus," Remus offered. The Slytherin frowned and then reluctantly inclined his head.

"Don't touch anything," he ordered before turning to Neville, missing the way Remus rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Let's get this over and done with, Longbottom, I haven't got all day."

Neville nodded, told both Remus and Charlie that he'd talk to them at dinner, and then scurried back out the door with Snape following behind him. Remus turned to the redhead and nodded at the impatient caretaker.

"Mr Filch will take you to your quarters. I'll see you at dinner?"

"Sure, Remus, see you then," Charlie answered cheerfully, picking up his trunk and following along behind the bitter old man currently shuffling towards the staircase. Remus watched him leave and then turned in the opposite direction, heading down to the dungeons to await Severus and find out what he wanted him involved in.

He'd just walked down the stairs that led to the dungeons, still above both the Slytherin common room and the Potions labs, when a rather peculiar, unfamiliar scent stopped him in his tracks. It was sharp and rich, spicy and thick, dark, hot, and delicious, and without thinking, Remus turned in the direction it was wafting from. A small part of him acknowledged that the door he pushed open was the one that led to Snape's quarters, but he didn't even think about invading the Potion Master's privacy. All he was thinking about was that wonderful, wonderful scent.

What _was_ that?

He walked rapidly over to the door at the far end of the room, opening it to find a bedroom. The scent was coming from what looked to be a personal potions kit sitting on the end of the bed. It ripened the closer he got to the kit, the scent making Remus's head spin and saliva pool in his mouth. He reached for the lid and flipped it open, reaching in to draw out a clear, plastic bag with some sort of silvery purple plant inside. The scent intensified further on sight, making Remus's heart pound heavily. His hands were shaking as he ripped the bag open greedily and brought it to his nose.

He _needed_ whatever that plant was.

"Lupin, _stop!"_

The warning came too late. Remus buried his face in the bag and took a deep, drawn-out breath in.


	11. Seeing

**Precious**

Disclaimer: Jo owns Harry Potter. I'm just changing things as I see fit.

**Chapter Eleven – Seeing**

_The warning came too late. Remus buried his face in the bag and took a deep, drawn-out breath in._

* * *

><p>"Stupid wolf. What the hell are you thinking?"<p>

The dark, slightly exasperated mutter did nothing to stop Remus from breathing in the aroma pumping off the strange plant. It was intoxicating, that scent. It went straight to his head, winding and slinking through his brain, making his ability to think all but redundant.

This should have been a warning to the werewolf. It should have made him pull his face from the bag and step back as quickly as he could. Instead, all he did was breath deeper.

The aroma – the _fumes – _grew in intensity the more he breathed them in, and Remus fought down the urge to clear his throat as a film of something coated the back of it, drifted down into his blood and made his body feel both numb and truly alive, all at the same time. The outside world blurred, then abruptly tilted on its axis, making him groan as a wave of dizziness threw his centre of balance off. He felt himself lean heavily to the side, but didn't pull his face from the bag to try to stop his fall.

Drawing in another deep, lengthy inhale was his only reaction.

He would've ended up on the floor quite happily, head still buried in the bag, if an arm hadn't suddenly snaked around his waist, halting his wayward leaning. Remus didn't acknowledge his saviour at all, too caught up in the plant.

That is until the plant was no longer in his hands.

His head snapped up, his vision wobbling and dancing until he was able to focus on the man who was standing across the room. The man – _Severus, _a miniscule part of his brain whispered – had the bag in his hand, his long nose wrinkled in a sneer.

"That's quite enough of that," Severus said in a cold tone, dark eyes glittering as they surveyed his companion. "I expected better of you, Lupin. You don't even know what it is."

_He's going to take it away._

_No._

_No!_

The surprisingly clear thoughts had Remus suddenly lunging off the bed – _how had he ended up on the bed? – _and throwing himself towards the other professor, teeth bared in a snarl. Snape's eyes widened briefly before his face hardened. That same clear thinking process had Remus just as suddenly wavering, his body swaying back and forth on the spot when Snape's wand appeared in his hand, pointed directly at the werewolf.

"Stop. Don't come any closer. I will not hesitate to stun you if you do."

"_Give it back," _Remus growled, the wolf closer to the surface than it should've been as his body began to vibrate, the need for the plant making his heart stutter and boom in his chest. "_It's mine!"_

"No, it is not. Take one step closer, Lupin, and you'll be on your arse."

The anger was huge, much bigger than the situation warranted, causing Remus's common sense to go completely out the window. An animalistic snarl rumbling in his chest, he once again threw himself towards Snape…

…and was hit directly in the heart with a bright red light as a result.

_Hey, look. I'm flying._

_Can werewolves fly?_

A strange sound filtered through the room as Remus's body tumbled backwards, the wizard taking a very long second to realize it was coming from him. And even after he figured that out, he still didn't understand what the sound meant until he hit the opposite wall with a resounding _crash, _sliding down and landing in a heap, books tumbling everywhere, the sound still echoing around him. He lay on the floor and stared up at the ceiling, his mouth open as the sound escaped through his lips, shoulders shaking in accompaniment.

_He was laughing._

No, he wasn't laughing. Remus was _giggling._

_What the bloody hell's so funny, Moony?_

The voice cut the laughter off abruptly, along with Remus's breath as a razor-sharp knife cut through his chest, slashing his heart in half and turning it into neat, bloodless little pieces. His hand flew to his chest as he gazed blindly at the ceiling, mouth agape. Sweet Merlin, it _hurt. _He loved Sirius so much, but he wasn't enough, and now he was gone, now Remus was alone, and the emptiness, the _loneliness_, it just never _stopped- _

A blurry face entered his line of vision, making the hideous burning in the werewolf's chest dull. Remus blinked, the pain sliding away, the incredulous expression on the face above him bringing the humour back just as quickly as the sorrow he'd just been drowning in had hit him. A wobbly smile spread across his face.

"How is your hair so clean?"

The mouth above him dropped open, and those strange giggles erupted from Remus's chest again. His body shook with them, the sound high-pitched and breathy. He stared into dark eyes as he laughed, the expression in those eyes transforming rapidly from shocked to horrified.

"Merlin above, you're as high as a fucking kite."

The unexpected curse had more laughter ripping through the air, and Remus's vision shook, the world turning on its head. Confusion rapidly killed the laughter. His head swung around, peering about the room; until it finally clicked that he was no longer on the floor.

He was standing on his own two feet, with Snape's arm around his waist again.

_Snape. The bag._

"Where is it?" he asked, his head turning to look at the man next to him, his voice sounding far away to his own ears. Snape met his eyes, the darkness of his gaze unfathomable.

"Gone. I should have never left it unsecured. It needed to be tested, but not like this."

The last part was muttered more to himself than to Remus, but the werewolf was no longer paying attention. His focus was on the colours.

Red. Yellow. Purple. Orange and blue. Silver and green. Brown and pink and black and puce and russet and obsidian and violet and cerulean. All of them. They hung as a haze over everything, occasionally pulsating and sparking, making it impossible to look away. The need for the bag slipped away as distraction kicked in.

"I don't know how long this is going to last, so you're going to have to stay here until it wears off- are you even listening to me? Lupin? Lupin!"

The last two syllables seemed to burst from the man, booming through the room as the two wizards left the bedroom and walked into a room that was unmistakably a common area. Remus's head snapped around at the volume increase, irritated at being dragged away from his current fascination.

"_What? _I'm looking at the colours!_"_

"Colours? Sweet Salazar, give me strength," Snape groaned, lowering the werewolf onto the couch. "This is going to be a long afternoon, isn't it?"

"But, can't you see them?" Remus babbled, falling against the back of the couch, legs spayed, head rolling on his neck. "They're beautiful!"

"Yes, I'm sure they are," the Potions Master drawled, making Remus shift slightly and squint up at him as he tried to figure out why there was so much amusement in the other man's voice. "Unfortunately, they aren't real. What they are, however, is interesting…"

The musing tone faded into the background, Remus's attention once again captured by the colours, a frown quickly overtaking his features as they too began to fade. Soon, they were gone as if they were never there, and the werewolf turned his head, the movement a little desperate.

He'd _liked_ them, goddamn it!

He blinked a couple of times, eyes widening and gaze halting rather abruptly as the room seemed to _smear. _Heart thumping like a rabbit's foot, Remus angled his eyes towards the blur trailing his gaze across the room had caused, but all that did was cause another one, the dark colour scheme that made up the rooms features smudging, as if the tail end of his vision had been attacked by an artist's brush. It was more than a little disconcerting, and before he knew it, he could hear his breath escaping his lungs loudly, the panicked pants rattling through his chest and out of his mouth.

_What's going on? I don't like this. It's not funny anymore. Please, stop it. Shit, shit, shit, shit, make it stop!_

"-pin? Lupin! Calm down, you'll pass out! _Remus!"_

Sound rushed back, the werewolf's panic growing as it made him realize that it had disappeared in the first place, and Remus's startled gaze snapped up again, focusing on the man now crouching in front of him. Snape looked concerned, the expression looking extremely weird on his usually stoic face. They stared at each other for a few minutes, both the panic and the smearing flowing away with Remus's new focus.

Snape's eyes narrowed briefly, before he nodded.

"Good. Don't fall apart on me, wolf. Dealing with you stoned is one thing, as that was my fault, but my tolerance ends there. Save your breakdown until you're far away from me."

The words were harsh, the tone no less so. Remus frowned; confused by the concern he could still see crinkling the corners of Severus's eyes. He leant forward and reached out a hand, trying to work through the contradiction.

"Soft," he mumbled, tongue thick and clumsy, vision hazing around the edges as his fingers ghosted the skin around Snape's eyes. "You're lying. It shows."

Severus's expression changed, said eyes going round and wide. Remus blinked, unable to help staring, both baffled by and undeniably curious about the sensual expression rapidly transforming the Potion Master's features. Severus swallowed and leant forward almost unconsciously, dark, burning eyes fixed on Remus, causing the werewolf's hand to slide into his hair.

Suddenly, a burst of noise that sounded a lot like a bird song had Remus's head shooting towards the ceiling. He fell against the back of the couch again, a pillow falling into his lap as he tried to figure out where the sound was coming from, breaking contact with the other man.

"Jesus Christ."

Remus frowned, the whisper mixing with the birdsong. Since when did birds swear? Not to mention use such a muggle term?

_Since when did invisible birds chirp inside, down in the dungeons, Moony? Think maybe you should be asking that_, _hmm?_

There was pressure in his lap. _His_ voice rang through his head again, and Remus looked down, the birdsong fading. The cushion was square, a dark, almost black green, with tassels rimming the edges. With _his _voice still echoing through his mind, Remus picked up the tassels and ran them through his fingers.

_Silky. Like his hair._

Pain ripped through Remus's chest. The cushion in his lap began to morph, taking on human characteristics, lengthening into a human body shape. Remus stared, the object of his eternal affection appearing before his still-hazy eyes.

"Sirius?" he muttered, squinting. Grey eyes grinned back at him, silky black hair falling over Remus's thighs. Sirius's head was in the werewolf's lap, the rest of his body laid out on the couch, a position he'd always claimed was his favourite way to relax.

"_Hey, Rem! You still studying? Those books glued to your hands or something? It's Hogsmeade weekend, come have some fun with us!"_

The face was youthful, cheeks fuller, gaze more lively. The lips moved, but the only sound was in Remus's head. The body was clad in a school uniform, which didn't make any sense, as Sirius had never gone to Hogsmeade in his uniform - or at least not on official weekends. Remus was looking down at a teenage Sirius Black, a sight he hadn't seen in a very long time.

"You know I have to study," he answered in a quiet voice, repeating the very same thing he'd said back to Sirius all those years ago. Some little, tiny part of his addled brain knew that this wasn't real. It couldn't be. But those were happier times, and he wanted those times back desperately.

"Lupin?"

The face aged just a little, the cheekiness dropping away, revealing a more serious, slightly nervous expression. Remus held his gaze; gut twisting as his breath caught painfully in his throat. He knew what was coming next.

"_I, ah… I-I love you, Remus."_

The first time Sirius had said that, the _very _first time Sirius had said that, it had made the other wizard's heart soar. They'd been sitting out by the lake, with Sirius's head in his lap, talking about random, inconsequential things, when his boyfriend's mood had changed. He'd said it out-of-the-blue, startling Remus so badly, he hadn't been able to find a single, suitable thing to say in reply. He'd just sat there with his mouth open, dumbfounded.

Which, of course, hadn't given a very good impression.

Sirius had been up and leaving before the werewolf had regained his composure, which had sent Remus running after him, babbling incoherently. Eventually, he'd been able to make Sirius understand that the sentiment was very much returned, something that had made the other wizard smile the widest smile Remus could remember seeing on his face. Remus had grinned back, thrown his arms around his neck and kissed the living daylights out of him, before they'd retreated to the dorm and hadn't come out for the rest of the day.

Remus smiled down at the boy lying in his lap as the scene played vividly in his mind's eye. "I love you too."

"Lupin? Who are you talking to? Are you hallucinating?"

The voice sounded dull, muffled, distant. Easy to ignore. Remus continued to watch as Sirius's features changed once more, aging slowly, years adding to his face and body. Weight slipping away. Muscles deflating. Bones standing out distinctly against too-pale skin, eyes turning lost and wild and so very tired. Appearing old and a little crazed, Sirius's clothes disappeared, a ragged, scratchy blanket covering his lower half, ribs visible as they pressed against his bare chest.

Despite all that, Grimmauld Place Sirius looked determined and ridiculously hopeful; an expression that twisted his emasculated features almost unnaturally.

"_It's you and me, Moony. You, me and Harry. We'll kill the bastard and all those who follow him, and then we'll live our lives like we were always supposed to. We'll have our happy ending."_

"You've been watching Disney movies again," Remus murmured in time with the past him, his hand reaching down to run through no longer silky hair. A soft curse tried to invade his tunnel vision, but Remus ignored the outside influence.

Sirius was still smiling. That was all that mattered.

"_Hey, don't blame me; Dung's the one who supplied them and the magically enhanced television set. It's the only entertainment I get in this soul-sucking house."_

"What about me?" the werewolf asked with a soft smile, feeling light and airy. Bubbles fizzed through his stomach, little bursts of happiness taking all his troubles away. He felt free.

"_Well, yeah, there's you, too." _A smirk replaced Sirius's pout, his grey eyes heating. _"And you're _much_ more enjoyable than a muggle movie, Rem. Trust me."_

Remus laughed. The sound was loud, and a hand touched his shoulder, gripping hard and shaking. A hand that wasn't Sirius's.

"Lupin, snap out of it, for Merlin's sake! It's not real!"

"Shut up," Remus whispered, still staring down at his smirking ex, well aware of that painful little fact. "Just shut up."

The hand on his shoulder tightened and the interloper sighed. "Listen, Remus-"

"_Why did you leave me, Remus?"_

The outside world faded in light of the question, the narrowing tunnel vision blanking it out. A horrible ache began to pulse through the werewolf. Sirius had aged again, though not by much. Apart from wearing the same clothes he'd been wearing the morning Remus had walked out, the only real difference was how much healthier he looked. Or at least his body did.

Grey eyes that had always looked so cheeky, so cheerful, so boisterous, now stared up at Remus shattered.

_No. No, no, no, no._

"_I love you, Moony. So much. But you walked away. You left me."_

"I had to," Remus croaked, the ache building and building, filling his chest until he couldn't breathe. "I had to."

"_Why did you leave me, Remus?"_

"Because you cheated on me, Sirius."

Just like that, it was over and he was gone. The cushion was a cushion again. Remus stared numbly at the decoration in his lap for a long moment, before lifting weary, heavy-lidded eyes to meet the startled gaze of one Severus Snape.

"He cheated on me. Over and over. He hated himself for it, every time, and he was so sincerely sorry for it every time, but he still did it. He still went out and drank and flirted, then came home the next morning smelling of vomit and sex. He still did it. Why would he still do it? I don't understand. I just don't understand."

The sorrow was an endless ocean, the tide tugging at him relentlessly. A vast wave of exhaustion swept over him, and as he no longer wanted to deal with his agonizing emotions, Remus embraced it. His eyes fluttered closed and his body slumped. Behind his eyelids, Sirius grinned.

"Why wasn't I enough?" the werewolf asked the vision in a voice barely above a whisper, before finally dropping like a rock into a suffocating, thankfully dreamless sleep.

~0~

There was a cymbal being beated repeatedly in his head. With his eyes still closed, Remus winced, shifting slightly to try to escape the loud, clanging noise, but all that did was make it worse. Groaning under his breath as the cymbal drove spikes of pain through his brain, his lids cracked open – then immediately shut again when bright, garish light attacked his eyeballs.

_Oh, sweet baby Jesus, why do I feel so bloody bad? Someone, please, just kill me now._

He started violently when something grabbed the back of his head and pushed it up.

"Calm yourself, Lupin, it's only me. I've got a pain potion for you, but you can't take it whilst lying down."

The cool drawl had Remus scrunching his forehead again. "Severus?" he whispered with his eyes still closed, the end of the word trailing into another groan. Why was Snape in his rooms?

"Yes. Now, sit up and open your mouth. You won't be able to function until you get rid of the pain in your head."

Something smooth and cool pressed against his lips, and inching his eyes open just enough to make sure that it was a potion bottle and not something deviant-

"Don't you trust me, Lupin?"

-Remus quickly accepted the offering. Ice-cold liquid slid down his throat, spreading through his system and flowing into his head, dousing the cringe-worthy pain with blessed relief.

"Yes, I trust you," he finally answered, his voice sounding as if he'd swallowed rusty nails. He coughed a couple of times and dragged his body fully upright, reaching up to rub his eyes before trying to open them again. This time, the early morning light wasn't so bright-

_Wait a minute. Early morning light?_

His eyes flew open, his body springing into a sitting position so quickly, he almost followed the blanket that had been draped over his stomach onto the floor.

"Steady, wolf. Don't push yourself too much yet. This is new territory for me as much as it is for you."

"What's new territory?" Remus questioned sharply, a frown pulling at his brow as he took in his surroundings, finding he wasn't in his rooms after all. "Why am I in your quarters? More importantly, what happened yesterday afternoon that caused me to lose time?"

He turned his head to peer up at his fellow professor, gritty eyes surveying the identical frown on the Potion Master's face. Severus regarded him for a moment before taking a seat across from him.

"Do you not remember? This is unexpected. The rest always have."

"Remember what… oh, bloody buggering hell."

The memory swamped him abruptly. Remus groaned, his head falling forward as everything that had happened the day before played back through his mind, the images hazy but no less coherent. His heart began to pound as he remembered talking to an imaginary Sirius in front of Severus… and then what he'd said to Severus after his mind had stopped playing tricks on him.

_Merlin, where did my brain-to-mouth filter go?_

"I owe you an apology."

Surprise had Remus's eyes lifting again. Snape's face was as calm and collected as always, not giving anything away.

"I should have never left the plant lying around haphazardly. Not realizing that it was going to attract you so much, or affect you so badly is no excuse. It's a semi-unknown substance, so it should have been locked up where only I can access it. I apologize. It won't happen again."

Watching the other man for a silent moment, Remus sighed and reluctantly inclined his head, acknowledging the apology. He was too embarrassed to feel completely forgiving, but the admission had seemed sincere. Besides, he wanted to know exactly what he'd been sniffing, and for that, he needed Snape to co-operate.

"What was the plant?" he asked with a frown. Severus echoed his sigh and sat back.

"It's something that was found growing in a tiny village in the west of Africa. It doesn't have a name as yet, but the village it was found in was being continuously plagued by werewolves. No one knows why. What we do know is that when used against a fully transformed werewolf, the plant knocks them out completely and keeps them unconscious until they transform back the following morning."

_What? _Remus gaped. How was that possible? Werewolves were notoriously hard to kill, let alone render unconscious. And Snape was saying that a _plant_ could do it?

"_How?_" he whispered, gobsmacked. Severus's jaw tightened.

"I do not know. Not yet, anyway," he rectified quickly, "but I intend to find out. I spent most of my recovery time this past year in that village, observing the villages crush up the plant, coat their darts in the dust and then shoot the dart into the wolves. It worked every time. When the wolf woke up the next morning, he retained all his memories, which is why I found it unusual that you couldn't remember for a short while when you woke up. The only side-effect was the headache. I asked you to meet me yesterday because I wanted to see if you were interested in helping me find out if the plant affected werewolves in human form the same way as it does in wolf form, to see if there was possibly another way to help the inflicted besides wolfsbane. I did not expect you to react so differently, not to mention so… _vividly._"

Feeling colour rush into his cheeks, Remus closed his eyes again. "Yeah, sorry about that. It can't have been fun to deal with."

"It was entertaining, to say the least," Severus drawled, making a small, wry smile tug at Remus's lips. He looked up to see Snape watching him over steepled fingers, one leg resting on the opposite knee. Wearing muggle clothes again, the professor looked relaxed and more than comfortable in his own skin. "Can you describe what the experience was like? I need all the data I can collect."

"What, can't you tell when someone's stoned out of their tree?" Remus joked, shifting his shoulders against a surge of that unexpected attraction. To be honest, it made him a little uncomfortable.

Severus angled his head. "I think it was a little more than just 'stoned', Lupin," he said dryly. "To an observer, it was as if all your emotions were heightened. You were laughing like a loon, yes, but you also got rather angry, as well as quite panicky and more than a little… distressed towards the end. I'm no expert, but that seemed to be more than just 'stoned'. And then there's the hallucinating."

_Distressed. Now there's a word for it. _Remus grimaced. He didn't want to think about the way he'd been feeling right before he'd fallen asleep. But Snape was right. They did need all the information they could get.

"I wasn't hallucinating," he contradicted in a quiet voice, holding up a hand when Severus frowned and opened his mouth to protest. "Okay, so the lights and sounds clearly come under that category, but S-Siri- uh…" he took a deep breath and tried again, "Sirius's part was more vividly recalling a memory. Everything that I saw and heard him say happened sometime in the past."

_Everything but his last question,_ Remus thought, fighting back a shudder. No, he really didn't want to think about that.

Severus cocked his head and didn't reply to that statement. He watched Remus closely, none of his thoughts showing on his face. They sat in silence for a good five minutes before he spoke again.

"Would you be willing to try again? It would be in a controlled environment this time, so there shouldn't be any more hallucinations or stunning spells that don't work."

The werewolf stiffened as the memory flashed through his mind. "You stunned me!"

"I did," Snape agreed calmly. "You were determined to get to the bag and I didn't have a choice. I was expecting it to knock you unconscious, like it's supposed to do, but all it did was make you laugh your head off. That won't happen again."

"It won't not work again, or you won't pull your wand on me again?" Remus asked dryly, amused by the statement. He blinked at the smirk that crossed Severus's face in answer.

"Both. Are you willing to help?"

Shaking his head, the other wizard sat back with a sigh and rubbed his face with his hands. "Of course I am. Anything that could potentially help my kind in the future. Now, do you mind if we call it a day? I'm still really tired and I have to contact Dora and let her know why I was a no-show last night."

"I already did that," Snape stated in a matter-of-face tone, surprising the werewolf once more. "I floo-called her last night when it became obvious you weren't going to wake up in time. She's expecting you tonight instead."

"Er… thanks," Remus muttered, just a little baffled. Snape inclined his head.

"You're welcome. Go to bed, wolf. You look dead on your feet."

Nodding in relief, Remus got up and headed for the door, determined to hit the hay as soon as he got back to his quarters. Maybe that was another aftereffect? Extreme tiredness as well as the thumping headache he'd woken up with? They'd definitely have to control the experiment more before he tried it again-

"Lupin."

Turning back, Remus lifted his brow at the man in the doorway. Severus was standing with his face half-hidden in the shadows.

"You're more than enough for any man. Black is a fool for making you think you're not, or for even going after others in the first place."

He turned back into his quarters and quietly closed the door behind him, leaving Remus standing out in the corridor, stunned beyond belief.


	12. Listening

**Precious**

Disclaimer: Ixnay on the ownage of Harry Potter-ay. To me, of course. Not Jo.

**Chapter Twelve – Listening**

_He turned back into his quarters and quietly closed the door behind him, leaving Remus standing out in the corridor, stunned beyond belief._

* * *

><p>Despite Severus's quiet announcement in the corridor making his mind spin, Remus was asleep the instant his body hit the bed. He stayed under for a solid six hours, his consciousness fleeing as if the devil was on its tail, and when he finally woke, his eyes sprang open as if they'd never closed in the first place. He blinked a couple of times, brow furrowing as he stared up at the unfamiliar marble ceiling.<p>

_Where am I?_

Almost as soon as the thought trickled through his mind, Remus knew the answer. Having not slept in his bed since he'd moved into the castle, it made sense that he wouldn't recognize his bedroom ceiling, and he sat up quickly as the reason _why_ he hadn't slept in the big, king-size bed made his chest ache. Deliberately not looking at the empty space next to him, the unused part of the sheets cold enough to make his heart chill to a similar temperature, Remus scrambled from the bed and headed for the shower.

It was after he stepped back out that he remembered Snape's declaration.

It made him stop mid-stride on his way to the kitchens to skive something to eat off the house-elves. The remembered statement also had a frown pulling at his brow, his stomach jumping in contrast. Why would Snape say something like that? He'd never given _any_ indication that he was interested in his own sex – but then again, it wasn't like he and Remus were all that close. He couldn't say that he'd despised the man in school, but Remus had been friends with two boys who'd actively hated the Slytherin, so a friendship with their rival would have been impossible even if he'd wanted one. How could he say he was positive the man wasn't gay when he didn't know him? Being bent his entire life, Remus was more than able pick up on subtle vibes by now, but even the strongest gaydar wasn't 100% foolproof.

His stomach jumped again at the thought of Snape liking the lads, and with his forehead furrowing deeply, he shook his head and continued to the kitchens. He wasn't going to worry about it. What Severus's preference was didn't matter to him anyway, because he wasn't interested in the other wizard. He wasn't in the market for any type of relationship, sexual or otherwise, no matter what that annoying trickle of attraction was telling him. So if what Snape's statement had indicated was true, he'd just have to get used to embracing disappointment.

He certainly wasn't going to be embracing anything else.

Feeling marginally better as he put the thought out of his mind, Remus dug into a bowlful of chocolate bread-and-butter pudding, then headed back to his quarters to floo to Dora's. He wasn't due for another couple of hours yet, but he didn't think the Metamorphmagus would mind, and he was certain Teddy wouldn't. Besides, Dora was probably extremely curious about why Snape had been the one to let her know Remus wasn't coming the night before, not to mention the reason why he couldn't come in the first place.

With a grimace, he threw the powder in the floo and called out Dora's address. May as well get it over and done with.

~0~

"Dad!"

"Hey, champ," Remus answered, smiling widely when Teddy bounded into the room. His hair was magenta-pink today, his eyes flashing green and his grin making his face glow with joy as he bounced up and down on the spot. Remus's heart abruptly turned over in his chest, unending love for the amazing little boy pouring through him. Even after eight years, it still amazed him at times that he had the honour and privilege of calling Teddy his son.

What the hell had he ever done to get so lucky?

"Dad, you're early, just like Charlie!"

"Charlie?" Remus questioned, brows rising in surprise. Charlie was here?

"Yeah! He showed up way early this morning and made us bacon French toast for breakfast!" He leant in closer and pressed the side of his hand against the corner of his mouth, as if letting Remus in on a secret. "Mum was annoyed, but I think she was only pretending, because it's her favourite and she didn't make him leave again. Plus, her hair didn't turn muddy-orange like it does when she's angry."

"What colour did it turn?" Remus asked in amusement. He was pretty sure he already knew the answer.

"Pinkish-red," Teddy told him with a frown. "I don't know what that means, but Charlie grinned when he saw it, so he must've."

"All right, young man, that's enough storytelling I think," a firm voice said from the doorway, and Remus looked over to smile at Dora, who was standing with her hands on her hips, scowling at her son, her blue hair just tinged with pink. The werewolf smirked inwardly. Dora was an outgoing person who took everything at face value and with a grin on her face when she did it, so it was usually hard to embarrass her. But going by what Teddy had just said, his mother had been embarrassed for a large part of the day – just as she was now.

Charlie might just have an easier time of it than he realized. The thought made Remus grin for two reasons: one, because he liked the boy and thought he and Dora would work well together, and two, because if Dora was distracted by Charlie, she most likely wouldn't ask about Snape calling him in sick the evening before.

A win-win situation for everyone.

"Hello, Remus," Dora greeted, her eyes still on her son. "You're early. We still have one more person to come, but he won't be here until later."

"Who are we waiting for?" Remus asked, walking toward the witch. Teddy bet Dora to the answer.

"It was Charlie! But he's here now so no more waiting!"

_I don't think it was Charlie, son. I don't actually think he was invited at all,_ Remus thought in amusement as Dora frowned. He followed Teddy through the doorway, grinning at the witch as he walked through.

"Pinkish-red?" he muttered out of the corner of his mouth as he passed her. Dora scowled again and her hair turned pinker.

"Shut up."

Chuckling to himself, Remus smiled at a smirking Charlie Weasley who sat at the kitchen table, a pleased expression in his blue eyes. He'd obviously heard everything Teddy had said, and Dora's reaction was clearly what he'd been going for. The redhead nodded at the older wizard.

"'Lo, Remus."

"Charlie. You staying for dinner?"

"Yes," Charlie answered at exactly the same time as Dora replied "no." Another scowl pulled at the Metamorpmagus's mouth when Charlie flicked her a fake hurt look.

"Aww, come on, Nymph, we're having so much fun! I don't want it to end yet. The school's boring at the moment; can't I stay and eat with you?"

"You've already been here all day, Charlie," Dora pointed out, throwing him an exasperated look. Charlie's returning pout was exaggerated, making Teddy giggle.

"Not _all _day. Just most of it. Your company's so interesting, Nymphy, I don't want to leave it. Teddy doesn't want me to go either, do you, Teddy?"

The little boy grinned. "Nope! Charlie's still gotta tell me those Seeker stories, Mum, he can't leave yet!"

Charlie turned to Dora and raised a ginger brow, smirk firmly in place. "See? I can't leave yet, Nymph."

Frustration clearly stamped across her features, Dora's eyes went from one to the other before resignation smoothed out the indignation. Remus sat back and grinned. It was highly amusement to see Dora getting tag-teamed, and it was even more amusing to see her give in to the ganging up.

"Fine, you can stay," she grumbled, pinning Charlie with a hard look. "But only if you stop calling me that stupid nickname!"

Charlie grinned widely and shook his head. "No can do, Nymphy darling. I like that name." He leaned across the table and lowered his voice, a wicked smile flashing across his face. "You better get used to it, my dear, because you'll be hearing it a _lot_ more in the future. I'll be saying it so much, you'll hear it in your dreams. Of course, that's if you don't already, hmm?"

Dora's eyes widened and her hair flashed from blue to a deeper red with pink glowing at the ends, her face colouring to accompany the emotion. Her eyes flicked to Teddy and then to Remus before skipping back to Charlie who was watching her with a tiny, strangely focused smile. The chair scraped loudly against the wooden floor when she hurriedly pushed it back.

"Remus needs tea. Tea, Remus? I'll make you tea."

"Tea would be nice, Dora," Remus replied, voice shaking with supressed laughter. The woman shot from her chair and hotfooted it to the counter, fingers clenching into fists and releasing before she reached for the kettle. The pink gradually faded from her hair as she made the tea, but the rest stayed red, and Remus was positive it wasn't because she was about to explode with rage.

He pursed his lips, his mind beginning to tick over as Charlie sat back with a satisfied smirk. Dora's reaction intrigued him. She and Charlie had been together at Hogwarts, so flushing with embarrassed pleasure when he teased and flirted with her shouldn't have been her first reaction. In fact, he would've expected her to grin and flirt right back.

Not doing that could mean many things. Remus was hoping it meant she was interested in what Charlie offering, even if it was unwillingly.

And offering he clearly was. Over the next couple of hours, Remus sat and watched as Charlie systematically flirted his way through every wall Dora tried to throw in his path. His intentions were outrageously clear. He constantly reminded her about their shared past, but also commented on the future and the things he wanted to see and do – with Dora and Teddy at his side, of course. He touched her whenever he could, but it was never in an overly sexual way – always only a brush against her shoulder, or an arm around her waist, or a squeeze of her hand. His words, however, contrasted those innocent touches, his comments making it obvious he wanted to be with her but veering away from being _too_ obvious as Teddy was always in the room. Remus was sure that even if his son hadn't been with them, Charlie wouldn't have dipped into vulgarity. He wanted Dora, yes, but as the afternoon went on, it became impossible to dispute that he only wanted her in his bed.

Charlie wanted a future. And that one very clear fact flustered Dora completely.

The early evening sun was just reaching its peak when Charlie offered to show Teddy some of the more interesting moves he'd accomplished as a Seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch team while at school. Teddy was very eager to see them, and once Dora made Charlie promise not to use an actual broom in the demonstrations – something that made Teddy sigh in disappointment and turn away from the closet where he'd been running to get his mum's broom – he and Teddy headed out the door and around into the backyard.

Dora's exhale was almost silent when the door closed behind them. Remus watched her back as she got up to wash the few dishes the four of them had used.

"So, you and Charlie in school, huh?" he asked, even though he already knew the answer. He wanted Dora's take on it, to see if it would confirm his suspicions. The witch glanced back over her shoulder and grimaced.

"Er, yeah. Sort of, I guess."

"Only sort of?" he probed gently. Dora threw him a wry look.

"Yeah, only sort of. We weren't _together _together, really. We weren't a couple. We were friends, good friends, who were each other's, umm, _stress relief_ I suppose you could say, for OWLs and NEWTs. We never did the deed, but we got awfully close in sixth and seventh year a couple of times. He never pushed to take that final step, though, and when we left his dorm, it was as if hadn't happened until we were back behind his curtains again. Sure, he flirted in front of our friends, but then Charlie's a flirt, as you could tell by his little display earlier. He always has been. In front of everyone else, we were close friends who joked around with each other, but nothing more."

"Why not?"

Dora's hands halted on the dish she was washing for a brief moment as she considered the question. "I guess neither of us really wanted to be more. Me, I was caught up in that ridiculous little crush I had on you, and Charlie… well, when we first started, he was hung up on a Slytherin girl by the name of Lucinda Reece who wouldn't give him the time of day – mainly because he was a Gryffindor who came from a family with well-known money troubles. Since we were both 'in love'-" she paused her washing to use air quotes around those words, "-with other people, we were happy to stick to the arrangement. At least we had someone to bemoan the fact to that respective crushes were entirely one-sided – though, come to think of it, Charlie stopped doing that in sixth year. Whereas I never shut up about you."

She threw a grin over her shoulder to lighten the words, but it didn't really do much to alleviate the guilt that twisted in Remus's gut. He sighed at the feeling and rubbed his temple, a little annoyed at himself. He knew he shouldn't be feeling guilty about Dora's unrequited love; he didn't have anything to feel guilty for. He wasn't responsible for the way Dora had felt when she was a teenager. He'd, in fact, done everything he could think of to discourage her crush, short of breaking her heart. Nevertheless, whenever they talked about the way she used to feel, it reminded Remus of the way Teddy had been conceived, and then the guilt would bubble up and eat through his chest like acid.

No matter how often his son's mother told him that it hadn't been his fault, he knew he'd live with the guilt of the act for the rest of his days.

Wanting to distract himself from that indisputable fact, he turned his concentration to the conversation again. "So, what about now? You said Charlie was a flirt, but that wasn't just general flirting before, Dora. The boy's very interested, and I'm guessing in more than just 'stress relief' this time. How do you feel?"

Dora sighed and pulled the plug out of the sink, her mouth twisted in confused frustration. "Honestly? I don't know. It's… it's weird to think of taking that step with someone who's always only been a friend, you know?"

"You used to frequently snog that someone who's always only been a friend, Dora," Remus pointed out dryly, getting up and approaching her, leaning back against the counter as she stared out the window. "You used to more than just snog him. How can it be weird?"

"Yes, I know that, but he was… he was…"

"Safe?" Remus suggested quietly when she trailed off in frustration. Dora flicked him a glance and then turned quickly back to the window. "He was safe in school. He's not now, is he? He's truly interested now, though something tells me he may have been truly interested in school as well, going by the way he stopped complaining about the girl he was interested in back then. They never got together, did they?"

"No," Dora murmured, "otherwise we would've stopped whatever we were… we would've stopped it. Charlie's too noble to cheat."

"Well, if he stopped talking about her, it sounds like he got over her," Remus theorized, wincing internally at that last comment but shoving it out of his brain. Now wasn't the time to make it about him. "And yet, he didn't stop what he was doing with you, either."

"He was getting sexual favours without the bother of commitment. Of course he wouldn't stop it," Dora protested, though the defence was decidedly weak, something she proved she'd already realized when she sighed and reached up to rub the bridge of her nose. "But he never spoke about anyone else and even turned down offers from other girls. I knew that. I did know that at the time, but I just… I don't know what I just."

"Maybe you just ignored what you knew the knowledge meant," Remus suggested gently. "Not deliberately, of course, but subconsciously you looked right past it because looking _at_ it meant you had to deal with something that was a lot scarier than an unrequited crush on an older man. I was safe as well. Charlie meant real emotional involvement and maybe you weren't ready for that at the time."

He glanced over when the silence stretched to see Dora watching him curiously. "What?"

"When did you become a psychiatrist?"

Remus smiled. "I didn't. I've done my fair share of soul searching in my time."

Dora snorted. "Yes, well with Sirius, I suppose you'd have to." She turned back to the window and Remus followed her gaze, not acknowledging the comment. She was right.

His own gaze landed on his son and Charlie running around the tiny backyard. The Quidditch demonstration had clearly stopped. By the looks of it, Charlie was now pretending to be a dragon, and going by the Teddy's movements, the boy was pretending to be Charlie. As he watched, 'Charlie' caught the 'dragon', and both man and boy fell to the ground laughing.

"He's very good with him," the werewolf commented quietly. A corner of Dora's mouth lifted.

"He's had a lot of practise."

"He has. So, are you ready now? For real emotional involvement," he clarified when Dora looked at him in confusion. "Because we both know that this time, that's what Charlie's looking for."

A scowl pulled at the Metamorphmagus's brow. "I don't know! Merlin, he's only been here for a couple of days! Isn't it too early to be asking those questions?"

"Not when short of saying the words, he's already put his cards on the table," Remus retorted, thinking back to the way Charlie had acted earlier. "But you've got time, I guess. Do think about it, though, won't you? He's a good bloke and he's good with Teddy. I approve."

The look Dora sent him was a mixture of amusement and annoyance. "And your approval is supposed to be my starting gun, is it? It's the only thing that matters?"

"Well, no, but Teddy is my son and-"

Fortunately, the sound of the floo activating in the living room cut Remus off, preventing the heated words his comment had provoked from spewing from the witch. Instead, her growing glare turned smug.

"How about you deal with your own love-life related problems before jumping feet first into mine, hmm?" she suggested sweetly, turning to the kitchen door. Remus frowned. What did that mean?

"Tonks? You home?"

_Harry? _

"You didn't!" Remus hissed, head shooting around with a glare of his own. Dora shrugged, face still smug.

"I'm not the only one who's not dealing with things in front of my face, am I? And I didn't do anything. He asked to come to dinner and then innocently requested you be there as well. I just set it up. In the kitchen, Harry!"

"Oh, good. Is Remus here yet? How long do we have- oh. Umm, hi, Remus."

"Hello, Harry," Remus replied stiffly, unable to help his stilted tone. He knew it was childish, ignoring the wizard's repeated requests to see him, but the Boy-Who-Lived had hurt him. Not to mention he didn't want to think about the reason behind the hurt. He sighed under his breath. It always came back to Sirius.

Couldn't he have a single day where his ex wasn't in his thoughts or the reason behind his actions?

"Can we, er, can we… talk? Maybe?"

Apparently not.

"I'll just go see how Charlie and Teddy are getting on. Harry, dinner will be a little way away yet, so take your time, all right? Have a good talk."

"Thanks, Tonks," Harry answered absently, emerald eyes on Remus. The werewolf turned and pinned her with a look as she headed to the door, but all Dora did was grin and wave. The door closed quietly behind her and Remus was alone with the man he considered a son.

Bloody hell, he was going to make the witch pay for this.

"Want to sit down?" Harry asked, voice still hesitant. _Not particularly,_ Remus thought as he outwardly nodded and retook the seat he'd recently vacated. Harry took the opposite and an awkward silence with the power of an industrial strength rubber-band stretched between the two men.

When it broke, the snap was almost audible.

"Remus, I'm so sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I didn't mean any of what I said, I was just angry because I thought you'd hurt Sirius for no reason, which I should've known wasn't true because you wouldn't do that. You aren't that type of person. I know you don't break promises lightly, and I know you love him, and I know that it would've taken something big to make you leave. I knew all that, but I just didn't want to believe that you two had broken up, because the strength of your relationship with Sirius was one of the things that kept me going through the war; something strong and good and right in all the darkness and I didn't want to let that go. I didn't want to let the two of you together go. Please forgive me. I can't stand you being angry at me because I'm foolishly stubborn and have a terrible temper. Please say you'll forgive me. Please. I miss you. I miss talking to you. Please forgive me."

The words ran together rapidly, pouring from the boy like a gushing waterspout, a cork rocketed out of a bottleneck with a loud, pressure-induced pop. Remus stared as the stream tapered off. Harry stared right back, anxiety twitching through his finger and pulling at the lines on his face, making him look much older than his twenty years.

Finally, Remus answered, voice rough with denial, "there's nothing to forgive."

"What? Yes, there is! I treated you appallingly! I jumped to conclusions when I didn't even have half the information, and I blamed you for everything! There's _definitely_ something to forgive! How can you say there isn't?"

"You were just protecting your godfather, Harry. It's what you're supposed to do. Family always comes first."

The soft words carried just a hint of defeat and had the Chosen One frowning in confusion. "Family come first? Yes, it does, but Remus, you're family."

"Not like Sirius," Remus whispered and then could've bitten his tongue when Harry gaped at him in shock. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. He really hadn't wanted the wizard to know the complete reason why he'd been avoiding him. It smacked of neediness, and even washed-up, decrepit werewolves had their pride. "Look, let's just forget it, okay? Nothing to be sorry for, nothing to forgive, let's all move on-"

"No, no, no, no, no! We're _not_ going to just move on!" Harry snapped, the aforementioned stubbornness rearing its head and growling loudly. He got out of the chair and began to pace in agitation, green eyes – Lily's eyes – frustrated behind his glasses. Remus swallowed hard as memories swarmed through his mind. Sweet Merlin, he missed that girl.

"Since when did some family members have a higher ranking of importance to others?" Harry asked sharply, turning his head to scowl at Remus as he strode back and forth repeatedly. "You mean just as much to me as Sirius does, and I can't believe you think differently! _Why_ do you think differently? When have I ever given you any indication that Sirius means more to me than you do?"

_The moment you chose to defend him over me,_ Remus thought. He didn't say it aloud. Instead, he rubbed his eyes as exhaustion washed over him in an abrupt wave. For God's sake, two emotional conversations in one day was just too much for him.

"He's your godfather, Harry," he tried to explain. Harry cut him off when he spun around and threw up his hands.

"You've already said that! So? So what? What the fuck does that have to do with anything? Just because you don't have a legal title, Remus, doesn't make you any less important to me! How can you possibly think it does?"

"Sirius is the one you should've gone to, he was both James and Lily's choice, he was there for you when you needed him-"

"So were _you!_ You're just as much my father as he is!"

The werewolf sat dumbfounded in his chair as the shout faded, the click of the front door gently closing loud in the sudden silence. Harry drew in a deep breath that caught in his throat and then suddenly sagged, shoulders slumping. He walked back over to his chair and dropped into it with a sigh.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for shouting, but it's been a long, frustrating week. Sirius is avoiding me as well, I'm not getting a lot of sleep, and it's maddening to not know what going on."

"Sirius told you what happened," Remus muttered once he'd found his voice. Harry shook his head.

"Yeah, I know that, but I don't know how either of you are, or if you're both still angry with me, and I _hate_ that. I hate not knowing where I stand. I'm worried about you. About _both_ of you, and now it seems I've given you an impression I'd never intended to give – though that's just as much your fault as mine, you know."

Remus's brows lifted in amusement at the defensive tone. "Is it?"

"Yes," Harry answered with a firm nod. "If you'd just told me what had happened in the first place, I would've been able to calmly listen to both sides and then remain neutral, like I was always supposed to be. The only reason I took Sirius's side was because I didn't know the full story and he looked the most emotionally affected. He looked terrible when he left, like he was…"

"Broken," the werewolf whispered, staring at the table as his chest screamed. Shaky fingers pressed against the pain. God.

Would this ever stop?

"Yeah, broken, like I said," Harry agreed, eyes narrowing at Remus hand against his chest. Said eyes widened in epiphany. "But he isn't the only one, is he? You're just better at hiding it, at least initially. Merlin, I'm sorry, Remus. I'm really sorry. For everything."

Closing his eyes, Remus took a deep breath, rubbed his chest a final time and then lowered his hand. He opened his eyes and met the other wizard's fearful gaze with a weak smile.

"It's all right, Harry."

And it was. Hearing that Harry thought of him as a father figure had soothed that twisted knot of hurt and, if he was honest, jealousy casting a nasty shadow over his heart.

"We're fine now. You can stop worrying."

Holding the werewolf's gaze for a long moment, the Boy-Who-Lived finally let out a relieved breath, recognizing the truth in the statement. He smiled and sat back in his chair.

"Okay. Okay. So you'll stop avoiding me now? And you'll come to dinner again? Soon?"

Remus smirked. "Ginny on your case, is she?"

"'On my case' doesn't even begin to describe it," he muttered, earning a chuckle from the other man. Harry grinned at the sound. "No, honestly, it's not just that. You really should come over again soon."

"I'll see what I can do," Remus answered, smiling. Harry's grin widened briefly before it disappeared.

"Okay. So, ah… I sort of need to ask you something but I won't if you don't want to talk about it."

The apprehension in his eyes alerted Remus to the subject matter. "Sirius?" he sighed. Harry grimaced and nodded, making the werewolf shake his head. "It's okay. Go ahead and ask. I have to get used to talking about him. He's your godfather, so I'm going to see him around anyway, no matter how much I may not want to."

He tried to make the final sentence sound jokey, but going by Harry's frown, it fell utterly flat.

"You sure? All right," he sighed when Remus nodded. "What he did. When he, er…"

"Cheated on me?"

"Yeah," Harry agreed, frowning again at the emotionless tone. "That's… that's not normal, is it? That's out of character for him. It has to be. Sirius's love for you is ludicrously strong, always has been, and him cheating on you doesn't make sense. Did you… umm, did you ever ask him why?"

"Yes, I did," Remus replied, bitterness just edging out the monotone. "All the time. He'd never answered me."

"But _why_ wouldn't he? Why didn't you make him? That doesn't make sense either! Neither does him going out and doing it over and over again when he _knew_ you'd know the instant he got home! Sirius can be vindictive, but not to someone he adores beyond all reason! There has to be a reason for it! Something's wrong or something's troubling him or-"

"I don't think Sirius decided to shag his way through half of Britain because something was _troubling_ him, Harry!" Remus snapped roughly, pressure compressing his lungs. He didn't want to talk about this anymore. Fuck, he needed a smoke. His hand snuck into his pocket where he fingered the cigarette that was ever present nowadays. Maybe he could have one? Harry knew, after all, Sirius had shouted it to a full room at the dinner party-

"All right. Okay. Let's just drop the subject, shall we? Moving right along. So, where's Teddy? Did Tonks say Charlie was here? Charlie Weasley? Ginny mentioned he was coming home."

Sighing, Remus let the boy ramble as he tried to make up for his unintended faux pas. He supposed it was a good thing that Harry was worried about Sirius. Wasn't it? At least it meant that the Animagus still had someone in his corner, though the knowledge that he was concerned about Sirius being alone annoyed him to no end. He shouldn't be worried about Sirius at all.

And he wasn't going to be. Remus straightened in his chair, resolve tightening his jaw. Sirius and he weren't together anymore, so Remus was only going to worry about Teddy and Dora, Harry, and, because Sirius had _always_ mattered more, the one person he'd always put last in every equation. The one person who'd never counted as long as his mate was happy.

Himself.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: adVENTitiious, here's my half of the bribe, even if it took longer than it should've. Hope it's worthy payment! Everyone, yes, I changed my penname, and I guarantee Sirius will be in the next chapter. :D Let me know what you think!**


	13. Asking

**Precious**

Disclaimer: I'm siriusly running out of interesting ways to state that I don't own Harry Potter.

**Chapter Thirteen – Asking**

_Remus was only going to worry about Teddy and Dora, Harry, and, because Sirius had __always __mattered more, the one person he'd always put last in every equation. The one person who'd never counted as long as his mate was happy. Himself._

* * *

><p>The last of the childfree time before the new school year started passed quickly, and before Remus knew it, the halls were once again full of innocent laughter and excitement. The werewolf watched from the high table at the front of the hall as the children filed in the first night, the noise level escalating as the room filled. He couldn't help the nostalgic smile that tugged at his mouth as he saw teenagers loudly getting reacquainted with peers they hadn't seen in months, heard discussions breaking out over what they'd be learning that year and speculation about the three new teachers they could see sitting at the high table, and once everyone had settled down and the soon-to-be first-years had been brought in, watched the wonder, nerves and in some cases, fear play across those tiny faces. Seeing those tables stretched out in front of him, filled with eager and not-so-eager minds, memories from his first time teaching filled his mind.<p>

The smile died rather quickly when other memories flitted through his mind along with the pleasure-filled moment of handing over knowledge. His first time teaching had been a both a joy and a hardship. He'd known Sirius was innocent, had believed right from the very beginning that the man he loved could never have been capable of betraying James and Lily and killing Peter and those muggles, but that hadn't stopped Remus from hating him as well.

It was plain and simple, really. No matter how the man had been feeling at the time, no matter how much grief he'd been drowning in, Sirius had chosen to do something that had taken him away from Remus for twelve years – fourteen if you counted the year he'd spent trying to get to Wormtail and the year on the run after that. He'd left him. He'd made a choice, a choice that could've gotten him killed, but had instead had gotten him incarcerated. Either way, his choice had him leaving Remus, leaving him utterly alone in the world once Albus had forbidden him from going after Harry, and it had taken the werewolf many, _many_ years to forgive the other wizard for that. Sure, the abandonment had been unintentional, but that hadn't made it hurt any less, and when you added in the fact that they'd already been at odds over his mate's undeniable distraction before that fateful night…

Sirius had been doing _something_ while Remus had been out trying to negotiate with the werewolf packs all those decades ago. Remus hadn't a clue what it'd been at the time, just as he still didn't now. But something had been up with his lover back then, something shifty and suspicious, something Sirius had obviously known he shouldn't have been doing.

What else could explain the abrupt mood swings, the nervousness, the pacing? The not being able to sit still, which had been ten times worse than normal? His body had literally portrayed his guilt. Plus, there'd been those looks. Knowing that someone had betrayed them, but not knowing who, paranoia had been getting to everyone, and the wild accusation he'd sometimes seen in Sirius's eyes had put Remus's back up, making him believe his lover been trying to divert attention from himself and essentially throw away the blame.

No, Remus had never believed Sirius had done what he'd been imprisoned for. But that didn't mean suspicion hadn't run highly rampant anyway.

_Maybe Sirius's activities have been going on a lot longer than you realized, _a sly little voice whispered in the back of his mind, and Remus scowled at the flare of pain in his chest, shook his head and brought himself back to the present. He couldn't think like that. It was all in the past now, and he had his own future to concentrate on, not to mention the futures of the children sitting in front of him. He sat back with a sigh and began to pay attention again, the Sorting progressing at it should, Minerva standing up and introducing him, Severus and Charlie right after. The intrigue level increased exponentially after the introductions, much of the whispering getting louder at the mention of Severus's name, the general tone shocked and almost morbidly curious. Minerva had to clap her hands sharply, the sound emphasized by a silent spell, to get the student's attention again. Remus flicked a glance towards the newly reinstated potions professor, not at all surprised to find his face looking like it was carved from stone.

With everyone scrambling to finish the final preparations before the students arrived, the two wizards hadn't had time conduct any more experiments on Snape's plant, let alone speak to each other in general. Secretly, Remus was hoping that would continue. Not because he didn't like the man – Severus was turning out to be a lot more complex than he'd ever thought possible – but because no matter how much he tried to forget about it, Snape's declaration kept popping into his brain at the most inopportune moments. Logically, he understood why he couldn't seem to forget about that little speech. He knew he wasn't interested in Severus beyond that base attraction, but Sirius's actions had brought about rather a lot of unavoidable self-doubt, and Severus's assumed interest was like a soothing balm to the wound. It was silly, he knew it was, but he also knew that he would need to speak to the wizard about it, if only to get the bafflingly pleasing statement off his mind.

Now was not the time, however. As the welcoming feast commenced, ending an hour later with the Heads and Prefects leading their houses back to their dorms, Remus made sure to keep an eye on Snape. The Potions Master already had enough on his plate.

After all, Remus knew _exactly_ what it felt like to be judged by the wizarding community at large because of a part of you that you had no control over. Though he'd never spoken of it, going by what he'd figured out in school and by what the world now knew about Severus, the werewolf thought it was pretty safe to assume that the wizard hadn't even considered _not _becoming a spy for the Order when Dumbledore had asked. Snape wasn't at fault for the things he'd done to protect his cover and to bring the light side the information they'd needed, but after their world had found out about his role in the war, getting bitten by Nagini and somehow surviving the encounter, and then about how he'd provided Harry with the missing pieces of the puzzle, all while struggling to live through a poisonous bite… everyone had basically gone mad.

For an intensely private person like Severus Snape, the attention – both the nosiness and the unfair judgement – would've been severely hard to handle. Not that he'd ever let anyone know that, of course. With Snape's bitter, hardheaded personality, Remus knew he wouldn't at all appreciate being watched over.

That didn't mean Remus still didn't do it. As the school term progressed, Remus found himself watching out for the man more than he probably should've. They still hadn't had a chance to experiment more – with marking, planning lessons, student meetings and queries, teaching certainly wasn't a standard nine to five job – but Remus saw the other wizard quite a lot. He wasn't sure how it started, this trying to shield the man from the gossip still making the rounds amongst the students, and on a larger scale, their parents. He couldn't say _why_ it started either. It wasn't as if they were friends.

All he knew was that Severus deserved to be rightfully hated for his teaching style and the way he treated his students, _not_ for the things he'd done during the war. Which led to Remus patrolling the dark corridors of the dungeons to waylay parent-influenced students intent on making the Potion Master's life as hard as possible, or making sure Minerva had all of Snape's mail checked for howlers, jinxes, or things even worse.

The students had been back at school for two weeks before Remus had any significant interaction with Snape. He was in the library on a Saturday morning, trying to distract himself from the awful dull throbbing in his chest by surveying a group of whispering students sitting on the other side of the room. The full moon had been the night before, and though Remus had been taking his wolfsbane in the week leading up to it, it had still been one of the worst he'd experienced.

Physically, he was fine. He had been in control, after all. But as that moon had been the first one he'd spent completely alone in five years…

Emotionally, he was a right mess.

Making sure the students didn't succeed with what they were clearly planning as they threw dark glances towards the stacks, where Remus knew Severus was researching, was better than wallowing in the dark, closed up in his quarters.

"You Gryffindors really don't know the definition of subtle, do you?"

The low voice startled Remus enough that he jumped in his seat. Head shooting around, he met the calm eyes of one Severus Snape, an eyebrow raised in question. Remus blinked a couple of time to get his bearings, wondering how the wizard had managed to sneak up on him.

"What do you mean?" he asked, frowning. Severus's answering snort was almost silent.

"Do you have some free time?" he enquired in lieu of answered. Remus's frown deepened and he nodded his head.

"Good. I would like to do another experiment, if you're willing?"

"Now?" Remus questioned a little warily. He really didn't want any hallucinations of his ex making another appearance. That had been hard enough the first time. Seeing Sirius now would probably break him.

"Yes," Snape answered with a nod. "If we do it now, I can spend the afternoon recording and studying the results. It'll be a lot more controlled this time, so you won't have to worry about any unexpected ramifications. We'll be using less than an eighth of the amount and the rest will be locked away where you won't be able to get to it."

A slight hint of a smirk accompanied that last statement. Remus's eyes narrowed.

"It only happened that way last time because you were careless," he pointed out, voice a little stiff. The hint grew.

"Whatever you say, wolf. I'll come to your quarters in thirty minutes."

"My quarters?" Remus repeated, trying his best to ignore the way his stomach had jumped at the way Snape had drawled 'wolf'. "You don't want to be in your lab?"

"No," Snape answered, his face smoothing out into a professional, almost scientific expression. "You need to be comfortable to get the best results. You wouldn't be comfortable in my lab. I'll meet you at your rooms in half an hour."

He turned and swept from the room, his work robes billowing behind him. Remus watched him go with a bemused look in his eyes. He'd never seen Snape look so… proficient. It was a bit unsettling, to be honest.

With a sigh, he dragged himself from his chair and made his own way out of the library. If he was having a guest in half an hour, he'd definitely have to make it look like he hadn't been floundering it misery for the past few days.

Remus grimaced, his hand pressed under his breastbone. He could tidy his quarters easily enough, but he didn't think he'd be able to do anything about the ache in his heart.

~0~

"First, we will have to record the way you are feeling at the moment, so that when I ask you the same question when you're under the plant's influence, I have sufficient data to compare the two emotional states," Snape explained, standing over by the window while Remus sat on the couch, his fingers clenching and unclenching nervously on his knees. Snape had his wand out and was pointing it at a leather bound journal sitting on the writing desk, a quill hovering in the air above it, ready to start scrawling. Glancing back in Remus's direction, he slipped his wand away and straightened his robes. "What is your emotional state presently? And do be honest. The data must be as accurate as possible."

Remus choked slightly on the laughter that bubbled in his throat, feeling his lungs squeeze in accompaniment. Merlin, he really didn't want to answer that question. So instead, he asked a question of his own.

"Hold on, we can't go any further until I know whether this stuff's going to be addictive or not," he protested. "We're both aware of the way I acted when I first caught scent of this plant. What's not to say that after I do this, I won't wake up tomorrow and storm your quarters to get to it again?"

"I assure you, you won't. It isn't in my quarters anymore," Snape answered evenly, a corner of his mouth twitching just a touch when Remus's brows shot up. "I learn from my mistakes, Lupin. I never intended for the plant to remain in the school once the students had arrived. If I'd known your reaction to its influence was going to be as volatile as it was, it would have never been here in the first place. The plant will remain off the premises, and I will only ever bring back as much as needed. This I guarantee."

"All right, that's fair. But that doesn't tell me anything about its addictive qualities."

"I do not believe it has any," Snape answered thoughtfully. He held up his hand when Remus opened his mouth to dispute that claim. "Let me clarify that. We know that fully transformed werewolves are drawn to it, just as you've proved that their human counterparts are as well. But you must consider the cycle of the moon. The first time you were exposed to the plant, you were halfway through your cycle, and though the wolf wasn't particularly close to the surface, it was still significantly closer than it is now. The full moon was last night, was it not? Well," he continued when Remus nodded, "the wolf is as far away from your human consciousness as it possibly can be at the moment. With everything I've observed in the village the plant is from and the way the werewolves reacted around it, I believe that I'm safe in theorizing that because of that, the plant will have next to no draw for you. It is your wolf that's drawn to it, after all."

"So you're saying that it won't be addictive at this point of the month? What about the other three weeks?"

Severus grimaced. "I'm afraid that the only way to find that out is to test it."

"Of course it is," Remus groaned. "All right then, let's get this over with, shall we?"

"You still haven't told me your emotional state," the Slytherin pointed out. Remus scowled, his eyes dropping to the cushion underneath him, where his fingers were absently picking at a stray thread.

"At the moment? I feel wretched. I'm tired and sad and abysmally lonely. That good enough?"

He lifted his head when Snape didn't answer, to find the other man watching him steadily. As always, it was impossible to read the expression in those dark eyes.

"Right. Well, since you inhaled the scent last time, it seems wise to continue in the same vein," he finally said, reaching for the portable potions kit he'd brought with him. He unfolded it and withdrew a small velvet drawstring bag. Pulling it open, he approached the couch and held it out to Remus, pulling back when the werewolf tried to take it out of his hands. "This stays with me, Lupin. It's safer that way. Just sniff."

Snorting under his breath, Remus rolled his eyes and leaned forward, noting as he got closer that all he could smell was the velvet of the bag. That changed the instant Snape moved the bag under his nose and he drew a breath in.

The same intoxicating scent, albeit a lot weaker, flooded Remus's senses and the affects were immediate. His head swam, the world fluttering and spinning, his vision rippling. Everything sprang into sharp focus before blurring around the edges, and Remus sat back, the bag under his nose gone.

"How do you feel?"

The voice warbled and echoed. Remus blinked, trying to make sense of what he was seeing and feeling.

"I. I don't know. It's strange. I don't. What?" He frowned as something began to build inside him. "What's that? I don't. What? It's not… oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh God, oh God, _oh sweet Merlin!"_

"Lupin! What's wrong?"

It hit him in a crushing wave. A deep, endless pit formed in his centre, dark and hollow and empty. The blackness swarmed and grew, suffocating him, the sadness he'd been feeling intensified threefold by the effects of the plant. Remus's breath shortened, his hand clutching at his chest. His heart was beating; he knew his heart was beating.

So why did it feel like there was an empty, vacant cavern where that muscle used to be?

"It emphasizes… what I'm originally… feeling," he managed to push out through the hollowness. Snape cursed softly.

"I should have thought of that. You need to distract yourself. Concentrate on something, Lupin. Something in the room. Focus on your bookcase. Count the books."

Turning his head took serious effort that didn't pay off, as a spell of dizziness washed over the werewolf, his body unable to acclimatize to the rippling in his vision.

"Can't. Not… in the room."

"Then close your eyes and concentrate on the back of your eyelids."

Doing as suggested proved to be much easier. With his eyes closed, Remus was able to concentrate all his attention on not seeing anything at all, and the dull, screaming hum in his chest faded somewhat with the deliberately chosen distraction. It didn't go away completely. Neither did the loneliness. Remus gritted his teeth and resisted the urge to try to press the pain away, as he tried to do every time it made an appearance.

One thing was for certain. He was _not_ going to do this again while in severe emotional turmoil. The way the plant was emphasizing his loss was killing him.

"I do believe we've done all we can at this time."

Snape's quiet voice filtered through the hurt tearing at his insides, and Remus slowly opened his eyes again to find the other wizard watching him with little to no expression. Remus stared back silently and then dipped his head, the gentle buzzy blurring at the edges of his vision wobbling with the movement. He found that if he focused on a single thing and didn't try to take in the whole room, it wasn't nearly as bad. The other man got up and began to clean up his equipment, and Remus watched him without saying a word.

"As it was a very small dose, it should wear off shortly. It'll take me some time to analyse the data, so I don't see us needed to do another experiment for a while. We will eventually need to try it during your wolfsbane week, but we'll need to do a lot more preparation before we attempt that-"

A loud banging cut Snape off. Remus's head swung towards the door, gulping at the wobbling, his thought processes slower than normal as the banging seemed to echo through his head like a gong. He blinked a couple of times, reaching a hand for his head when the banging happened again, louder and more frantic.

_Maybe I should answer that?_ he wondered, bending his knees to get to his feet. He blinked again when the door suddenly opened, Snape's hand on the door handle.

_When did he move? And hold on, these are my rooms, I should be answering the… no._

His thoughts died, unfocused eyes locked on the doorway. A small, distant part of his brain acknowledged how strange it was to actually feel the colour drain from his face. It couldn't be.

Was he hallucinating again?

"Snivellus? What the fuck are you doing here? Where's Remus? Moony? Moony!"

"Is this real?"

Both the men at the door turned in Remus's direction at the hoarse question. Snape's mouth was pulled into an irritated line, a sneer lighting his eyes.

"Unfortunately, Lupin, yes it is. He's busy at the moment, Black. Come back another time. Or never."

"Why is Remus asking if something's real?" Sirius demanded, dark hair swinging as red-rimmed, unusually dark grey eyes spat detestation at the man blocking his way. "What's wrong with him? Are you all right, Remus? You bastard, what the hell did you do to him? Get out of my way!"

He shoved hard at Severus's shoulder, trying to push his way into the room. The potions professor, however, stood his ground, only backing up a step or two.

"You are not getting in here unless Remus wants you in here, Black, and at the moment, he isn't in any type of condition to make an informed decision. I suggest you back down. Now."

"Remus? _Remus?_ You greasy little cum stain, what give you the right to address him in such a friendly manner? If you've hurt him, I'll rip you to pieces with my bare hands-"

"I'm fine, Sirius."

Getting slowly to his feet, Remus walked over to the doorway and gently took the door from Severus's grip, inching his way in front of the other man. Snape snarled under his breath, but stepped back, turning to stalk back into the room while Remus focused on his unexpected visitor, using the distraction to, in essence, sober himself up. Sirius's drawn face swam a little in his vision, but soon settled into its familiar lines.

The sorrow still scorched, but that was to be expected.

"Moony? You okay? Why is he here? Did he hurt you?"

"No, Severus didn't hurt me. We're testing something. Why are you here, Sirius?"

"I needed to see you," the animagus answered, eyes suddenly reflecting the desperation coating his tone. "I need to talk to you, Remus, please, I need your- Moony, are you _high?"_

Acting far too quickly for Remus dulled senses to predict, Sirius rocketed into the room, his wand in his hand and pointed directly at Snape's throat. "You _drugged_ him? You perverted arsehole, you're _never_ going to get what you want! I'll kill you before you get anywhere _near_ him, I swear I will-"

"Sirius! He didn't drug me, put the wand away!"

"Your eyes are unfocused and cloudy, your scent is off, and you're moving like you haven't any working joints!" the wizard snarled, hands trembling and eyes wild, spittle escaping with every syllable. Snape watched him warily, something shifting through his gaze that Remus couldn't identify. His wand stayed tucked in his robes. "Of course he fucking drugged you! I won't let him get away with it; he's the same person he always was, looking at you like he had the right to even _think_ about touching you, I'll end him before he can put his plan into action-"

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Sirius, _I took the drug willingly! _I just said we were testing something, didn't I? Put your wand away and calm down, or I'll _make_ you!"

Sirius's wand arm dropped like a rock to his side. His body turning on his heel towards Remus, rage draining abruptly from his face and making it open and vulnerable as he eyed the wand in Remus's hand in disbelief.

"You'd use that one me, Remus?" he whispered, sounding like a young boy who'd just been betrayed by someone he'd known and trusted his whole life. The trembles in his hands developed into shakes, making him shake his wrists and fold his arms, unfold them, and then fold them again. His hands stayed hidden in his armpits, his body shifting weight from one foot to the other and back again, his eyes jerking up from Remus's hand to find the werewolf's gaze. "You wouldn't use that on me."

Remus sighed and stowed his wand. "You said you needed to talk to me?" he questioned, ignoring that comment. Sirius blinked and then threw Severus a black look.

"Not with _him_ here."

"We were just finishing anyway. Severus, we'll discuss the results at a later date."

The words were a blatant dismissal, one that clearly insulted Snape. He stiffened and a sneer pulled at his lips, a scathing reply on the tip of his tongue – until he met Remus's eyes. The insult deflated, his face settling into unsurprisingly guarded lines.

"You are still not yourself," he commented, dark eyes flicking to Sirius, who bared his teeth at him. Remus shook his head.

"It's wearing off. I'll be fine. You should go."

"Yeah, piss off, Snivellus. You aren't welcome here."

The sneer reappeared. Looking like he wanted to curse Sirius into another dimension, Severus finished packing up his equipment and strode across the room. He stepped into the doorway and then stopped, looking back over his shoulder at Remus.

"Remember, Lupin, you and the mongrel are no longer together. You do not have to go running every time he crooks his finger."

With that statement, he swept out of the room, the door closing solidly behind him.

"Arsehole."

"Tell me what you wanted, Sirius," Remus sighed, turning from the door and facing his ex, the edges of his vision wobbling disconcertedly. Okay, so maybe it was _quite_ wearing off yet. "I've got papers to grade this afternoon. And how did you get in the school, by the way?"

The words seemed to send the other wizard into somewhat of a panic. His hands fluttered up, dropped to his sides, and then lifted again to tug at his hair, before rubbing over his mouth. A weird kind of groaning noise escaped through his lips and then he was pacing, striding from one end of the room to the other in a flurry of movement.

"Okay. Okay. So here it is. Last night. Last night wasn't good. Not good at all. I hated it. All alone when I should have been with you, but I knew you didn't want me with you, and that's not right. That's very wrong. It's too much. The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. And he's right, you'll do it. You can't not do it. And I miss you. So I'm here. I'm asking. It can be fixed. We can fix it. It can be better. All I need to do is ask, just like he said. I'm asking. I'm asking."

He spun around and stared at the werewolf, eye pleading. "Remus, I'm asking."

Confused over the rambling sentences, which in his drugged state were even worse than they should be, Remus frowned. "Sirius, you're not making any sense. Asking what?"

"For your help. I'm asking for your help. You'll help me, won't you?"

The earnest expression on the animagus's face made Remus's chest tighten. He stared back at the other man, the sorrow the plant had made him feel so much more keenly swelling in his throat and prickling at the back of his eyes. He didn't know exactly what Sirius was asking for, what the wizard wanted him to help him with, but the thought of being around him, of lessening the horrible scorching sorrow, of falling back into the long-held habit of being right there whenever the man he loved needed him, no questions asked, was all but impossible to resist.

And ultimately, that was the reason why his _did_ resist.

He was supposed to be concentrating on his own life. Putting himself first, not Sirius. He needed to get his life, his _heart_, sorted out before he could even think about maybe having Sirius around again. Yes, he'd acknowledged that one day he probably be able to be friends with his ex-best mate again, but that day was still a long way off. If he did what Sirius was asking him to do, whatever he was asking him to do, he'd just end up hurting even more. And this time…

This time, Remus wasn't sure he'd live through it.

"No."

Sirius blinked. "What?"

"No," Remus repeated, the words lead weights on his tongue. "No. I won't help you, Sirius. I can't."

Time stood still. Then, that little boy's voice cracked the ice.

"You won't help me?"

"I _can't_," Remus rasped, breath hitching in his throat, guilt churning thick as molasses through his gut, burning like acid where ever it touched. "We aren't together anymore. You need to learn to take care of yourself. I can't be at your beck and call day and night, can't be the person you come to, the person you lean on. I wouldn't survive… I can't. I'm sorry. I can't."

The dark-haired man stared blankly. Remus swallowed, then swallowed again, mouth dusty dry. Parched. He watched Sirius as his ex continued to stare, the blankness heavy, though eventually his body began to move. He spasmed, shoulders jerking, legs and arms twitching, neck stretching, as if he was breaking from a shell. His mouth opened.

"You won't help me."

Remus frowned, gaze sharpening at the tone. On closer inspection, Sirius's eyes weren't blank. They were… empty?

"You won't. You won't help me. You won't. I told you, didn't I? I told you he wouldn't. I was right. He won't help. He won't. You won't. No one will. I'm alone. Have to go. Yes, I have to go."

"Sirius, what…?" Remus began, concern flooding him at the rambling, jerky words that ran together, the empty eyes. But before he could say anything else, Sirius turned and began to head for the door, mouth still moving as he muttered to himself. He took ten steps before he halted again, back going rigid. Remus couldn't stop himself from following, stopping just out of arms reach.

"Sirius? Are you all right?"

"You're right. There was always one thing. One thing neither of us could resist. One thing no one else could do for you. Just me. Only me. You might. Yes, you might."

The words still ran together, fumbling and overlapping each other, and Remus only just had enough time to straighten out and piece together what he'd said, before Sirius swung around, grabbed the lapels of his sweater, jerked him forward and crushed his lips to Remus's.


	14. Taking

**Precious**

Disclaimer: *scoffs loudly* Of course not.

**Chapter Fourteen – Taking**

_The words still ran together, fumbling and overlapping each other, and Remus only just had enough time to straighten out and piece together what he'd said, before Sirius swung around, grabbed the lapels of his sweater, jerked him forward and crushed his lips to Remus's._

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><p><strong>AN - WARNING! This chapter contains sexual content, as well as what could be considered dubious consent.**

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><p>The moment their lips met, it was as if a beast woke in Remus's chest. Or maybe his beast <em>did<em> wake, despite it being the day after the full moon. The wolf should've been sunk deep within Remus's consciousness, as buried as it could be without not being there at all; but with the touch, the draw, the _demand_ of Sirius's mouth on his, unexpected but far from unwanted, an inferno blazed to life in Remus's belly. The wolf lifted its head, bared its teeth and _snarled_, and Remus's hands snapped up to knot in Sirius's hair, a rumbling groan building as he yanked the animagus's head to the side, baring his throat, and physically took control of the kiss.

Taken by surprise, Sirius's breath caught abruptly, his mouth dropping open just a little, and Remus took full advantage. Leaving one hand tangled in those thick, familiar locks, the other streaked down to grip Sirius's chin, his thumb pressing against it and pulling his jaw down, his tongue scraping over the slightly parted seam of his lips before invading his mouth entirely when the force of his thumb opened Sirius's mouth further. Sirius whimpered and pushed himself up against Remus in a straining movement, his own tongue reaching eagerly for Remus's, and it was both that needy little sound, and the feel of his ex's uneven fingernails digging through his sweater into his shoulders that took Remus straight from half-hard to fully, achingly erect.

A change that wasn't missed by Sirius.

He jerked, a groan escaping both men when their hips made contact, then pressed closer. Distracted and pushed off balance, Remus stumbled back, their lips parting, the backs of his legs hitting the sofa, his body folding down onto it. Sirius followed blindly, falling down beside him, and their mouths joined again almost instantly. This kiss was no less desperate than the last, though the need to dominate seemed to have faded. Maybe the wolf had gotten what it'd wanted in the first kiss. Remus didn't know and didn't particularly care. He was concentrating on the way their tongues were dancing, lips pressing and gliding, the lust boiling, making the sandy-haired wizard pant and groan, and even whine when Sirius broke the kiss and ducked his head to latch onto Remus's throat.

"Fuck," he hissed, chin lifting to allow better access. Sirius mumbled something in reply and ran his tongue over Remus's Adam's apple, forming a seal around it with his lips and sucking hard, making the werewolf's hips jerk up sharply as visions of Sirius doing exactly the same thing to his cock danced through his head. He groaned again and Sirius chuckled, the vibrations passing through Remus's throat and sinking downwards, humming around his racing heart. He sighed when Sirius's fingers skipped down his chest to shove up his sweater and play across his jumping stomach muscles.

"Gods, I want you," the animagus muttered against Remus's throat, hands pushing up all the way under the werewolf's sweater, dragging the pads of his fingers over Remus's nipples before slowly gliding back down, tracing along a particularly large scar, to flicker over the button of his slacks. Remus's hips jerked a second time, a low moan escaping when the bulge in his slacks bumped Sirius's hand. The breath stuttered in Sirius's throat and his mouth drew back, his body moving closer to the other wizard's. He leant in and took Remus's earlobe between his teeth, his hands still playing with the button, his own clothed erection pressed against the outside of Remus's leg.

"Do you want me too, Moony?" he whispered in a voice that broke, hot breath against Remus's ear, hips arching into Remus's thigh. "Do you want this? I know you do. You always do. It's only me that makes you feel this way. It's always only me. Always. Only me."

"Sirius," Remus groaned, one hand scrambling for purchase on the sofa cushion while the other plucked at the suddenly still fingers on the button, trying to get them to undo it, or move so he could, or do _something._ "Please."

"Please what?" Sirius grunted, still pressing his groin into Remus's thigh in an almost involuntarily movement. He hissed and his hips swivelled, hand spasming under Remus's. "What do you want?"

"You know what I want," Remus muttered, teeth clenched, his other hand joining the first.

"I do. I do. It's me you want, isn't it, Moony? You want me to touch you. Do you want me to touch you, Remus? Do you want my fingers? My palm? My touch? Do you want my touch, Remus? Do you?"

He leant in again, his tongue darting out to lick along the shell of Remus's ear, his hips still moving while his hand remained still on the button of the werewolf's slacks, no matter how much Remus fought with it.

"Do you want my hand wrapped around your cock, Remus? It'd be so good. I can make it so good for you. My hand sliding steadily slick and fast on your cock, my mouth on yours swallowing your cries and moans as my fingers make you jerk and arch and fly. Make you come. Do you want that, Remus? Do you want to come? Do you? _Do you?"_

"_Yes!"_

A buoyant laugh escaped Sirius at the snarl and then his hand was moving, batting Remus's aside, flicking the button from its hole and dragging the zipper down. His fingers burrowed inside and a long, drawn-out hiss echoed through the room when those eager fingers glided down Remus's length and wrapped firmly around him, drawing him out into the open air. The animagus glanced down at his hand around Remus and his lips parted a little, a breathy whimper falling from them as his hips gave an extra sharp snap.

Sirius looked up, deep, molten silver eyes meeting blazing green, and then his hand began to move.

Remus moaned, vision wobbling, his head falling back against the top of the sofa, eyes falling shut. It was… perfect. Sirius knew just how to touch him. Always had. His thumb slid over Remus's increasingly weeping tip, pressing into the slit and spreading the natural lubrication, then took up a steady rhythm. The air grew thick and syrupy and Remus panted as his hips thrust in time with Sirius's hand and hips, the dark-haired wizard grunting the faster he thrust against Remus's thigh. Remus's eyes opened again, vision rippling, and he reached out to draw Sirius's chin up, his mouth reaching for the other wizard's. Sirius's lips parted eagerly under his and their tongues swept smoothly over each others, their snogging growing more frantic the closer they both got.

"I love you. I love you so much."

Remus wasn't sure if it was him or Sirius that said it. But it didn't matter because the words went straight to his heart and his groin, drawing a cry, the room wavering, colours flickering and pulsing-

_Wait. Colours?_

Why was he physically seeing colours _before_ he'd come?

The room rippled again in answer and Remus swore loudly, viciously, snatching himself away from Sirius, stumbling up from the sofa and tripping clumsily across the room. He landed against the wall by the door, his shoulder hitting hard. Grunting at the impact, he turned and pressed his forehead against the stone, his eyes squeezed shut tight as he drew in deep lungful's of oxygen, trying to slow his pounding heart and rushing blood.

_Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Sweet Merlin._ _Fuck. Why? Why me? Bloody fucking Snape. I'll kill him. Fuck. Shit. Shit._

"Remus?"

_Fuck!_

"Get out."

The surprise from the other side of the room was almost solid in its limitlessness.

"W-what?"

"I said get out, Sirius. Leave."

"Leave? Moony, I don't… I don't understand. Did I do something wrong?"

Remus's laughter held a hysterical edge. His eyes opened against his will and he groaned, as the first thing he saw was his erection still standing proudly, deeply red and gleaming with the pre-come Sirius had used to jack him off. With a growl, he reached down to tuck himself back away, hissing and biting him bottom lip as he very carefully drew the zipper back up. He didn't even bother with the button.

Fucked if he wasn't going to have blue balls from this. The thought only pissed him off more.

"Moony? What's the matter? I know you were enjoying yourself; we both were-"

"Shut _up_, Sirius!" Remus growled, turning around to glare, his bones burning. "Didn't I tell you to leave? You shouldn't have come here in the first place! What the fuck made you think you had the right to kiss me like that? We aren't together any longer!"

Grey eyes widened, that lost little boy vulnerability surging into them. "Remus, I-"

"You just won't leave it alone, will you? You always have to push! Do I need to spell it out? I do not want you! I do not need you! _I do not love you!_"

His heart was screaming again. The words were bodily painful to say, the lie carving into him and making him bleed. He didn't even know why he'd said them. He was just so angry at being made to feel things he was trying to put behind him, at having a goddamn _drug_ strip his inhibitions and emphasize the desire caused by a kiss he should've been able to stop before it'd really started. In the silence left by his entirely false statement, he stared across the room at the man leaning forward on the sofa, once again trying to fight past the tightness in his chest and catch his breath.

It became exponentially harder when he saw the light fade from Sirius's eyes.

They went hard as stone. Slate grey. Cold. The dark-haired wizard rose slowly to his feet, his hands clenched at his side, jaw tight. He stepped forward in a movement that Remus didn't see, and the werewolf blinked to suddenly find him a hair's breadth away.

"That's a fucking lie, Lupin. You can tell yourself you don't need me, but I _know_ you want me," his hand shot down and Remus took a hasty step to the side before it got too far south. Sirius smirked and folded his arms. "And love? Bugger off. You're always going to love me, no matter how hard you try not to. Always. Just as I'll always love you."

He turned and walked away from Remus, grasping the handle and pulling the door open. It slammed behind him and Remus stood in the abruptly empty room, the spicy/tangy scent of his mate – a scent that carried an earthier, baser undertone at the moment – lingering in the air. Loneliness swamped him with the emptying of the room, sinking his shoulders and twisting his chest. Doing his best to shake it off, he let out a gusty sigh and finally stepped away from the wall, hissing between his teeth when his slacks chafed. The heel of his hand pressed against his chest, he glared down at the tent.

He was still painfully hard. And it looked like he was going to stay that way until the effects of the plant wore off or he took care of the problem himself.

Sirius's breathy grunts, jerking hips and speeding hand flashed through his head. Remus groaned as his cock throbbed, his chest echoing its own type of ache. It'd be easier – not to mention quicker with the way he was feeling – if he took care of it himself, but to do that he'd have to let his imagination have its head and…

No. Sirius didn't deserve to be the star of his fantasies. Moreover, wasn't he trying to put his life with Sirius in the past? Imagining driving himself into the man wouldn't help him achieve that at all.

_So let him drive into you, then._

Remus growled and shook his head, then growled louder when his vision wobbled. Fucking _plant!_ It was the reason things had gotten so out of hand! Christ, he'd _thrown_ himself at Sirius! Because of that plant, a single kiss had packed one massive punch, much more than it should've! And then they'd… and then they'd…

He bared his teeth and began to pace, swearing steadily as his palms rubbed along his thighs, fingers curling inwards, before he clenched his fists and whipped his hands behind his back. The edges of his vision shuddered as he moved and the anger grew, battling the desire for pride of place.

Fuck the plant. Fuck Snape and his experiments. Nothing good had come of them and he bloody well _refused_ to continue to put himself through the emotional torture that seemed to come with inhaling those fucking fumes. Snape could go jump off a bloody cliff. The wolfsbane worked, why did they need to-

_Knock, knock._

Remus spun around and glowered at the door. Who the fuck was that? If Sirius was back… Merlin, maybe he shouldn't answer it.

_Knock, knock. _"Lupin? Are you in?"

_Snape!_

Remus yanked the door open. Severus stood calmly on the other side, his black eyes sliding over the room, in search of something.

In search of Sirius.

"He's gone? Good. I wanted to check to see if the effects had worn off. I'm not exactly sure how long it should last. Are you still under the influence?"

The anger and desire melded into one. "Yes," Remus snapped, then grabbed a handful of Snape's robes and pulled him into the room, shoving him against the wall. The Potion Master's eyes widened with surprise.

"Lupin, just what do you think you are doing-"

Remus shut him up by kissing him. He packed all the residue emotion into the kiss, slanting his mouth over Snape's roughly. It took a moment for the other wizard to kiss him back, but when he slowly began to, Remus groaned into his mouth and pushed his robes off, scrambling for the buttons of shirt.

Snape pulled back at that.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting what I'm owed," Remus muttered, focusing on his fingers. His vision warbled at the edges, random colours popping, when Snape dragged his head up by his hair.

"Remus. What happened while that mutt was here?"

"Nothing, it doesn't matter," the werewolf replied, heart racing. He was pressed right up against Snape, and all he had to do to get what he needed… his hips arched and he whimpered. Snape's brows shot to his hairline and his eyes kindled. "Please, can we not talk about that? Not now. I just… I need… fuck, I…" He pushed against the other man again and stars burst at the friction. "_Fuck."_

His mouth gaped, nostrils flaring, and limonene and cinnamon sticks with a thick, delicious undertone flooded his head. Said head jerked to the sofa while the lust roared, and Remus shot back and grabbed Snape's arm, tugging at it.

"Not here. Come with me."

Snape watched him silently, his body held tense. Remus frowned.

"You want this. Here's your chance. Are you a Slytherin or not?"

Something flashed through Snape's eyes, but other than that, his expression remained the same. They stared at each other, and after a moment, Remus tugged on his arm again. Aiming for his bedroom, he pulled the other man across the room.

The Potions Master followed without saying a word.

~0~

Sometime later, Remus sat on the end of his bed, elbows on his knees, face in his hands. He was wearing only his wrinkled slacks that he'd hastily pulled on when he'd scrambled out of the bed, and still in the bed behind him, a torso rose smoothly up and down in sleep, covers draped over Snape's side. The wizard had dropped into sleep immediately afterwards and had been asleep for a while, contrasting Remus, who'd only dozed for ten or so minutes before his brain had decided to fret him fully awake. The Slytherin Head of House was showing Remus his back, which the werewolf found a good thing, as he didn't think he could handle looking at Snape's face at the moment, even when he wasn't awake and aware.

The guilt churned sickly in his stomach. Remus groaned silently and scrubbed at his eyes, trying to alleviate the dry, prickly feeling. What had he done? No, he knew what he'd done; the real question was, why had he done it? He wasn't interested in Snape! The man was his colleague and could maybe be his friend – _maybe_ – but he wasn't a romantic interest, and he certainly wasn't a romantic _conquest!_ Remus had been horny, sure, and pissed off, but that didn't give him the right to use the man, no matter if he fancied him a little or not!

When had he turned into someone who got off with the first available body? For fuck's sake, when had he turned into _Sirius?_

Sirius. The guilt swelled, greasy and thick, and his chest burned. Remus pushed himself off the bed and hurried across to his trunk, shoving the lid up and digging inside for the packet of cigarettes he kept there. He crushed the box in his hand in his haste, but he eventually managed to tug one out. A quick mutter of a wandless incantation and he was bringing the butt to his lips and drawing in a drag.

The chemicals that invaded his body did nothing for the guilt, but did somehow make it easier to comprehend. Remus breathed the smoke out and took another pull, his muscles relaxing with each puff.

It felt like he'd cheated. He let out a silent snort of laughter at the absurdity of the feeling, knowing in his head that it wasn't true. He and Sirius weren't a couple any longer, and even when they had been, Sirius had done far worse than a single afternoon shag. But knowing didn't mean he felt any less guilty. Or less disgusted. How could he…? His brain knew the truth, but his heart… he quickly took another drag.

"I can hear you thinking from here."

The quiet, rather dry drawl had Remus tensing. He straightened, not having realized he'd remained bent over after searching his trunk, then swallowed and slowly turned around. Snape was sitting up in the bed, his pale chest on display, watching him. Remus swallowed again and quickly looked away from the sight.

"Er… hello."

A sigh had him glancing back, only to jerk his gaze away once more, cheeks flushing. He'd seen it of course, Snape without a stitch on, but somehow the man climbing out of bed naked was different then when they'd…

Nope. Wasn't thinking about that.

"So the effects have worn off I take it."

Blinking at the observation, Remus chanced another glance, feeling very relieved when he saw the Potions Master was now wearing his trousers and was in the process of doing up the buttons of his shirt. Snape's face was calm and collected, black eyes cool. Remus grimaced and ran a hand through his hair, jolting and letting out a sharp hiss when the ash from his forgotten fag dropped off the end and hit his bare chest. He quickly stubbed it out on the window ledge and reached for his own shirt before looking at Snape again and chewing on his bottom lip. Damn it. He had to do this, didn't he?

"Severus, I-"

"Save the noble speech, Lupin, I am aware that this was a one-time thing," the Slytherin interjected in a level voice, the man sitting on the side of the bed as he did up his shoelaces. "You don't need to act the perfect Gryffindor about it. You got what you wanted and so did I. End of story."

Remus scowled, wishing he still had his smoke. "I'm not acting the perfect Gryffindor about it, but I do owe you an apology. It shouldn't have happened in the first place, but it did, and I'm sorry if I falsely got you hopes…" he trailed off, eyes widening, when Snape shot to his feet, turned and pinned him with the blackest look he'd seen from the man since their days in school.

"Do not presume to know me, wolf," he sneered, eyes cold. "You don't at all. This was a quick fuck to release some tension for both of us, nothing more. I don't want an apology, and if you continue to insist on trying to give me one, all association between us ends here and now."

"Severus, I didn't mean to insult you, I just-"

The door in the living room crashed open with a bang.

"Moony, you here? We need to talk, please, we can sort this out…"

Horror rose in fluid, crushing waves as Remus spun to see Sirius standing stock-still in the doorway of the bedroom. Both he and Snape had their clothes on, but with the rumpled bedding, Remus's still open shirt, Snape's messy bed hair and the heavy scent of sex in the air, it was impossible for the animagus not to realize _exactly_ what was going on. Grey eyes went as round as saucers and then just hollowed out.

Remus took a frantic step forward, unexplainably terrified by that look. He'd thought Sirius's eyes had looked empty earlier, but that was nothing compared to this. Every last little bit of emotion, essence, _life_ seemed to have drained from his ex's eyes, expression going glassy, just as every last little bit of colour had drained from his face. His body went rigid, muscles locking in a way that looked painful, then began to almost vibrate, shivers trembling through his limbs. His hand began to jump against his leg in a rat-a-tat-tat movement that didn't stop, and his lips began to move, repeating something so quietly that even with his werewolf senses, Remus had to get close to hear what he was saying.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…"

"Sirius?" Remus whispered, lifting a slightly shaking hand to the dark-haired wizard's face. This was frightening. "W-what's wrong with you?"

"There's nothing wrong with me, Moony," he answered, his head snapping up so quickly Remus took an instinctive step back. He was speaking normally, a complete contrast to the moment before, though his eyes still… Remus frowned in concern and confusion. "What could possibly be wrong with me? Other than you fucking Snivellus, that is. You fucked him, Remus. You fucked him. You fucked him. You fucked him. You fucked him. You fucked him. You fucked him. You fucked him-"

"BLACK!"

Sirius jolted, eyes shooting to Snape at the shout while Remus's frown deepened, confusion and panic making his heart thud heavily. Severus's expression was impassive, though there was something sharp in his dark eyes.

"You need to go. Now."

"So do you," Sirius answered, and then he began to laugh. He shook his head very much like his dog counterpart, the giggles bouncing through the room, his shoulders shaking. Suddenly his breath began to hitch, the laughter going high and tight and sob-like, and then he abruptly turned and stumbled back through the living room and out the door, hysterical giggles and mutters trailing along behind him.


	15. Breaking

**Precious**

Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to the canon world of Harry Potter.

**Chapter Fifteen – Breaking**

_Suddenly his breath began to hitch, the laughter going high and tight and sob-like, and then he abruptly turned and stumbled back through the living room and out the door, hysterical giggles and mutters trailing along behind him._

* * *

><p><strong>AN - MAJOR WARNING and spoiler alert. There are triggering themes in this chapter, which include references to non-con, physical assault on a minor and Sirius's ultimate mental break. Please bear with me people. Keep in mind that once you've hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up.**

* * *

><p>Remus paced. It had been a week since he'd slept with Snape and Sirius had caught them in the aftermath, and Remus hadn't been able to keep still since. He was worried. He was worried about his relationship with Severus, whom he hadn't seen since he'd tried to convince Remus not to go after Sirius. He was worried about his job that he now felt was threatened because he <em>had<em> gone after Sirius and Minerva had come across the two of them. But most of all he was worried about Sirius. Harry had only been able to speak to Sirius through the floo over the past week, which the young auror wasn't too worried about. At least he was speaking to people, and sounding tired but okay while he was. And if it had been any other time, Remus wouldn't have worried about it either.

But Harry hadn't seen Sirius when he'd come across Remus and Snape, and Harry hadn't seen the frighteningly _opposite_ way he acted when Remus had gone running after him.

"_Sirius, wait!" _Remus had shouted as he'd torn through the halls, startling students with his flapping open shirt and hurried flight. "_Please, let me explain!_"

"_Professor Lupin, I suggest you slow down this instant and dress yourself in a more appropriate manner!"_

Remus had stopped running immediately and winced, turning to watch Professor McGonagall approach him with a stern, thoroughly disapproving look on her face. Her eyes had flicked down to his shirt pointedly and Remus had reached hurriedly for the buttons, cringing at the whispers from the surrounding students.

"_What exactly is the meaning of this? You are a teacher, Professor Lupin! And you, Mr Black! I let you through on the promise that you wouldn't cause a scene, and that ends up being the first thing you do!"_

"_Ah, but I'm not the one causing the scene, am I, Minnie my love?"_

Remus had spun around and gaped at dark-haired wizard casually strolling up behind him. Sirius hadn't looked any worse for wear. At all. In fact, he'd looked completely and utterly _normal_, a direct contrast to when he ran from Remus's rooms sounding far from in his right mind. The abrupt change, the costume of normality that Sirius seemed to have slipped so easily into, it'd scared Remus just as much, if not more, than the dismaying breaks from sanity Sirius had showed in Remus's quarters. He'd continued to wear that costume while Minerva had dressed Remus down, throwing in the occasional smirk and teasing joke, and then had turned and loped off once the headmistress had shooed him away towards her office and the floo he'd apparently come through.

The whole episode had left Remus with the impression that he'd imagined it all. He knew he hadn't, Sirius's behaviour had been too terrifyingly _real_ for his mind to have made it up, but the way he become right again so effortlessly made it seem like Remus was making a mountain out of a molehill. He was still struggling with it a week later, and Snape's words weren't making the dilemma of whether to go check on Sirius any easier to resolve.

"_If you go running after him now, Lupin, you'll make the whole separation null and void," _Severus had said sharply just after Sirius had taken off. _"He's an adult; he doesn't need you hovering around him like a mother hen."_

"_Something's wrong with him!" _Remus had retorted, glaring at the potions professor. Severus had met the glare with a calm look of his own before nodding slowly and walking out into the living room to pick up his robes.

"_Maybe so, but it isn't your problem. You are separated, are you not? Let Potter deal with it. Going after him now will just draw you back in, and frankly, I don't think you'll come out again intact. You're just beginning to learn who you are without Black hanging onto your coattails all the time. Do you want to risk that?"_

The words had only made Remus pause briefly before Sirius's behaviour had sprung into his mind again and he'd followed his ex. Now, they were playing on repeat and Remus really didn't know what to do. Should he physically go make sure the animagus was all right, breaking down wards if he had to and risk being 'drawn back in'? Or should he ignore his instincts and pass Sirius off to Harry? The boy had said Sirius was doing okay. But Harry hadn't seen… Remus sighed and rubbed his aching eyes. It was a conundrum that was causing loss of sleep, which in turn, was affecting his work and his students. That just wasn't acceptable.

What he really needed was someone to discuss it with. Harry was out obviously, as was Snape. Remus shuddered at even the _thought _of going to Severus with this. Which only left three other people, and since one was his boss and the other he still at times, thought of as his student… that only left Dora.

Decision made, Remus left his quarters and made his way through the school, apparating with a _crack_ once he'd passed through the main gates. He appeared on the doorstep of the Hogsmeade branch of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, walked into the shop and up the stairs to the flat above, nodding at the girl behind the counter as he did so. Reaching the top, he knocked briefly on the door, calling out as he opened it.

"Dora, you home? There's something I'd like to talk to you about if you aren't busy- oh hello, Charlie. Sorry, I'll come back later, shall I?"

It was his wolf senses that warned him. His eyes on the redhead in the room, something snicked in his chest, a clamouring beginning in the back of his mind, and when Charlie surged to his feet and roared "you bastard, I'll _kill_ you!", he sighed, closed his eyes and let the punch come.

~0~

The gap between the door and its frame was miniscule, but it was wide enough for large, light green eyes to peer through, the natural colour growing deeper in shade as the shouting in the other room grew louder in volume. Teddy stared in shock and confusion, the horrible, sickening sound of Charlie's fist hitting his father's face sending a burst of fear through the young boy. As Remus reeled back and Teddy's mum tried to get a very angry Charlie to calm down, looking desperate and a little frightened herself, Teddy reached for the handle and jerked the door closed, too panicked to watch anymore.

The closed door didn't muffle the shouting all that much though, and Teddy scrambled over to the squishy sofa and climbed onto it, pushing himself right against the back in a vain attempt to block out the unwanted noise. He didn't know what else to do. Why was Charlie angry? He hadn't been angry when he'd come over. But then Teddy's mum had said something, something about Teddy's dad, and Charlie had looked dumbfounded and had demanded an explanation, which had led to Teddy being sent from the room. Now Charlie was punching Teddy's dad, repeatedly by the sounds of it. Why was Charlie hitting him? Why was Teddy's father _letting_ the redhead hit him? But more importantly, the question that frightened Teddy the absolute most, why was that _word_ being yelled over and over?

Teddy knew what rape was. Before they'd moved to Hogsmeade, he'd gone to school with a girl whose older sister had been raped. The girl's parents had come to collect her and the teacher had sat the rest of the class down and explained in the simplest, gentlest terms possible what had happened. The teacher had ended up getting into a lot of trouble for that. Teddy's mum had gone to meetings that the other kids had whispered about, meetings that had consisted of angry parents shouting at the teacher and the school for not discussing the issue with them before they'd told the children. Some of the parents hadn't wanted their children to know. But Teddy was glad he did know. It was bad, very, very bad, what that man had done to Tammy's sister. Teddy had hoped at the time that the aurors caught the man and made him pay; locked him away in Azkaban for good. No girl should ever be hurt like that. Nobody should be hurt like that at all.

The word filtered through the wall again, and Teddy turned his head and pressed his flushed face into the upholstery, his stomach a twisted snarl of knots. He didn't really understand exactly what was making Charlie so angry, the man was too furious to shout coherent sentences, but Teddy did know that his mother, his father, and that word were involved. It made it sound like… made it sound like… fear, panic and denial scratched long, painfully sharp fingers into his chest, making his heart race uncontrollably. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, tears prickling his eyes.

His father would never do that. Never do something bad. He wouldn't! He was his _dad_! He didn't love his mum like he loved Uncle Padfoot, but he still wouldn't-

Uncle Padfoot.

Next to his father, Uncle Padfoot was Teddy's hero. He was always there when Teddy needed someone to talk to and for whatever reason didn't want to go to his parents. He'd been there when Teddy's mum had realized that the full moon did in fact effect Teddy, making him feel weird and grumpy and hot; he'd even been the one to explain why he felt that way. They'd kept it a secret between the three of them, Padfoot explaining that if Teddy's father knew it would only upset him, and Teddy had felt grown-up and important. And he'd always come over the next day, transform into Padfoot and clamber onto the bed with Teddy, taking Tonks's place so that both Teddy and his mum could get some sleep. The large, black dog then proceeded to lick Teddy's face, making him giggle and wipe away the slobbers before he'd wrap his arms around him and buried his face into Padfoot's fur, the warmth and comfort the dog threw off guiding Teddy into dreamland. It was the only day of the month his mum and his uncle actually got along. It was one of Teddy's favourite days.

He hadn't been over the past couple of months though. Teddy frowned at the thought; hurt adding another uncomfortable twist to the tangle in his gut. He hadn't seen Padfoot at all. He didn't know why his uncle who wasn't really his uncle hadn't come to see him, or why his dad was sad all the time now, but as another shout echoed through the wall, panic eclipsed the hurt and the frightened little boy jumped off the sofa and hurried over to the floo. He had to get Padfoot. He'd always said to come to him if he needed anything, and Teddy really needed his Uncle Padfoot to make the shouting and the anger and that word go away. Padfoot would make it all better. He always did.

Teddy threw the powder, called out the address just like his mum had taught him, and stepped into the flames.

~0~

The first thing Teddy noticed when he tumbled from the floo was the lack of shouting. The silence made him feel better immediately, his stomach unknotting a little. The second thing he noticed was how _heavy_ the silence was, though he couldn't have explained how he knew it was different from normal silence. It just was. His father's and Padfoot's house was rarely silent, especially when his dad wasn't there. Padfoot liked to play the wireless loud, and he usually accompanied the music by singing along at the top of his lungs. It was just… _odd_ for no music to be playing when Teddy knew his uncle was home by himself.

That was something else he couldn't have explained if asked. Teddy had always known if people were around. His mother said not to worry about it, that it was just another one of those things like his and her morphing abilities, and Padfoot had backed her up. Therefore, he knew Padfoot was there, and he knew that something wasn't quite normal. There was a weird feeling in the air. Nerves seized his gut again and he swallowed hard, that tight, teary feeling clogging his throat.

He wanted his uncle.

"Uncle Padfoot?" he called, voice small and timid. "It's Teddy. Where are you?"

There wasn't an answer. Teddy scrubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand and sniffed, stepping further into the silent house. Padfoot was probably in the bedroom. He crept his way through the living room and approached the closed bedroom door, stopping when he heard a muted sound, like muttering, from the other side. He frowned and cocked his head.

Who was Padfoot talking to? There wasn't anyone else there.

"Uncle Padfoot?" he called through the door. His uncle's voice stopped and there was a curiously tense pause.

"Teddy?"

Teddy's sandy-blond brows dipped in concern when Padfoot's voice broke around his name. He sounded sick. He hoped he wasn't sick. Then who would help him?

"Yeah, can you come? Charlie's angry and shouting at dad and I don't-"

"Go home, Teddy!"

The order sounded high-pitched and terrified, and had little effect on a boy whose father was a caring Gryffindor and mother was a daring Hufflepuff. He scowled, concern melding with annoyance because Padfoot wasn't listening to him. Teddy really didn't like it when people didn't listen to him, especially when they were his family. He was eight years old, for Merlin's sake; he wasn't a baby!

"No, you need to come!" he insisted forcefully, hand reaching for the doorknob. "I need you; please come, Padfoot!"

"Edward Remus Lupin, you go home _now!"_

"No! It's not getting any better, Charlie's _hitting_ dad, and you said you'd always come if I needed you! So _come_!" The doorknob turned, the door pulled open and Teddy stopped dead, eyes growing wide with shock.

The room stunk. His nose automatically wrinkled at the stench that was emanating from the man curled up against the wall by the unmade bed. It smelt like Padfoot hadn't washed in weeks, a strong, sharper scent that felt like it should've been familiar to the boy overlaying the smell of body odour. His hair was a tangled mess, his clothes were visibly dirty, and his eyes looked shrunken and old and exhausted and bloodshot and, and…

Mad. Padfoot's eyes looked mad.

"No, no, you can't be here, you can't be, Teddy you need to leave, he can't be, it's not safe, please go, Teddy, please go!"

"You're sick," Teddy whispered, his brain trying to justify what he was seeing. He had to be sick. Because that's the only way Uncle Padfoot would ever look this bad. Ever. "You're really sick. I'll get dad. I'll get-"

"No!" Padfoot barked, making Teddy jump. "I don't need _him. _I don't need him, I don't want him, he doesn't want me, he doesn't love me, he wants Snivellus, he fucked Snivellus, he fucked Snivellus- Teddy? What are you doing here? You shouldn't be here! You need to go!"

_He's sick. He's sick, he's sick, he's sick, he's sick,_ Teddy's mind chanted as Padfoot cringed back against the wall and began tugging at his hair. His heart raced with confusion and distress. He should go. He really should. But that would mean going back to shouting and anger and that _word_, and the thought that maybe his father had- plus, he couldn't leave Padfoot like this.

Could he?

"You should go to St Mungo's," he muttered, taking a step forward as if to help the man up, "that's what mum says you should do when you're sick. You should go to St Mungo's."

Padfoot abruptly surged to his feet. "Stay _away_ from me!" he shouted, his eyes darting around the room widely, and for a moment Teddy wasn't sure if the shout was directed at him. "It's not safe! You need to leave! Leave, Teddy, please!"

"But you need to go to St Mungo's!" Teddy tried, his courage rapidly evaporating when inexplicable rage twisted Padfoot's face into something unrecognizable.

"No! Leave me alone! I'm alone! I'm alone, I'm nothing, I'm alone, I deserve this, I'm nothing, leave me alone, GO AWAY!"

The hand swung out of nowhere and caught Teddy right across the jaw. His body went flying back into the open door, making it crash against the wall with a bang as his tumbled over backwards into the living room, his shockingly loud cry of pain and fright cut off when he hit the floor and lost his breath to the impact. The world blurred, fading to black for just an instant before Teddy managed to draw in a breath, his jaw throbbing. He blinked, shook his head and twisted his torso up until he was looking back over his shoulder at Sirius with wide, devastated eyes, a hand pressed to his jaw and tears streaming silently down his cheeks.

Sirius stared back. His already pale features went bone-white and his legs gave out on him, the madness in his eyes fleeing just enough to allow horror and regret and disgust to shine through. He opened his mouth and then closed it again, no sound coming out; he had no voice to speak. His breath began to hitch and splutter in a continuous rhythm, chest rising and falling as if he'd sprinted a hundred yard dash. A shaking arm lifted and he inched forward on his knees, hand reaching, face straining for Teddy.

He looked utterly terrifying. Teddy whimpered and cringed away from him, scurrying back with a sob, scared beyond belief. Sirius's whole body shook at the retreat, once, then twice; then his eyes clouded again and he folded in on himself, falling back and beginning to rock. His hands yanked viciously at his hair and words babbled out in a seemingly endless stream.

"Oh God, oh God, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sweet Merlin, please help me, I'm so sorry, I'm a monster, please help me, Teddy I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please forgive me, please forgive me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm _sorry, _shut up, you're not real, I can't hear you, shut up, shut up, _shut up!_ What have I done? Fuck off! Leave me alone! I hate you, this is your fault, fuck off, you're not real, get the fuck away from me! SHUT UP!"

He was jerking and spasming and _laughing_, and horror rose fluidly in Teddy, fear compounding it, so that he couldn't help the way he cried in gasping, desperate little sobs, his body shaking. The sound reached Sirius and his head snapped up, and it was the terrifying mixture of both madness and lucidity in his gaze had Teddy scrambling even further away from him, still crying. Sirius's expression crumpled. His hand fisted and began to thump rhythmically against the side of his forehead, steadily getting harder as he stared at the young boy with lost, defeated eyes.

"Fuck, I need help. I need help, please someone help me, please help me, Remus please help me, I need Remus, I need Moony, I need Remus, please, please, please, please help me, please help me, Remus help me, help me, help me, Moony, help me! _Help me!_"

The words died into broken weeping, the man whispering them, then hissing them, then finally screeching them collapsing onto the floor, his fist still hitting his temple. Teddy did the only thing he could. He dragged his body up, fighting off the dizziness from both the panic and the forming bruise on his jaw, and fled through the floo, already screaming a single word by the time he fell in a sobbing heap on the other side.

"DAAADDYYY!"


	16. Denying

**Precious**

Disclaimer: I have no claim over anything Harry Potter related apart from a plot of my own creation.

**Chapter Sixteen – Denying**

_He dragged his body up, fighting off the dizziness from both the panic and the forming bruise on his jaw, and fled through the floo, already screaming a single word by the time he fell in a sobbing heap on the other side. "DAAADDYYY!"_

* * *

><p>The cracks and crevices in a person's hands told a lifelong story that only a few had the privilege of witnessing. Or maybe it was a curse rather than a privilege. Remus sat in an uncomfortable hardback chair in a chilly waiting room at St Mungo's, staring down at his hands, mapping the numerous wrinkles with a blank expression and a horribly tight chest, distantly wondering which one his was.<p>

_A curse. It's always a curse,_ he thought, turning his hands over to study the palms before focusing on the backs again. Large and pale enough that blue veins showed through the skin. Dry to the point of chapped, with broken or blunt fingernails and ink stains dotted here and there. Old, faded scars and one or two still healing. And then there was those wrinkles.

When Remus was a child, he'd been self-conscious about the scars on his hands. The wolf had left his face alone most of the time, for what reason Remus still didn't know. So it was his hands that people saw first, his hands that the wolf attacked and what advertised his affliction to the world. But as he'd gotten older, the wolf had grown more vicious and he began to collect abundant scars, to the point that the ones on his hands, the first ones, were almost forgotten about.

Instead, Remus began to worry about the wrinkles.

He wasn't a particularly vain person. He'd never worried about the marks on his body as a teenager, because he'd never considered anyone _seeing_ the marks on his body. But then he'd turned seventeen and the mating had happened, and Sirius had never had any trouble with his scars.

_They're right sexy, Moony,_ he'd whisper as he'd circle and trace one, eyes dilated and cock standing, just begging for attention. Remus had been more than happy to give it and Sirius that attention, something the animagus had eagerly reciprocated, and the importance of his scars had faded.

The wrinkles had abruptly gained the scar's lost importance after overhearing a conversation between Sirius, Peter and James.

Sirius and he had been together for just over a month, and all four of the sixth-year boys had been in the library, books spread across the table they'd occupied in a pristine picture of dedicated studying. Of course, Remus had been the only one _actually_ studying. Sirius and Peter had been lounging in chairs, books forgotten, engrossed in a story James was telling them, the wild-haired boy having just gotten back to school after a forced trip home over the Easter holidays.

"_It was terrible,"_ he'd groaned, flinging himself back in the chair dramatically as the other two had hung off his every word, _"I had to sit in a room that smelt of old and decay and hold her nasty, scaly hand while her lungs rattled and coughed and she wheezed out the next stubborn breath. Not the way I wanted to spend the hols."_

"_They made you be at her side while she died?" _Peter had asked, his face screwed up in disgust. _"That's gross!"_

"_What's grosser is having to hold her hand!" _Sirius had exclaimed, looking overly horrified. _"Scaly you say? Bet it was claw-like and cold, and wrinkly too! Can you imagine the horrible things those hands would've touched over the years? Wrinkled, ancient skin makes me want to barf! Feel sorry for you, mate!" _

"_By the end of it, I was just wishing that the crotchety old bint would up and cark it already,"_ James had sighed, and Remus had stood, rooted to the spot in the stacks behind the table, staring at his own wrinkled, life-affected hands in a numb sort of dismay, Sirius's words running repeatedly through his head. Lily, who'd he'd encountered in the stacks looking for similar material, had turned a very angry red and had stormed over to the table, calling all three of the boys _"insensitive pigs," _and James _"a prick of epic proportions in particular,"_ before running off in a huff, not realizing that the 'crotchety old bint' had in fact been a friend of James's long dead grandmother who his mother had never liked but felt she still owned loyalty to, and who used to smack all four of the Marauders around the shoulders and knees with a walking cane that she didn't need whenever they gotten within a foot of her. The boys had hated the woman, and Remus would've agree with his mates if he hadn't been frozen where he was, stuck on the 'wrinkled, ancient skin' Sirius had just stated that he disliked so much.

His hands looked like they belonged to someone twenty years his senior. They always had. It wasn't something he could help, and up until then, it wasn't something that had worried him. But Sirius had said…

He'd left the library quickly, and had never told Sirius that he'd overheard the conversation, even when the dark-haired wizard had come looking for him not long after, asking why he'd left so suddenly. The insecurity had faded with a day or two's thought, his boyfriend unknowingly helping the process along when he'd breathlessly pleaded for Remus to touch him during a private moment, but it'd never faded _completely_, popping up at random, inopportune moments over the years, growing stronger as time had affected Remus just like it did everyone.

_There really should be craters in my skin,_ he mused now, his thoughts still whispery and distant as he peered intently down at his hands, counting the wrinkles he'd gained since the last time he'd looked. _Sirius wouldn't like that, would he?_

The thought brought with it a little hiccup of painful laughter, the sound loud in the empty room. His chest pinched tighter with an emotion that took Remus a moment to recognize, even though he'd been feeling it - doing his best to distract himself from it - since Teddy had come tumbling back through the floo with a bruised jaw and wide, puffy red eyes, bawling his name.

Anger spewed red hot through his stomach, camouflaging something else that he didn't want to think about, and Remus pressed his lips together until they hurt and glared at the wall as his thoughts crystalized, jaw clenching, the hands he'd been staring at balling into white-knuckled fists. He shouldn't _be_ there. Not _there._ He _should_ be with his son, comforting the boy, holding him, making sure he was _safe._ Sirius had… Sirius had… and he was here now because of some _stupid_ sense of loyalty that was _utterly_ misplaced after what Sirius had done-

A growl reminiscent of the wolf rumbled in his chest, and then Remus was off the chair and pacing, his skin feeling like it was crawling. He knew he should be feeling something other than just anger. Sadness, guilt, horror; they should all be featuring after what he'd seen and heard when he'd managed to make sense of his son's sobbing babbles and had thrown himself through the floo to his old home, so furiously angry that he couldn't see straight. He knew he probably would be feeling them at some point. But at the moment, all he could see was that darkening of his son's jaw.

Sirius had… Sirius had… Sirius had _hit_ Teddy.

Sirius had hit his son.

He didn't realize he was shaking until chocolate, wax and honey flooded his senses and immediately calmed him. He spun towards the door and caught Teddy as the boy launched himself at him, wrapping him in arms and legs and burying his face in Remus's neck. The boy sniffed and sighed, and with his anger settled to a simmer, Remus sat back in the chair, hugging his son tightly, and looked over at Dora who was still standing in the doorway.

"What are you doing here?"

"He wouldn't calm down," she replied in a soft, tired voice. Stepping into the room, she took the seat next to Remus and began to run her hands through Teddy's hair, eyes red as well. "I managed to get him coherent enough to figure out that he was worried about you and the way you flew through the floo, and, well…"

"And what?" Remus prompted, his cheek resting on top of Teddy's dark brown head. Dora sighed.

"He worried about Sirius. He thinks he's sick and wants to be here for him."

Feeling that hot, lava-like feeling bubble up again, Remus tightened his hold on his son and buried his face into Teddy's hair, holding back the wince at the pressure on his own bruises. His _son_ was worried about… after was _Sirius_ had done…

"He is sick."

The little whisper was muffled by Remus's collar, another sniff accompanying it, and it settled the lava once more, some of those other, invisible emotions he was positive he wasn't feeling trying to peek through.

"Yes, son, he is," Remus murmured, images of a dirty, stinking, weeping, babbling, _crazed_ Sirius curled up in a ball and rhythmically pounding his fist into his head shifting through his mind. The sight that'd met him when his anger had overtaken his common sense and he'd gone through the floo with the intention of… he didn't really know. He didn't think he'd known at the time either. But what he did know was that what he'd found had quite solidly _shocked_ him from the red haze covering his vision, if only momentarily. Pity had swiftly eclipsed the single-minded emotion, and it was that that had allowed him to do what needed to be done and get Sirius to St Mungo's.

It was that that was keeping him there now.

Or so he was telling himself.

"Is he going to be all right?"

_Trembling, laughing, spewing out apologies, breaking into conversations with voices that were clearly only in his head, whispering, humming, shouting, jerking; and all the while, repeating Remus's name, over and over and over._

"I don't know, Teddy," Remus muttered, gut giving an oily twist. "I don't know."

~0~

Teddy's sniffing and the occasional squeak of shoes as someone walked along the corridor outside the waiting room were the only sounds for a while. Time dragged, and Remus's gut churned harder the longer they waited. He began to fidget as the time passed, his hands clenching and unclenching at Teddy's t-shirt, his mind steadily growing more worried.

Harry wasn't there. Why wasn't Harry there?

He'd known there was a possibility the young auror could've been on a mission when he'd tried to contact him, which was the reason Remus had gone through the department rather than sending a patronus. But that had been when he'd first arrived at the hospital, which must've been a good couple of hours before. He hadn't heard a word from Harry. Where was he?

Thinking about the time wasted just sitting and waiting had anxiety scratching at Remus's chest, his lungs squeezing so much that he had to shift Teddy so that he could breathe. Had it really been two hours? Why hadn't they heard anything? He couldn't remember the last time he'd been kept waiting that long at St Mungo's, but then it wasn't like he spent a lot of time at the hospital. He tended to avoid places where people had the ability to know what he was with a single spell, or even sometimes a single look. And Sirius had always followed that example, hadn't he? They'd tended each other when they'd needed tended, Sirius needed attention nearly as often as Remus due to his recklessness and persistent thrill-seeking, so the hospital hadn't been a well-known place to either of them.

He'd even go so far as to say that the building had been deliberately ostracized.

"_Moony, don't leave me!"_ Sirius had shouted when they'd staggered out of the floo into reception, the welcome witch looking up expectantly and then quickly doing whatever she did to call the healers when she'd seen Sirius's state. At the arrival of the mediwitch the animagus had suddenly become animated, no longer the weeping and muttering dead weight in Remus's arms. He'd struggled, and Remus had watched, torn between horror and an almost sordid vindication, as the healer had had to call for backup. _"Don't let them take me! We'll get the buggers together, you and me and Prongs! Prongsie, you'll stop them, yeah? Right? Shut it, you poncey bitch! I don't want to go there! James, stop them! Moony! Remus! Remus! MOONY!"_

He'd seemed to have the strength of ten men, and then, when one of the healers had pressed his wand into his side, he'd crumbled. Like a broken doll, he'd folded in on himself, all sound, all desperation cut off; a jugular cut.

Sirius had always followed Remus's example in staying away from hospitals.

A convenient excuse.

Remus's insides burned, acid storming his throat, emotions he didn't want to acknowledge swamping him. Guilt reached; trying to grasp; trying to choke. It battered at the safety blanket of pity and anger, and Remus pressed his face into his son's hair, the scent stirring the baser emotion, poking at it until it was roaring and the guilt had folded under what Remus should rightfully be feeling. He took a deep breath, steady again. Sirius had _hit his son._ Guilt over the way he'd dealt with him after had no place in his world at the moment.

_What about guilt over letting him suffer? Over not seeing it? Over not helping him deal with it sooner?_

_Why didn't he tell me?_

"Mr Lupin?"

The unwelcome feelings fled, and he looked up to see the same healer who'd come to the welcome witch's call when he and Sirius had arrived, standing in the waiting room doorway. He was on his feet without remembering moving, Teddy shifted to rest on his hip.

"Yes? What's going on?"

"Are you Mr Black's next of kin?"

Dora got to her feet, eyes wide, her hair bleeding pale. Remus blinked, utterly baffled by the question. Didn't they only ask that when…?

"No, we never married. What's happening? Where's Sirius?"

"I'm afraid that I can only speak to Mr Black's next of kin," the healer said in a politely apologetic voice. "If you could contact the person-"

"Wait, I'm here!"

The healer turned, her eyes going round and her polite smile dropping when she saw Harry Potter running up behind her, looking rather dishevelled. His hair was messier than usual, if that was even possible, and dirt streaked his forehead and auror robes, glasses smudged. He blew out a heavy breath and speared a hand through his hair as he stumbled to a stop, rubbing the back of his neck and glancing over at Remus.

"Sorry, I was in the middle of something. What's going on- bloody hell Remus, what happened to your face?"

"What?" the werewolf replied, frowning, before his memory kick-started and his hand sprang up to hover over the remnants of Charlie's fists. He shook his head, hand falling. "It's nothing, it's not important. Harry is Sirius's godson, he's the one you need to speak to," he said to the mediwitch who was still staring open-mouthed at the man who'd saved the wizarding world. After a moment or two of expectant silence, he cleared his throat. The mediwitch jolted and flushed pink while Harry stood there looking uncomfortable.

"Er, yes. I apologize. Mr Potter, my name is Healer Drower and I'm in charge of Mr Black's case. You're his next of kin?"

Green eyes flicked quickly to Remus and then just as quickly back to the healer. "Suppose I am. What's wrong with him? Is he all right?"

"He's sedated at the moment," the healer said, that small, polite smile back firmly in place. "We've performed a variety of tests to see if there is any physical reason why he's experiencing an episode of psychosis, and since all of them have come back as negative, we can-"

"An episode of psychosis? What the hell are you talking about?" Harry interrupted, voice sharp and face pale, making Remus suddenly remember that the boy didn't actually know the reason why Sirius was at the hospital. All Remus had said when he'd contacted the auror department was that Sirius was at St Mungo's and to come as soon as possible. The werewolf swallowed hard.

"He's not in his right mind, Harry," he muttered, unable to look directly at the messy-haired young man whose bright green eyes were large and frightened, focusing instead on the little blonde mediwitch. He was a memory in physical form, and most of the time, Remus could and did deal with that. But at the moment… Teddy shifted and Remus hugged him closer. "He's sick. I think… I think he's been sick for a long time. Has he?"

He directed the question at the healer and sympathy played across her face for a moment. And that was all the confirmation he needed. His heartbeat pulsed in a mad rush in his ears, and his stomach swooped sickly, sweat breaking out on the back of his neck that he could feel running over the icy skin of his shoulder blades. A thousand different thoughts and emotions clamoured in his mind, so many that it felt like Sirius wasn't the only one hearing voices that weren't there. His breath hitched, and his chest hurt, and his heart _screamed_, and it felt like he was actually going to fall apart until two words broke through the haze.

"…transfer him."

"Transfer him?" he interjected loudly, frowning. He'd obviously missed some of the conversation. "Why would you need to do that?"

"Yeah, why can't you treat him here?" Harry asked, staring intently at the mediwitch. Healer Drower shook her head.

"I wish we could, Mr Potter, but I'm afraid to say that we're just not equipped to deal with Mr Black's situation," she said, looking from one man to the other, her eyes lingering on Teddy and then moving briefly to Dora, who'd been a silent observer so far. "He needs specialist treatment that we don't have the ability or the staff with the right training to provide. Mr Black will need a mind healer, and his case is out of Healer Strout's, our resident mind healer's, scope. His neurological issues aren't caused by spell damage, and he'll need a more experienced and much more delicate touch than what we can offer."

Harry sighed and lifted a hand to rub at his temple, looking tired and worn, and far older than his actual years. "Where will you send him?" he asked in a small voice. There was a tiny tremble in the fingers that circled his forehead, and when he lowered his hand, helplessness was naked on his face.

It made Remus want to reach for him. Instead, he stood and clutched Teddy like a lifeline, battling back his own feelings. The healer smiled softly.

"There is a facility in Dublin called Brigit's Care Health and Wellbeing Centre. One of their specialities is mental and emotional health, and they use both muggle and magical techniques to treat and help their guests. They'll be able to assess Mr Black properly and come up with a plan of action to bring him back to himself, find the deeper cause, and teach him to keep himself well in the future. Both myself and Healer Strout believe that that will be the best place for him for the time being. All I need is your signature, and we can organize the transfer for later today."

"Ireland?" Harry whispered, and the mediwitch said something in return, but Remus was no longer listening. He held his son and stood silently in the waiting room, lost. He didn't know what to think. What to _feel._ They were sending Sirius away, and even though he knew it was for the best, that it was the _right_ thing to do, he couldn't help feeling that they were suggesting locking him up in some mental institute and throwing away the key.

Sirius would hate it.

"Remus?"

His head whipped up, Harry's voice somehow a force that had him swaying back, jostling Teddy so that the boy shifted a little, his head pulling away from Remus's neck and turning in Harry's direction.

"I'm going to go see him before the transfer," the younger wizard was saying, exhausted eyes landing on Teddy, a smile tilting his lips, "do you want to come with… why the fuck is there a handprint-shaped _bruise_ on Teddy's face?"

Anger was safe. Anger was understandable. Loss and fear and guilt wasn't, and Remus let the reminder fill him again, pushing all those other unwanted and _unwarranted _emotions back down where they belonged. Where they would continue to stay if he had anything to say about it.

_Why didn't he _tell_ me?_

"No. We're going home."

"What? Remus!" Harry called, shock blatant in his voice, but the werewolf was already out the door. He heard Dora say something quietly to Harry before she followed him, and Remus shifted Teddy so that he was once more secure against his side and strode determinedly down the corridor, away from Harry, and away from Sirius.

His focus should be his son, not someone who'd hurt his son.

Because Sirius Black wasn't his to worry about any longer, was he?


End file.
